


Supernova

by hannakin



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Determined Even, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, References to Depression, SKAM Big Bang, Sad Isak Valtersen, Slow Burn, lonely Isak, patient Even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-09
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 08:13:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 45,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18048860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannakin/pseuds/hannakin
Summary: “A supernova is when a giant star dies,” Isak says proudly. “At first it grows super big, bigger than our sun and then it collapses and explodes.”Even listens carefully, just like he always does when Isak speaks.“A supernova is the brightest thing in the universe. When it collapses and dies the only thing left is a black hole,” Isak continues, his green eyes sparkling with excitement.To Even Isak is the brightest star in the universe. He is bright and smart and the happiest person Even knows, his smile brighter than the entire sun. They are best friends, just like their fathers used to be. Even is in love with Isak. Isak is in love with Even. They grow up and things change. Eventually they drift apart and when Even sees Isak again Isak is 17 and the smile Even used to love so much is long gone. Instead Isak is angry at the world. He is lonely but determined that he is better off alone. He looks miserable and sad, like he will never be happy again. Almost like he is all there is left after a giant supernova, a black hole.People tell Even to not bother. That Isak is not worth it. But how can he not? All he wants is to see Isak smile again.Part of the Skam Big Bang 2019!





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! 
> 
> This is my contribution to the Skam big bang although it is just a small teaser as the rest of the chapters will be published on sunday, starting midnight (in true Druck fashion) I look forward to see what you think and to see what my partner chloevlntine on tumblr have been working on. (It's still a secret and I'm super excited) See you at midnight! 
> 
> To Steffi: Thank you for being the best Beta in the world <3

_Prologue_

Even stands at the edge of the courtyard to Nissen a little too long. It’s a warm August morning, the first day of school, and in front of him groups of friends are reuniting after a long summer break. People are laughing, high fiving and hugging. Everyone has somewhere they belong. The students that walk past him have no hesitation in their steps. They have a place here, they have their friends here. Maybe they have even looked forward to this day.

Even has dreaded this day for months. It’s the second first day of year three but all the excitement and confidence from a year ago is gone. So much has happened in only a year and Even wishes he could just forget everything. A year ago he was at Bakka with his best friends and his girlfriend. He was excited and happy to start his final year. Now, here he stands trying to summon up the courage to just walk across the yard and into the building. That’s all he needs to do, he tells himself. Walk in, find the administration office, tell them who he is and hopefully avoid any looks of pity on their faces when they remember why he’s here. If he can do that he can make it through the day.

He feels sick to his stomach and his heart is pounding violently in his chest. Despite the warm summer air he feels cold and his fingers are shaking as he grasps his bag tightly. No one seems to notice him which is a relief. Maybe that means that he can get a fresh start? Maybe that means that they don’t know who he is? Maybe they have not heard the rumours about him?

**Mum**   
**Good luck today**  
**sweetie. If things**  
**become too much**  
**I’ll come and pick**  
**you up. Love you.**

**Sonja <3**   
**Hi, baby!**  
**I wish I could be**  
**with you today.**  
**You’ll be fine.**  
**I know it. You are**  
**so strong. My boss**  
**is making me work**  
**extra today but I’ll**  
**come over after. <3**

He reads the texts but they do little to cheer him up. They mean well but all they really do is remind him of what a failure he is. His mum treats him as if he is delicate and weak. Too weak to handle one day at school and even if she only looks after him and wants what’s best for him it makes him feel like shit. And Sonja? Sonja is right where she should be, and while her text should make him feel better about himself, lately she only makes him feel shitty. They have not worked in a long time, maybe even since before everything went down. But she has stood by him through everything and sometimes it feels like she is the only one he’s got. All his friends are gone and it is all his fault. Rightly she should be gone too and sometimes he wonders why she decided to stay. She deserves better than him. She deserves better than having to look after him as if he was her child and not her boyfriend. Maybe they should break up. Maybe they are better off without each other. Maybe he should let her go, but even when all they do is fight and she makes him feel smothered, he still holds on to her. Because the thought of having nothing at all is scarier than anything else in the world.

He’s about to leave and text his mum that he is going home. No one will blame him if he does. Poor little Even who can’t even make it through one single day. Maybe it would be better if he just gave up. There is no way he can do this. Sooner or later people will find out who he is and then they will never look at him the same way again. If not today then tomorrow or in a few months. It’s bound to happen sooner or later and Even is not sure he will be able to take it when it does. He’s not strong enough and he’s never been.

He’s about to turn around and just walk down the stairs again when he hears him, a voice so distinct from the rest of the students.

“Fuck you, dad. No don’t even bother. I’ll figure it out myself.”

Even immediately spins around and when he sees him his heart leaps in his chest. Pretty, blond curls that are hiding beneath a snapback, and a hoodie despite the warm weather. Green eyes cast downwards as the boy starts walking towards the entrance. He doesn’t see Even where he stands, but Even can’t take his eyes off him as he walks past Even, eyes on the ground and with determined steps. He looks miserable and sad and it makes Even’s heart clench painfully. It doesn’t look right. He quickly makes up his mind, there is no way he can leave now. He just has to see a smile on that beautiful face.

_Even always loved that smile the most and it used to be his favourite thing in the world. The person it belonged to used to be his best friend. As a child Isak had the brightest and prettiest smile in the entire universe. He has to see that smile again._


	2. 1: What’s wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the first real chapter of my big bang fic. It's been such a rollercoaster but it has been so challenging and inspiring, trying to get this done parallel to writing my master's thesis and taking my master courses at uni! Now the thesis is done and so is this fic which feels a bit surreal. 
> 
> This fic should have been something completely different but half way in I realised that I didn't have the time to finalise my work so instead I changed my mind and started all over again. I came up with a few ideas and my beta helped me decide and I made a huge mind map as a starting point. 
> 
> I really want to thank my beta Steffi for your patience and support when I completely changed my mind as well as for all the time you have put into to this. Thank you for being my online skam friend I can discuss the remakes with <3 
> 
> Thank you so much chloevlntine on tumblr for creating the art for this fic and for being so amazing and positive when I did a 180 :) 
> 
> I really hope you will enjoy reading this fic as much as I have enjoyed writing it!

_Age 5 and 7_

_“But I don’t want to go the park, Even” Isak complains as he drags his scooter behind him on the grass and tries to catch up with Even._

_Even is two years older than him and a head taller, and naturally he is a faster walker than Isak._

_“Why do we always have to do what you want to do? It is not fair!” Isak exclaims once he has caught up with Even._

_“Because I’m older than you,” Even says matter of factly._

_“Well I’m not going,” Isak says and promptly sits down on the grass next to the curb, dumping his scooter beside him. “You can go without me!”_

_Even stops and turns around to look at Isak. Isak looks at him stubbornly and pouts his lips. Usually, Even finds it adorable when Isak is cranky like this but sometimes he wishes Isak would just go with him without putting up a fight. Especially now when he really wants to go to the park with the new swings and monkey bars but Isak just wants them to play on the scooters._

_“Stop being so grumpy,” he sighs. “You are being childish”_

_“I’m not grumpy. You are being mean and bossy;” Isak says and crosses his arms over his chest. “And I’m only 2 years younger than you.”_

_Despite his irritation he can’t help but smile at the look on Isak’s face. His light blond hair has grown out during the summer and curls around his ears. Even finds him prettier than any of the girls in his class. Isak’s green eyes are piercing through him. Now they are clouded over in anger and if Even didn’t know him so well he’d probably just stay away. Instead a laugh escapes from his lips._

_“Stop laughing at me, you jerk,” Isak screams and suddenly he is standing up and starts walking away, leaving his new scooter behind._

_Even feels guilty. He definitely didn’t mean to hurt Isak’s feelings and usually Isak is fine with letting him decide what they did, but maybe lately he has been more bossy? Maybe he has been bad at listening to what Isak wants to do. He takes Isak’s scooter in one hand and his own in the other and starts walking after Isak._

_It doesn’t take long before he has caught up with Isak. Isak is dragging his feet behind him and when Even reaches his side he notices that Isak has been crying. Isak hurriedly wipes his face and Even pretends he doesn’t see the tears._

_“Want to go home and eat ice cream?” he asks._

_Isak nods silently._

_Ten minutes later they are sitting by Even’s kitchen table, eating ice cream with caramel sauce, sprinkles and strawberries. Isak is still quiet but the tears have long dried on his face._

_“What’s wrong?” Even asks._

_“Nothing,” Isak says and refuses to meet Even’s eyes._

_“I’m sorry I’m being so bossy,” Even says. “I didn’t mean it when I said you were grumpy either. I’d probably be annoyed with me too.”_

_Isak smiles slightly but it seems half-hearted and leaves his face just as fast as it appeared._

_“Mum and dad always say that I’m stupid or silly when I’m angry,” he says. “I’m not allowed to be angry or anything. Not even when they keep making promises they don’t keep.”_

_“I’m sorry,” Even says. “You have the right to be angry too. If my parents promise me we’ll do something and then it doesn't happen I get angry too.”_

_“Yeah…” Isak says._

_“So do you want to watch a movie?” Even asks._

_He knows that is bound to cheer Isak up._

_“Okay,” Isak nods. “Can I pick the movie?”_

_“No I want to pick the movie,” Even jokes but this time Isak just rolls his eyes._

_“You are so stupid,” he says and a wide smile appears on his face._

_Even loves seeing Isak smile like this. They quickly move to the couch, taking their bowls of ice cream with them. Even’s mum won’t like it but Even wants to cheer Isak up. He just makes sure to spread the blanket over their legs._

-

Isak is nowhere in sight when Even steps inside the school and Even suddenly finds himself disheartened again. He was so ready to leave just minutes ago, before he spotted Isak but seeing Isak again made him feel brave enough to enter the school. Now, here he stands and Isak is gone as if he was never there to begin with. Even knows that it was him though. He would recognise Isak anywhere. Isak is so different from how Even remembers him. Isak is taller now, his face slimmer and less baby like, and his voice has darkened significantly since Even last spoke to him. It is as if all of Isak’s innocence has disappeared and the ever smiling face has been replaced by tight lips and a tense jaw. He might have only seen Isak for a brief second but it was enough to spark something in him and make him go inside.

The corridor is even more crowded than the courtyard, but thankfully people pay little attention to him. He takes a calming breath and looks around for signs that can direct him towards the administration office. It doesn’t take him long to find his way there and only ten minutes later he is on his way to his first class, schedule in his hand and a reassurance that he could contact anyone from the administration if he had any questions from the headmaster.

Even tries not to stand out too much during his first classes but obviously people notice that he is new from last year. Most students are welcoming though and he spends the first breaks between classes getting to know a few of the guys in his class: Nils, Simon and Erik. They are nice and friendly and don’t ask Even too many questions on why he is transferring from Bakka and Nissen. They show him around the school building and Even follows them around, secretly looking for Isak the whole time. Nils babbles about all the teachers and Even only listens half-heartedly. His classes are not too difficult and remind him of the classes in Bakka which gives him even more time to think about Isak.

It’s been 3 years since he last saw Isak but the guy from the courtyard is so far from the Isak Even remembers. They had drifted apart when Even’s family moved and he decided to go to Ura instead of Grefsen. Even had met his new friends and it had been more difficult to keep in touch. Even on weekends. During those couple of years something had changed with Isak. Things weren’t great at home and his parents fought more and more. His mum got sicker and sicker and it all seemed to take a toll on Isak. But when he was with Even he was still the happy and smiley person he had been as a kid. Even could always bring a smile on his face and make him laugh. Then when Even met Sonja he had had even less time for Isak and they had just drifted apart even more.

He sees Isak again during lunch break and when he does his heart leaps in his chest once again. They boys around him are too busy to notice him staring but he can’t take his eyes off of Isak. Isak sits by himself at a small table, eyes on his phone the entire time as he picks at his food. Despite being indoors he wears his hoodie up and Even can’t really see his face from where he is sitting. He waits for someone to join Isak at the table but as the minutes trail by it becomes obvious that no one is going to. Isak never looks up, as if he doesn’t expect anyone to either.

“Even?” Nils asks and Even forces himself to look away.

“Uh yeah?” he says. “What?”

“There is a party on Friday. You are coming, right?”

The three of them look at him expectantly and Even nods.

“Yeah, of course,” he says.

“Great, we were going to have a small pre-party at my place. You are welcome to join if you want to,” Simon fills in.

Even nods, thinking that Sonja won’t like him going to a party but frankly he doesn’t care. She always has an opinion about what he does or how much he drinks or smokes.

“I’ll be there,” he smiles.

He looks back at Isak just as Isak looks up from his phone, straight at him. For a few moments they are staring at each other, Even’s heart picking up in speed. Isak looks less than happy to see him, his green eyes full of anger. Then Isak looks away and swiftly grabs his things and leaves the cafeteria with hurried steps. It feels like Isak has just stabbed him in the gut, but most of all Even is filled with sadness and guilt. He doesn’t blame Isak for being disappointed and mad at him. He doesn’t even blame Isak if he hates him. He should have worked harder to stay friends with Isak. Especially since Isak probably needed a friend more than anything. Whatever happened to Isak during their time apart, Even feels like some of it is his fault.

-

He doesn’t mention seeing Isak to his parents when he gets home from school, and when Sonja comes over after work he keeps that detail from her as well. He is not sure why.

“I knew you would make friends,” Sonja says as he tells her about Nils, Simon and Erik and all the other students from his class. “You are so friendly and social. I’m proud of you!”

“Yeah,” Even mumbles. “They invited me to a party on Friday.”

He expects Sonja to protest and tell him not to go but she smiles and pats his cheek and he smiles back.

“That’s great, Even,” she says. “It will give you even more chances to get to know people.”

“I’m sure you could come too if you want to,” he offers.

“We are having an after work on Friday,” Sonja says. “One of my co-workers is going on maternity leave and the other one is quitting so we are going out for dinner as well.”

  
“Oh…” Even says, feeling his smile falter slightly. “That sounds nice.”

Sonja doesn’t seem to notice the slight change in his mood because she continues to talk about her job, her boss and the new tasks she has been given recently.

-

“So Even, you went to Bakka right?”

They are at the pre-party at Simon’s. Apart from Even, Nils and Erik two other boys from another class, Adrian and Marlon are there. They are sitting in Simon’s spacious living room in a fancy apartment in the middle of Oslo. Even is nursing his beer, trying to not think about Sonja’s last words before they parted ways on Friday morning and the two texts she has sent him during the day.

Take it easy, Even.

Don’t get too drunk

Please, just be careful

Don’t smoke weed

It was a wishful thinking that she wouldn’t try to control him. She clearly isn’t interested in coming with him but she is still going to go out of her way to make sure he doesn’t drink too much or does anything that may trigger another manic episode. It’s Adrian that has asked and now all of them are looking at him.

“Uh, yeah, I did!” he says absently.

“I have a friend that goes there, maybe you know them,” Adrian says curiously. “Ida Nielsen?”

Even shakes his head, thankfully the name is unfamiliar to him and he can avoid further questions.

“I don’t know her, sorry,” he says.

“Oh yeah, she’s one year younger than us so maybe that’s why,” Adrian says.

Even nods, and catches Nils giving him a supportive smile. Adrian and Marlon obviously have no idea that Even is repeating and Even is planning on keeping it that way. Nils and the others have been very chill so far but he’s not counting on everyone not being nosy about it. Sooner or later there will be rumors.

“So how do you like Nissen so far?” Marlon asks.

“It’s okay, I guess,” Even says. “These guys have made sure I find my way to class and everything.”

“Hey we should all take a shot to celebrate Even’s first week, right?” Erik says.

“Yes!” Simon says excitedly. “I’ll get glasses.”

-

As the first few weeks go by Even finds himself looking for Isak at every opportunity he gets.  
He doesn’t see him every day but if he does it is usually in the cafeteria at lunch. Sometimes he sees him in between classes or outside smoking. Isak is always alone and it doesn’t seem like he is talking to anyone. Despite the whole fiasco when Isak caught him looking Even simply can’t take his eyes off him. Isak looks angry and pissed off most of the time but he also looks exhausted and sad and the dark circles underneath his eyes only seem to get darker and darker with each passing day. Isak never acknowledges him again but Even can’t help but feel the guilt inside him grow. Isak just seems so lonely and isolated and Even knows that feeling only too well. He knows that loneliness eats you up from the inside. He knows it makes you vulnerable. He is too scared to approach Isak, not sure his heart could actually take a rejection from the person that used to matter the most.

He spends most of the time at school hanging out with his newfound friends and after school he hangs out with Sonja.Things are okay between them at the moment when they don’t see each other every day, but Even can feel that the spark between them is gone. It doesn’t feel like it used to and it feels like both of them are trying too hard. She’s trying too hard around him to not put pressure on him. He can tell she does. It makes him feel even more shitty about himself because she is yet another person who thinks he is weak. But he keeps it all to himself and holds on to her despite them going downhill. She’s all he has and he convinces himself that things could be worse.Then runs into Sana.

He doesn’t expect to see her here and maybe he has been too busy looking for Isak to notice anyone else in school apart from his friends. But then one day he runs into her on the way up the stairs. She is alone, thankfully, and Even finds himself frozen in place. He hasn’t seen her in a while but he used to spend way too much time at her house after school to be able to just walk past her. She looks surprised to see him stand in front of her but then a smile spreads on her face smiles. She doesn’t say anything at first, as if she’s waiting for him to initiate the contact.

“Hey,” he mumbles and tries to smile.

“Hi, Even,” she says. “How are you?”

“Uh, I’m okay,” he says. “I didn’t know you went here. I’ve not seen you before.”

She smiles again.

“That’s good. Yeah I do.”

There is a moment of silence and Even’s nervousness grows. He feels scared that she is going to bring up Elias and the boys or his suicide attempt.

“It’s really good to see you again,” she says. “I need to go but I’m here if you need someone to talk to.”

Even smiles nervously and nods.

“Yeah, thank you, Sana,” he says.

“You are welcome, I’ll see you around,” she says and then she is walking down the stairs.

Another two weeks pass and suddenly it’s been over a month since Even’s first day. He has settled in pretty well. He gets along with his classmates and has no trouble keeping up in his classes. He finds himself comfortable in the company of Nils, Simon and Erik, even if they know very little about him and it sometimes takes a lot of energy to pretend that everything is okay. There are just some days when he’s not in a mood for talks about parties and girls, days when he would rather stay home than go to school. On those days he still feels lonely and vulnerable. It doesn’t help that things are rough between him and Sonja again. They had a month where everything was nice but now they are arguing more often than not.

It would be a lie if he said he doesn’t look for Isak every day. It’s become a habit of him to always look for Isak. Things never seem to change though. Isak never interacts with the other students and no one ever acknowledges his presence so it’s probably not that Isak is being bullied like he used to be when they were younger. Before Even put the bullies in their place and threatened to kill them if they didn’t leave Isak alone. Something else is so obviously wrong though. Isak was never a mean person and he always had friends other than Even. It makes no sense for him to be so lonely. So what has happened? What has made Isak so lonely and miserable? Isak was always happy and curious about life. Why does he looks so sad and angry and exhausted all the time?

When he fails to see Isak for several days straight his worry grows. He’s used to not seeing Isak every day and he suspects there are days when Isak simply doesn’t show up at school at all. But now it’s been four days. What if something has happened? Isak has looked so bad lately. The worst of it all is that it seems like he is the only one that notices Isak’s absence from the cafeteria. It seems like he is the only one who cares about Isak’s well-being. He wishes he had just approached Isak on the first day despite the look Isak gave him. Maybe then he could have been Isak’s friend. But he was too scared to get rejected and now it feels like it might be too late. Isak has ignored all his attempts to make contact and pretended that Even doesn’t exist. It hurts and makes his gut twist painfully.

The next time he sees Isak it is in a heated argument with Sana. Even is hiding out in the library, trying to get ahead of some of his homework since Sonja wants to spend the weekend at her parents’ summer house. Even is surprised to see them together because they seem very unlikely to hang out and it becomes obvious that they don’t like each other at all. Even can’t help but overhear their discussion due to their raised voices.

“Where have you even been? You can’t just take a few days off just because you feel like it. I’ve tried texting you because we have an assignment to finish together. I know you don’t care about school or anything but not all of us are like that..” Sana says and it’s clear that she is angry.

Even watches Isak roll his eyes.

“I’m here now, aren’t I?” he spits. “Honestly, Sana. Can’t you just chill and stop being so stuck up all the time?”

Even can’t see Sana’s face but he can imagine she gives Isak’s eye roll tough competition.

“Look, Isak,” she says venomously. “I never asked to be your partner but now we are stuck with each other and I can’t afford to be dragged down by someone that doesn’t care about school. I need that six and I’m not going to let you ruin my chances just because you don’t care about anything.”

“And I certainly didn’t ask to be paired with you either,” Isak says. “And I’m sorry we aren’t all perfectly put together with perfect attendance and perfect grades and unrealistic doctor dreams. I’m sure your parents are very proud of you, but not all of us care that much.”

Even cringes slightly at how mean Isak sounds. Thankfully, Sana seems more unfazed than Even would have been if Isak ever spoke to him like that.

“Don’t bring my family into this. You don’t know anything about me.” Sana warns. “Let’s just do this assignment and then I can focus on me and you can focus on you.”

“Great,” Isak mutters through gritted teeth “Whatever!”

“Did you at least read the chapters in preparation?” Sana asks. “Because if you didn’t I don’t see the reason why we are even here. I’ve places to be, you know.”

“You know, Sana, you may think you are all superior and better than anyone else but you should really stop assuming that everyone else around you is stupid. It doesn’t make you very likeable.”

“Maybe we should just divide the work between us and then meet another day,” Sana says tiredly. “This is clearly not going to work.”

“Do you honestly hate me so much that you can’t spend two hours with me?” Isak asks, but instead of sounding sad like Even would have expected him to, his voice remains cold and calm.

“You screwed over my friends and ruined their lives, can you blame me?” Sana says.

“Whatever,” Isak says again. “Let’s just divide the assignment so I can get home. I’ll email you what I’ve written tomorrow.”

Even forces himself to turn around again and focus on his own paper in English. He can’t hear what they are saying anymore, but he can’t stop thinking about their conversation. He has never heard Isak sound that mean and harsh and he certainly didn’t expect it from Sana either. It seems like they really dislike each other. Isak even used the word hate and Sana didn’t deny it. Something about Isak screwing over her friends? Is that the reason why Isak spends all of his time in school by himself? It just doesn’t feel like Isak or the Isak Even knew. Isak was soft and kind, not angry and mean. Even refuses to believe that this is all Isak is now. He’s spent too much time watching Isak those past weeks to not notice that Isak is more than the mean exterior he has just witnessed with Sana. Maybe no one else can see Isak’s misery through his facade but Even knows better. He knows what it is like to pretend that things are okay when they are not. He sees Isak’s pain every day and recognises Isak’s loneliness in his own.

When he sees Sana the next day he decides to just ask her about Isak, not mentioning that he already knows who he is.

“Why do you want to know about Isak?” she asks.

Even shrugs.

“I’ve seen him around in school and noticed that he is always alone. But then I saw you in the library together. I’m just curious who he is.

“His name is Isak,” Sana sighs. “He’s in my year. But honestly Even, he’s pretty troubled and if I were you I wouldn’t bother. It’s not worth it.”

“Why? What happened?” Even tries.

“I’m not going to gossip about him with you. I don’t know him that well obviously but he’s done some pretty fucked up things that have really hurt a couple of my friends.”

“Oh okay,” Even says.

Sana’s face softens slightly.

“I know he probably has his own problems but it is hard to forget everything that happened. He hurt a lot of people who tried to be there for him and he just shut everyone out and ended up hurting those close to him. Not just my friends but his friends too and I guess you just give up eventually.”

Even doesn’t know what to say,

“Just be careful. I don’t want you to end up getting hurt.” Sana concludes.

As they part ways again Even can’t help but feel even more gutted. This means that Isak had friends but that something happened between them which was enough to make everyone distance themselves from him. Maybe it was Isak himself who pushed people away and that something happened that was the final straw. But even then it breaks Even’s heart to know that people have given up on Isak. He has screwed up too and hurt a lot of people but they have stood by him despite everything he has put them through. If they had left him Even wouldn’t have survived. Even if Isak’s friends have given up on him and decided it is not worth it, Even hasn’t forgotten the person Isak used to be and if they won’t bother then Even will.

-

He spends the next day summoning up the courage to speak to Isak and when he sees him at lunch he wastes no time as he makes his way over to Isak’s table. As usual Isak is on his phone and only looks up as Even stands right next to him. For a second he looks shocked and surprised but then his walls go up and his face tightens even further.

“Hi,” Even says awkwardly feeling the little bit of courage he has built up waver.

“Hey,” Isak says.

“Can I sit down?” Even asks.

Isak shrugs indifferently and Even sits down.

“Are you done pretending you don’t know me?” Isak asks, and Even is taken aback by his tone and the way Isak looks him up and down.

“I…” Even starts and forces himself to take a moment to calm down and not let himself be fazed by Isak’s attitude. “That’s not what I’m doing…”

“What do you want, Even? Why are you here?” Isak says. “You’ve spent over a month acting as if you don’t know me. Now you want to talk?”

Isak seems neither angry or sad about it. Just weirdly indifferent and for some reason that makes Even even more uncomfortable.

“Well people have told me to stay away,” he jokes. “That you are trouble.”

He hopes the joke will make Isak laugh or at least smile because he knows it is a joke that would have made his Isak crack up. Now Isak barely reacts.

“Well, they are not wrong,” he says. “You shouldn’t bother.”

“Well I don’t like to listen to other people,” Even smiles. “You know that. And I transferred here and I thought we could be friends.”

Isak sighs.

“I’m not worth it, Even. Trust me.”

Even feels a small stab in the heart.

“What’s wrong?” he asks quietly. “What happened, Isak? You used to be so happy and now you just seem miserable.”

Isak shakes his head.

“Nothing happened, Even. People grow up and I changed. That’s all”

“But…”

“Just leave me alone. We might have used to be friends but that was years ago. We’ve not talked in what? Two or three years? A lot of things have changed. We are not friends anymore and I’m not interested in being your friend again either.” Isak says and starts to gather his things before standing up and leaving Even and his half eaten food on the table.

-

_Age 4 and 6_

_“Even? Will you still be my best friend even now that you have lots of new friends in school?”_

_It had been a few weeks since Even had started school whereas Isak was still in pre-school. He had already made a bunch of new friends in his new class but none of them compared to Isak and he still mostly played with Isak after school and during weekends. He could see that this was something that worried Isak though, that Even was going to move on now that he went to school and Isak did not. Even couldn’t imagine not being Isak’s best friend though. They had known each other their whole life and Even had always looked after Isak. He couldn’t wait for Isak to start school in two years so that they could see each other every day again._

_“Yeah of course I will,” Even says._

_“It's just that they are probably cooler than me and they are older and you probably won't care about me when you have them,” Isak sighs._

_“I'll always care about you,” Even says seriously. “and even if you are younger you are much smarter than them. They didn't even know what a supernova is.”_

_Last week Isak had explained everything about supernovas to Even as they lay on the grass of Isak's backyard. Even had listened carefully and snapped up every word. Then he had recited the whole thing to his new classmates the other day, proudly telling them about his genius friend Isak._

_“We will always be best friends,” Even says certainly._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Did you like it? What do you think has happened to Isak? Feel free to leave a comment or kudos <3 Next chapter will be posted in the morning!


	3. I miss you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is here! I'm so glad that you seem excited about it already. Thank you for leaving kudos and comments, it truly means the world to me <3

_Age 7 (6) and 9_

_For his 9th birthday Even gets a small digital camera. He’s been nagging his parents about one for 6 months and when he didn’t get one for Christmas he could barely contain his disappointment. So when he opens his last gift on his birthday he doesn’t believe his eyes._

_“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” he says excitedly as he rips off the paper and throws it carelessly onto the floor._

_“I’m glad you liked it, buddy,” his dad said. “Uncle Rolf recommended it. He says it is a great camera to start of with.”_

_Uncle Rolf works as a photographer and is one of Even’s favourite persons in the entire world (after Isak). He has spent countless of hours with Rolf in the photo lab or at different trips were Rolf has let him use his expensive camera and showed him all the tricks and secrets of photography._

_Even can’t wait to show Isak the present later today when all his friends are coming over for a birthday party and he can’t wait to take Isak out for their very own photo expedition._

_-_

_Isak looks very impressed by Even’s birthday gift and Even feels very pleased with himself as he shows Isak the basic functions and lets Isak try it. They still have a couple of hours until the other guests get here so there is plenty of time to try everything out. Isak takes a few pictures of Even then they take a few pictures together. Isak is dressed in a light blue button down shirt, and Even can tell that it is Isak’s parents that have forced Isak to wear it. It is not something Isak would usually wear but Even has to admit, it makes Isak look even cuter._

-

“You are distracted!” Sonja points out as they are watching a movie together at home on Friday evening. “What’s on your mind?”

Even’s parents have gone out for dinner and Sonja had called it the perfect opportunity for a date night. He’s barely seen her all week with her working extra hours and spending time with her new colleagues after work and him being busy with school. Right now he can’t concentrate on her or the movie on the TV. All he can think about is Isak. It’s been a few hours since Even finally confronted Isak in the canteen and Isak left him feeling both humiliated and heartbroken. Even looked for him the whole day but didn’t see him once. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so pushy when it was obvious that Isak wanted nothing to do with him. A month of Isak constantly ignoring him should be enough of a sign really, but Even can’t help but think that there is something more to it. It can’t be as simple as Isak just being a mean and angry person even if Isak’s words hurt him more than he is willing to let on.

He hasn’t told Sonja about Isak yet. He’s not sure why. It sometimes feels like she is the reason they stopped talking and therefore he wants to keep them separated. If Sonja knew how obsessed he is with Isak at the moment she would immediately come to the conclusion that he is slipping into a manic episode or she would call him ridiculous for not letting go of Isak even after all this time. And if she finds out he hasn’t told her she will think there is a reason behind it. Either way he can’t win. He can never win when it comes to her.

“It’s nothing,” he says.

“But things are going well in school?” she asks. “I mean you seem to be doing well and you have friends, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” he says. “It’s just a little weird still. I’m a year behind and I feel like I should be out there working or taking a course at uni or traveling like everyone else I know.”

Sonja sighs slightly.

“It’s only a year, Even,” she says. “It will be over in no time. In a year when you hopefully have a job too we can move into our own apartment. You know Signe, at my work? She just bought an apartment with her boyfriend. And Sara and Eskil are moving in together too...”

He knows she means well but it sort of makes him feel like a failure. Of course it is not weird for a 19-year-old to live at home but Even knows how much Sonja wants to move to her own place and start the real grown up life. Especially now that she has begun at her new job and a lot of her coworkers are a few years older and in a different stage in life. He is the one holding her back. He is the crazy boyfriend who is retaking a year in school and still lives at home. She is adamant about moving away from that life and Even is stuck in it. In a year’s time they won’t be together anymore because there won’t be anything to hold on to. They both know it but they both ignore it.

“Yeah,” he says eventually.

They spend almost the whole weekend together. On sunday they take a long walk and Even brings his camera with him. He takes photos of her like he usually does but he suddenly feels less inspired than before. As he goes through them later at night he ends up deleting almost all of them. They just aren’t right and they don’t feel good. When Sonja finally leaves on Sunday evening Even feels more relieved than he should. It’s not that the weekend has been bad, in fact, it’s probably one of the better weekends they have had. It’s just he has had to work so hard to act normal around her and now he feels exhausted. He’s not stopped thinking about Isak all weekend, wondering what he is doing and if he spends weekends alone too. He’s never seen Isak at the parties he’s been to but he supposes that if Isak doesn’t hang out with anyone in school then he’s not going to turn up to parties with only people from school. Hopefully Isak has someone else out of school that he can hang out with. When he tries to look Isak up all he can find is a private instagram and a facebook page without a profile picture. It’s like Isak has deleted his existence from the internet world just like Even has. He wonders if Isak still lives at the same house and if he still has the same phone number.

-

By Monday he is determined to speak to Isak again, even if it means another rejection. When he was at his worst he used to push away people too and if they had given up on him too and stopped trying he doesn’t know where he would be now. Maybe that’s all Isak needs. To know that despite everything someone still cares and despite his tough armour someone is willing to try.

Isak barely reacts when Even puts down his tray and sits down next to him but Even notices the way Isak’s shoulders tense up slightly. Even studies him for a few moments. He’s wearing a burgundy snapback but instead of his signature hoodie that he always seems to wear he’s wearing a dark blue sweatshirt and a green jacket on top. Without the hoodie Even can see they way Isak’s hair curls at the back and around the edge of the snapback. He looks beautiful and smells slightly of smoke. When Isak notices him staring he finally looks up and gives Even an annoyed look.

“Why are you sitting here?” he asks and narrows his eyes.

“Eating…” Even says with a small smile. “I could ask you the same.”

He nods towards the untouched sandwich in front of Isak.

“Well now I’m definitely not hungry,” Isak says.

Even pretends not to hear him as he digs into his own food. He takes a few bites, watching Isak grow more and more annoyed with him.

“Why can’t you leave me alone?” Isak exclaims. “I told you I don’t want to be your friend. I told you not to bother.”

“Would that be so bad?” Even says stubbornly. “Being friends again?”

Isak doesn’t answer.

“I don’t know why you hate me so much, or why you act as if I’m not here most of the time, Isak, but I still care about you, okay. And I want us to be friends. In case you’ve noticed I’m new here and I could really use a friend- “

“Stop,” Isak interrupts. “Go be friends with someone else. I’ve seen you hang out with those guys from year three. Stop bothering me.”

“It doesn’t even have to be in school. We could just meet of for coffee?” Even suggests determined to not let Isak win. “I still have the same number…”

“Well I don’t,” Isak says. “Just please leave me alone, Even. Can you for once in your life consider what I want?”

Even tries to come up with something to say. Tries to not be hurt by Isak’s words but they hit him hard. He doesn’t want to be selfish and self-absorbed. He doesn’t mean for things to always revolve around him. He doesn’t mean to be a burden.

“What do you want then?” Even says, tightening his lips and looking Isak straight in the eyes, forcing him to keep his gaze. “For us to pretend that we don’t know each other? For me to ignore you the rest of the year and potentially for the rest of our lives?”

For a second Isak’s face softens and his eyes look sadder. For a second Even can see the real Isak. It’s not much but it is there. And Isak doesn’t protest when Even finishes his lunch at his table, and after a while he digs into his own sandwich.

-

“Do you know the guy you were talking to at the cafeteria? Isak?” Simon asks when Even meets up with them just before class.

“Our dads were friends when we were kids,” Even says.

It’s not a lie but it’s definitely not the whole truth.

“We’ve not seen each other in a while so I’ve just tried to talk to him a bit,” he adds.

The three of them nod and exchange strange looks between them.

“What?” Even asks.

“Nothing,” Nils says.

“It’s just that this Isak guy is pretty crazy,” Erik says and Even flinches at the choice of words. “Last year he did a bunch of crazy and douchey things to his friends. He’s got a pretty bad reputation. Like he fucked them over a lot.”

“Apparently he owed some guys money for drugs or something. These guys started a lot of fights because of it.”

Even wishes he had the courage to speak up but the words are stuck in his throat. It’s horrible the way they talk about Isak.

“I’ve heard his family is pretty messed up too,” Simon fills in. “Which is probably why he’s acting out a lot.”

“Yeah his mother is apparently crazy. Like crazy for real. In the head,” someone else says. Even can’t remember his name but inside he’s burning with anger.

He knows Marianne was unstable at times during their childhood, especially in Isak’s teenage years but he hates the way they have labeled her crazy. Even feels both angry and sad. It doesn’t feel right to be talking about Isak and his family like this. Hearing someone call Isak crazy hits close to home and hearing how they talk about Marianne doesn’t help either. If they think Isak is crazy then how crazy will they find Even if they learn about the things he has done. Besides, he hates the way they are talking about Isak. Three persons who probably don’t even know Isak apart from the rumours they have heard. It reminds him about the way people gossiped about him at Bakka, saying he was crazy and not worth the effort.

Erik gives him an apologetic smile.

“Sorry,” he starts. “If he used to be your friend and stuff. He’s been pretty much a loner since last year. I’d probably not bother if I were you.”

Even the people that know nothing about Isak and are just speculating based on rumours think Isak is not worth it.

-

Even sits with Isak at the canteen every day the following week, despite the looks he knows he gets from everybody else. The first days Isak pretty much ignores him and keeps his nose on his phone until lunch break is over but Even keeps being stubborn. On the third day it seems like Isak has run out of patience.

“Go sit with your friends, Even,” Isak sighs when Even sits down next to him.

Even ignores him and puts down his tray in front of him, noticing that Isak has already finished his meal. He is reading something in a course book instead of being on his phone.

“You are my friend,” Even says. “I’d like to sit here if it is okay with you.”

Isak shrugs and turns his attention to the book he is currently reading. It’s clear that he is planning on ignoring Even today as well but Even is not going to let him get away with it this time.

“What are you reading?” Even asks curiously.

“Biology,” Isak mutters.

“Do you have a test coming up?” Even asks.

Isak nods.

“Is it hard?”

Isak looks up and rolls his eyes.

“Stop with the small talk. What do you want, Even?” he asks and rubs his face.

Even looks at him, trying to come up with the right thing to say. It feels like he is walking around eggshells with Isak and so far Isak has been less than enthusiastic about Even’s attempts to be friends. Even is starting to wonder how many times he has to be burned before he gives up. One second it feels like he’s making progress but the next it’s like they are back at square one.

“I just want to be friends,” he says stubbornly.

“Why?” Isak says. “You already have friends. You don’t need me and I don’t need you so you sitting here every single day is just a waste of time. Go back to your classmates, Even.”

Even used to love when Isak said his name but when Isak uses his name now it almost sounds condescending.

“I miss you,” Even says weakly.

Isak is quick to look away.

“Please, Isak,” Even continues, talking to the back of Isak’s head like a pathetic idiot. “I really miss my best friend. I’m sorry for how things turned out but I really miss you. Please say that you have missed me too.”

His voice sounds weak but Isak doesn’t even look back. He reaches out to touch Isak’s hand but Isak pulls his hand away as if Even has burned him.

It’s enough humiliation for one day. Even for a guy like Even who has had his fair share of embarrassment. He quickly takes his things and leaves the cafeteria, feeling everyone’s eyes on him, watching his pathetic efforts of bonding with Isak. He quickly dries his eyes with the back of his hand on his way out. He decides to skip the rest of school and takes the tram home. He’s expecting the apartment to be empty when he gets home but as soon as he opens the door he can hear music playing and Sonja’s head appears in the doorway to the kitchen.

“Are you home already?” she asks, sounding surprised as she walks up to him and kisses his lips.

“What are you doing here?” he asks, feeling the tears burn behind his eyes.

“I was at the gym and then I went here rather than home. I just figured I could spend some time here until you got home. I’m making bread.”

She studies him worriedly.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” she asks.

Even shakes his head.

“Nothing,” he lies. “Just a bad day.”

Sonja pats his cheek gently.

“Okay, have you eaten? I can heat up some soup for us from yesterday.”

“No, not yet,” he says. “That sounds good.”

He spends the rest of the afternoon and evening with Sonja and by the time his parents get home from work the two of them have prepared dinner together. It’s almost like a few years ago when they were more in love than ever and used to do things like this all the time. When they lay in bed later at night and Sonja runs her fingers through his hair the way she knows he loves, he can pretend that everything is fine, even if it’s just for a few hours. Then as he lies awake in the middle trying to fall asleep he receives a text.

**Unknown**   
**I’m sorry**

-

The next day Even comes to the cafeteria before anyone else. Before his friends and before Isak. He quickly orders himself a cheese toastie and a coke but instead of sitting down at one of their usual tables he walks over to Isak’s table and sits down. He gets more and more nervous as more students arrive for their lunch break. Simon and Nils give him a weird look when they arrive a few minutes later. Even nibbles at his toastie and forces himself to look away from the door.

He’s almost given up and is ready to just leave when he notices someone standing next to him. When he looks up, Isak is looking at him hesitantly as if he’s asking Even for permission to sit down. Even motions for him to take a seat and Isak sits down on the chair and puts down his own cheese toastie on the table.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hi!” Even says. “How are you?”

Isak looks tired.

“I can see we went for the same food,” Even continues when Isak doesn’t say anything.

Isak smiles slightly and it feels like a small victory.

“Yeah,” he mumbles. “I guess. Is it any good?”

“Not as good as the ones I used to make for us,” Even teases. “But it was okay I guess.”

Isak nods.

“You were always good at making cheese toasties,” he comments.

“The best,” Even says.

They both fall quiet and Even takes another bite. Now that he isn’t feeling so nervous anymore his appetite is coming back. He watches Isak take a few suspicious bites of his and wrinkling his nose.

“What?” Even says.

“Definitely not as good as yours,” Isak says with a small smile.

“We’ll it would have been really sad if they were better,” Even says, meeting Isak’s smile.

“Yeah,” Isak says and looks down at the table again.

Suddenly their little moment is gone and things feel tense and awkward again and Even can tell that Isak’s walls are going up again.

“How did your test go?” he asks, trying to keep their conversation going.

“I’ve not had it yet,” Isak says. “It’s this afternoon.”

“Oh,” Even says. “Good luck then. You probably don’t need it though! If you are anything like when we were kids you are probably a genius. Remember when you were teaching me all those things about space. You knew so much even when you were like four. I remember I used to brag about it to my friends in school.”

Even smiles at the memory but when Isak looks at him with a sad look on his face, his smile falls.

“Don’t, Even,” Isak says. “I know what you are trying to do.”

“Okay, what am I trying to do?” Even asks.

“Making me all soft and nostalgic over stupid memories that we share,” Isak says.

“I don’t think they are stupid,” Even says, thinking that some of those memories are the best he has.

“Well, they don’t matter now, do they?” Isak snaps and looks down at his phone again and quickly types something.

“I’m sorry,” Even says dumbly, feeling his cheeks heat up.

Isak sighs and buries his head in his hands.

“No, I’m sorry. For yesterday too” he mumbles quietly. “I’m just....stressed.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry, too” Even says.

Isak’s head snaps up and he looks like a deer caught in headlights. He fidgets nervously with the hem of his sleeve.

“I shouldn’t have been so forward the other day. It was out of line. I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“It’s okay,” Isak says. “It’s not your fault.”

“So friends?” Even tries hopefully.

Isak sighs and rubs his face, tiredly.

“It’s not going to be worth it for you,” he says. “Whoever you talked to wasn’t wrong when they said to stay away. I’ve seen you hang out with your friends and you should stick to them. It is better. Trust me.”

“For who?” Even asks.

Isak rolls his eyes.

“For you, obviously. I’m not exactly a good friend despite what you might think. I’ve done a lot of fucked up things which I’m sure you have heard about by now.”

“I’ve not. And besides I don’t care what people say. I know you. You are not a mean person and everyone can make mistakes. That doesn’t make you terrible person and it is going to take more than a few rumours to make me believe you are. I know you are not. I knew you for 14 years, Isak and when I did you were one of the nicest persons I knew. You weren’t mean or angry or hurt people on purpose and I don’t you are now either despite what everyone else is saying- ” Even says.

“Look, Even, it’s great that you have this idea that you can come here and get to know me again and everything will be just like it used to but it won’t. It’s not going to be the same. I’m not someone that needs to be saved or whatever. You don’t have to feel sorry for me or anything because I deserve everything I’ve got. Okay.”

“Well, I’ve fucked up things too. Why else do you think I’m here repeating third year while I should have graduated in Spring? Should I also spend the rest of my life punishing myself and distancing myself from others, acting like I’m not hurting? I’ve watched you for a month, Isak. And you don’t look happy. You look sad and miserable all the time.”

“You don’t know me anymore,” Isak says weakly. “I’m not the person I used to be even if you want to believe I am. And you might not want to believe in rumors now but as soon as you find out how fucked up I am you won’t want to stay my friend.”

“Can’t you let me decide that for myself?” Even asks.

“I’m just trying to save you some trouble,” Isak mumbles.

“And I don’t need you to,” Even retorts. “I can make decisions for myself even if people seem to forget that sometimes…”

He’s said too much, revealed too much about himself and possibly exposed himself to someone who he doesn’t really know anymore. For all he knows Isak could have the same view of crazy people as everyone else. Isak just nods.

“Okay,” he says.

“So friends?” Even says.

“Something like that,” Isak replies, offering a small but sweet smile.

“Something like that,” Even repeats with a smile. “I can work with that.”

They both go silent and Even returns to eating his cheese toastie, noticing how Isak mostly nibbles at his without actually eating it.

“So what are you stressed about? Your test?” Even asks.

“Yeah, among other things,” Isak says and looks across the cafeteria.

Even follows his gaze and sees that Isak is looking at a group of guys sitting at a table. They are laughing among each other and neither of them seem to notice Isak watching them and when Isak notices Even watching him he looks away again. Even assumes they used to be Isak’s friends. He’s pretty sure one of them is Jonas, even if he hasn’t seen Jonas since he was twelve or something.

“Want to talk about it?” he asks.

Isak shakes his head quickly and his phone buzzes on the table. He quickly scoops the phone up in his hand and opens the text with the screen turned away from Even. All Even can see is Isak’s face when he reads the message but he can see the way Isak’s jaw clenches and his lips tighten.

“I need to go,” Isak says suddenly. “There are a few things I need to do before the test. I’ll see you around.”

-

It feels like they are making some sort of progress the following days. Isak is in school every day and allows Even to sit with him at lunch and even engages in Even’s attempts at small talk. They talk about school and teachers and even music, movies and tv-series but never about their past or the reason why Even has transferred. As soon as Even tries to talk about anything personal or from their childhood Isak shuts down completely and the walls go up again. Even has already made the mistake of asking Isak how his parents are doing, causing Isak to immediately stop eating and go cold and distant and barely talking for the remainder of the break. It’s like every time Even gets remotely close to getting to see the real Isak beneath it all, Isak takes a step back again. It’s like every time Isak is on his way to opening up he catches himself in the moment and pushes away at the last minute and then he’s back to cold and distanced Isak. No matter how hard he tries, Even can never get close enough to the real Isak, his Isak. He knows that Isak’s favourite subject is Biology just like it was when they were younger and that Isak’s Biology teacher doesn’t wear a bra. He knows that Isak loves hip hop and N.W.A but has never heard of Nas. He knows that Isak is obsessed with Narcos but skeptical about Even’s obsession with Baz Luhrmann. He knows that Isak likes to play Fifa on playstation but he doesn’t even know where he lives.

But even if they don’t talk much Even spends a lot of time just studying Isak when Isak is not looking. He notices the days Isak looks and acts extra tired or when there is a tinge of sadness to his eyes. He doesn’t ask about it but he wants to believe that it means something to Isak that Even is there. That even if they don’t talk about it he isn’t alone. Today he watches Isak cast sad looks towards Jonas and the other two boys from the other day. Even has caught a few glances between them and Isak several times over the last couple of days and every time Isak gets that sad look on his face just before he puts all his walls up and goes distanced and cold.

“Do you know what I read the other day?” Even asks, determined to not let it happen again.

Isak looks away from Jonas, shaking his head silently. He doesn’t look the least bit interested in what Even is going to say.

“That the most compatible zodiac signs are aquarius and gemini,” Even continues.

He read about it a few days ago in one of his grandmother's journals, and while he never really believed in astrology in the first place, they always made him think about Isak and his love for the constellations in the sky and he had ended up reading the whole section from the zodiac special. Now he can’t help but bring it up to Isak because he knows how much Isak hates things like that.

Isak rolls his eyes, and gives Even an unimpressed look.

“You know that’s just bullshit right?” he says.

“No but it is fun though,” Even tries. “Look at us. I’m an aquarius and you are a gemini. That’s why we were always such good friends, best friends even. It’s like destiny or something. Because it’s written in the stars.”

“Really, Even?” Isak says. “We were best friends because our zodiac signs match?”

“Yeah not only because of that of course,” Even says with a smirk. “But I’m sure it was a contributing factor.”

Isak doesn’t say anything as he looks away with an amused look on his face and a small smile on his lips. It makes it all worth it.

“Besides, I’m a cancer, Even,” Isak says.

“What no?” Even exclaims, “You are so much like a gemini. That can’t be true. Everything it said about geminis fits you.”

“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you,” Isak says with a small smirk as he starts to gather his things. “Either way I don’t have time to talk anymore about zodiac signs. I need to get to class.”

-

On Saturday he is invited to another party. He’s been going to different parties almost every weekend when he’s not spending time with Sonja. At first Sonja was supportive about the parties and saw it as a good opportunity for Even to make friends but when Even tells her in the morning she is set on arguing with him.

“But you went last week, Even. And the week before. Are you sure this is a good idea?” she says.

“You don’t have to babysit me all the time, Sonja,” Even says and sits up in bed abruptly and puts on his clothes. “I can take care of myself.”

“I just think you need to think about how much alcohol you drink. You know it’s not good for you to drink too much. Last time you smoked too.”

Even sighs. He’s so freaking tired of them arguing about this and her trying to control him all the time.

“Well I’ve offered you to come along several times so that you can monitor me but you never want to come so what more can I do?” he says childishly.

He definitely doesn’t want her around to nag about him drinking or choosing to smoke some weed but he is also kind of hurt that she isn’t at all interested in getting to know his new friends.

Now it’s Sonja’s turn to sigh.

“You know I’m not into those parties anymore,” she says. “I want to move on from school. You know that.”

“Because you are so grown up and mature now?” Even says sarcastically. “Wow Sonja, it’s been a few months since you graduating yet you act like you are so much more mature and grown up now because you have a job.”

“You know what I mean, Even,” she says, voice softer. “I don’t think of you obviously. I’m so proud of you and how well you are adapting to this situation. It’s just that I can’t wait for us to start our life together for real.”

Even can’t help but roll his eyes, thankful that he has his back to her. She’s desperately holding on to this idea of them making it through even when all they do is fight. She spends more and more time with her colleagues at work or with her new friends and seems like she can’t wait to put school behind her altogether whereas Even is stuck there for another year and consequently holds her back too. She would never say it out loud but that’s what it feels like. It feels like she is his caretaker and chaperone and not his girlfriend. Even his own parents aren’t this obstinate.

“I need to get home,” Even says once he’s fully dressed.

“Really, Even?” Sonja says. “I thought we could have breakfast together and talk about this in a mature way.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Even says. “I just need you to trust me. I can look after myself and I don’t need you to monitor me.”

“Yeah, you're right,” Sonja says. “I’m sorry. Have a nice evening. I’ll see you on Sunday, okay?”

-

Even doesn’t expect the party to be this big but the unfamiliar living room he is currently sitting in is crowded. He’s squeezed between Erik and Nils and probably ten other people. Both Erik and Nils are chatting to the person next to them, leaving Even just looking around the room.The music loud and everyone around him drunker than he is. He’s only on his second beer. He feels like he doesn’t know anyone and suddenly he feels like the loneliest person in the world. He misses his old friends where there was never any pressure to drink to fit in. They could go to parties sometimes but just as often they would just hang out together, ordering food and watching movies. He misses making short films with Mikael and playing video games with Adam and Mutta. He misses the talks he used to have with Yousef and Elias’ house that used to be their place to be. He misses Elias’ mother’s food and his parents’ hospitality, and the warm and friendly environment. The memories make his heart ache painfully in his chest. He downs his beer and struggles to stand up. No one seems to notice him leave, they are just quick to fill the empty gap on the couch, thankful for the extra space he has left. He finds the bathroom and waits patiently for it to be empty, feeling the pain in his chest grow with every passing second.

When the door finally opens and a group of three girls tumble outside he quickly gets inside and locks the door behind him. He sinks down on the floor next to the shower and leans his head against the wall, taking a few calming breaths. After a few moments he takes out his phone but realises he has no one to call.

-

As he exits the bathroom he almost runs into someone. When he looks up he realises it is Jonas and the other two boys Isak is usually staring at. For a few seconds he and Jonas are staring at each other. Jonas is the first to break the silence.

“Wow, Even?” he says stiffly. “I haven’t seen you in like five years or something.”

“Yeah,” Even says. “It’s been a long time.”

Jonas turns to the other boys and gestures to Even.

“Uh, this is Even,” he says but Even has a feeling they already know his name by the way they look at him.

“I’m Mahdi,” the dark skinned boy says and offers his hand.

“Even,” Even replies.

“I’m, Mangus,” the other boy says.

There is a moment of awkward silence and Even can feel all three of them staring at him. He clears his throat, ready to leave.

“I was actually…” he mumbles.

“Oh yeah,” they guy called Magnus says. “We’re going to smoke in the bathroom. Don’t tell Chris.”

Even has no idea who Chris is but he just nods and steps aside, letting them in. Mahdi and Magnus enter the bathroom but just as Even is about to leave Jonas calls after him.

“Hey wait up,” he says and then turns around. “I just need to get another beer. I’ll be right back.”

Even can’t hear what the others are saying from where he stands on the landing to the stairs but Jonas closes the door behind him and nods to Even with a tight-lipped smile.

“Want to join me outside for a bit?” he says.

Even nods quietly. He’s pretty sure he already knows what it is all about. They walk down the stairs in silence and Jonas fetches a couple of beers from the kitchen before the two of them walk outside.

“Want a beer?” Jonas asks and Even shakes his head.

“I’m good,” he says.

Jonas opens his beer can and takes a sip.

“I didn’t expect to see you here,” Jonas said. “Or at Nissen I mean.”

“Yeah I had to repeat but I didn’t feel like doing it at Bakka,” Even says and decides to not elaborate further.

Jonas nods as he sips on his beer.

“I’ve seen you hang out with Isak a few times,” he says. “I didn’t know you were hanging out again.”

  
“We’re not really hanging out,” Even says hesitantly, not sure where Jonas wants to take the conversation. “We just sit together at lunch in school. We had not seen each other before I started here.”

“I see,” Jonas says.

“I know you and him are not friends anymore,” Even says before Jonas can say anything else.

“Oh,” Jonas says. “Did he tell you that?”

Even shakes his head.

“I didn’t even know he went to Nissen. I just saw him the first day at school but he didn’t see me. I just noticed he looked different from when he and I were best friends. He used to be so happy and carefree but he looked sad and miserable. Then I noticed how he kept to himself all the time and I decided to approach him even if people said I shouldn’t. He’s not said anything about you,” Even says. “Just that I should listen to what everyone else was saying and that he’s not ‘worth it’,” he finishes and air quotes the final words.

“Okay,” Jonas said.

“I don’t mean to be nosy but what exactly happened,” Even says. “I mean what changed?”

“A lot of things…” Jonas says after a moment of silence. “I don’t want to go into detail but shit went down during our first year. Isak did a lot of messed up things.”

“And now you are not friends anymore?” Even presses.

“Look,” Jonas says. “If you think we have abandoned Isak in any way that’s not the case. Isak did a lot of stupid and shitty things but we all tried to be understanding and supportive. But he just kept pushing us away and kept hurting people who wanted to help him by acting mean. Then things spiraled even further during Spring. We tried to support him. We tried to help him but he didn’t want us around anymore. You can’t help someone if they are not willing to accept your help or even let you in. I’ve been burned enough times. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt. And I think if you are not careful you are going to end up hurt too.”

“Okay…” Even says. “I… Isak has not said anything.”

Jonas smiles sadly.

“I didn’t think he would.” he says. “He’s a lot. Isak is a lot. I miss the Isak who was one of my closest friends but I don’t think that Isak exists anymore. I wish I could just let go of everything that has happened and move on. Maybe try to get closer to him again but I can’t. Maybe you think that makes me an awful person, but I also need to do what is right for me.”

“Yeah, I understand,” Even nods. “I miss Isak too.”

“Just be careful, Even,” Jonas says.

Even goes home shortly after. He’s not in a party mood any longer. It’s not even midnight yet but he doesn’t even bother to text Sonja to ask her if he can spend the night. Instead he spends the whole bus ride home thinking about what Jonas had said. At least he knows that Jonas doesn’t hate Isak like Isak seems to think. That’s something even if Jonas clearly isn’t interested in any more attempts at getting closer to Isak. Maybe Even should give up too. It’s been weeks and so far he’s never gone past the small talk. Maybe they are right. Maybe it is not worth it?

-

“You are good with maths, right?” he asks Isak on Monday the week after the party.

Isak looks up at him with a curious look on his face.

“I guess, why?” he asks.

“Maybe you could tutor me,” Even says. “I’m really bad and I’ve been struggling lately. I just want to be able to get decent grades.”

In all honestly he doesn’t care about his grade in maths but he just wants an excuse to see Isak again. In a setting which is not too personal but still more than 30 minutes of lunch together in front of the whole school. He needs to get a chance to get closer to Isak again and make him open up. If no one else wants to do it, he will. He expects Isak to protest and come up with several reason why he can’t and he is prepared with a few counter arguments.

“Okay,” Isak says instead.

“Okay?” Even says, surprised. “I mean great.”

Isak smirks slightly.

“So tomorrow after school?” Even suggests carefully. “Is that good for you?”

“Sounds good, I’ll text you!” Isak says.

-

_Age 6 and 8_

_It’s autumn break and Isak’s dead has taken them to the Oslo Science museum for the day. He has promised them to go to McDonald’s for lunch afterwards but right now the two of them are engulfed with everything the museum has to offer. Mostly it is Isak dragging Even around as usual but Even definitely doesn’t mind. He might not be as smart as Isak even if Isak is only six years old. Even at age four Isak had even told him about supernovas and how they were different from normal stars. He knows that Terje usually reads science books for Isak instead of books like Harry Potter and that’s why Isak is so smart for a six year old.. This is more Even’s cup of tea. There are a lot of experiments they can do and the visual aspect of everything makes it’s easier and more interesting for him to learn._

_Terje is keeping an eye on them but he lets them explore everything on their own. It’s a good thing that they have chosen to go there in the morning because it means that the museum has not gotten to crowded yet and they have time to explore everything at their own pace._

_“Where do you wanna head next?” Even asks._

_They have spent the last 45 minutes in the space section and as usual it has been heard time to get Isak to leave._

_“You decide,” Isak says with a smile._

_He looks happy, smile wide, and green eyes bright._

_“Okay.” Even says. “Maybe we could go to the music area and transportation area next? And if your dad will let us we could go the the makers area before we leave?”_

_“Yeah,” Isak says. “Okay. I’ll just go let dad know.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked it. Chapter 3 in few hours <3 Leave a comment if you want to :)


	4. Why do you see the worst in him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Chapter 3 :)

_Age 8 and 10_

_Isak is staying with Even’s family for the weekend because Marianne and Terje are attending a wedding outside of Oslo. They both love sleepovers but when it is the whole weekend it feels even more special. It means that the pull-out couch underneath Even’s bunk bed remains made and Isak and Even lie in it next to each other the whole day. There is something so special about lying next to Isak like this. Isak’s hair is long now. Longer than most girls in Even’s class and it is still light blond and almost white. It looks so soft on the pillow next to Isak but Isak hates when people touch his hair so Even never tries to. Isak is reading a book he got for his birthday back in June. It’s about space and Isak has read it the whole summer, excitedly telling Even everything he learns. Even is lying on his stomach next to Isak, drawing. He has spent hours trying to draw his auntie’s dog but he keeps messing it up and it looks nothing like Hera. When he lets out a frustrated sigh, Isak looks up from his book._

_“What’s wrong?” he asks._

_“I can’t get the drawing right,” Even complains. “It’s not good enough.”_

_Isak struggles to sit up next to Even._

_“Can I see it?” Isak asks._

_Reluctantly Even shows Isak the drawing._

_“But this is really good, Even,” Isak exclaims excitedly, a smile growing on his face. “Why aren’t you happy with it? It’s super cool.”_

_“It doesn’t look like Hera at all,” Even mutters._

_Isak studies the drawing for a few more seconds before putting it down._

_“Well I can’t draw like this. You are the best drawer I know. Even Jonas in school, who is like the best in our class, is not good like you. You are way better than him.”_

_Even smiles at the praise. In school Jonas is probably Isak’s best friend so it means a lot when Isak likes something Even does better. Now that Isak is also in school it is easier for them to spend time together even if they have their own friends they like to play with during school hours. They still walk to school together and Even likes the idea of being able to keep an eye on Isak._

_One day he finds three other boys teasing and bullying Isak because of his long hair. Isak is crying and the boys are all laughing at him in unison and blocking the way as Isak tries to leave. When one of them gives Isak a small shove, causing Isak to stumble, Even sees red._

_In an instance he is next to them and stands between them and Isak. They are year younger than he is which means that he is at least a head taller than the tallest one. All three of them look intimidated by his presence and start to back away from Isak. Even puts a protective arm around Isak’s shoulder._

_“Don’t touch him again,” he warns. “And leave him alone. He can wear his hair however he likes. He is still much cooler than you three losers. If you do anything else to him I’ll kill you.”_

_-_

_“Why didn’t you tell me these guys were being mean to you?” Even asks once they are on their way home from school._

_“I didn’t want you to think I was stupid,” Isak sighs and kicks at the gravel._

_“I’d never think you were stupid,” Even says. “If they bother you again I’ll kick their asses.”_

_Isak smiles but then he becomes serious again._

_“Do you think I should cut my hair?” he asks._

_“What? No!” Even says. “Of course not. Don’t listen to what they say.”_

_“I just feel like maybe it looks too girly and stupid,” Isak sighs. “That’s what they said.”_

  
_“I don’t think it looks stupid,” Even says resolutely. “And both girls and boys can have long hair.”_

-

Just as promised Isak waits for him in the library after school. Even finds him sitting at the same table Even saw him with Sana. Apart from Isak the library is almost empty. He’s deeply focused on the computer in front of him and doesn’t notice Even walking up to him at first and he takes the chance to just look at him. Isak seems so much more relaxed here, away from everybody. Like he’s allowing himself to put his guard down just slightly.

“Hi!” Even says as he finally approaches Isak and sits down.

“Hey,” Isak says and closes the lid to his laptop, hastily.

“Everything alright?” Even asks.

“Yeah of course,” Isak says and gives Even an awkward smile. “Ready for some maths?”

“Yeah,” Even smiles as he brings out his books.

Isak nods quietly as if he’s trying to come up with something to say. Even suddenly feels nervous. He hopes that this tutor session will be an opportunity to get closer to Isak.

“Maybe it’s better if we sit next to each other,” he suggests. “That way it’s easier for you to explain.”

“Oh yeah,” Isak mumbles and clears his throat.

Even quickly moves to the other side of the table, sits down next to Isak and opens his books. Isak gives him a nervous smile as Even accidentally bumps into his arm and Even can almost see him tense up.

“Just show me what you’ve been working on,” Isak mutters and looks down at the table.

Isak relaxes more and more the longer they study together. At first he is slightly awkward and tense but as time goes by he relaxes visibly. He explains everything to Even with so much patience even as Even keeps messing up because he can’t concentrate. He is too busy staring at Isak’s face to actually listen to what Isak is actually saying. He’s always found Isak beautiful but now, when Isak’s brows are deeply furrowed and he chews on the top of the pencil unconsciously as he concentrates on the equation in front of him, Even can’t take his eyes off of him. He looks so relaxed like this, more relaxed than Even has seen him since that first day he spotted Isak and it takes him back to when they were kids and used to spend hours together doing homework after school. Even then Isak used to have the same expression on his face when he was deep into concentration and Even remember finding it adorable at the time.

“What?” he says when he notices Even looking at him.

“Nothing,” Even says hastily.

“Are you even listening?” Isak asks and raises his eyebrows.

“Yeah, of course,” Even lies.

“Right…” Isak says. “Why don’t you solve these two equations and then we can move on the next page.”

“Okay,” Even says and leans over the paper and stares at the numbers and letters in front of him, feeling Isak’s gaze on him.

He struggles for a couple of minutes before he gives up. Isak gives him a teasing smile.

“See I knew you weren’t listening,” he says and rolls his eyes.

“Okay, fuck you got me,” Even laughs. “I promise I’ll listen to you now.”

-

The two hours pass way too quickly for Even’s liking but eventually they are chased out by the librarian who is closing up for the day.

“You are a pretty good teacher,” Even comments as the two of them leave the school.

Isak looks at him and rolls his eyes but his face remains soft.

“Well you are not...awful…” he says. “As a student even if you never listen. There’s still hope for you. ”

Even laughs.

“That’s good. I’m not hopeless and I always listen to what you have to say...”

Isak freezes up at Even’s words but he smiles gently. They walk in silence towards the tram stop and Even is once again reminded that he doesn’t even know where Isak lives. He wants to ask but he also doesn’t want to overstep when this afternoon has been so good and Isak is finally relaxed around him.

“We should do this again,” he says again, carefully treading the waters around Isak, trying to figure out how far he can push whatever it is they have going on.

“Again?” Isak says doubtfully. “Is one tutoring session not enough for you?”

“If we go by how today went I think I might need one more. We can’t all be masters of science and maths.”

Isak tenses up and Even wants to kick himself for doing exactly what he wasn’t supposed to do, bring up things from the past. He’s prepared for everything to crumble again but instead of closing in on himself Isak breaks out in a smile.

“Yeah who knew I’d still be smarter than you,” he teases.

“I wouldn’t say smarter,” Even retorts. “Only nerdier.”

“Hey,” Isak protests. “I’m not a nerd.”

“Sure,” Even smiles. “You may look all cool and tough but I know how nerdy you really are.”

Isak rolls his eyes again.

They finally reach the tram stop and Isak brings out his phone. He frowns slightly at the screen and then looks at the screen announcing when the next tram is due. The frown on his face remains as he sits down next to Even and digs into his pocket and finds his pack of cigarettes.

“Is it okay if I smoke?” he says, clearly stressed out about something.

Even frowns worriedly but nods, and watches Isak lit his cigarette with shaky hands.

“Is everything alright?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Isak says a little too quickly.

They wait the four minutes it takes for the tram to arrive in silence. Isak focuses on the ground in front of him as he smokes and Even nervously taps his leg up and down. The tram is jam packed and they are forced to stand close together, sharing the same pole for support. A middle aged women wrinkles her nose at the smell of fresh smoke that radiates from Isak but Isak doesn’t seem to care.

“So can we do this again tomorrow?” Even asks, hoping that Isak will say yes.

Isak looks up at him.

“Yeah, if you want to.”

“Same place as today?” Even says.

“Sure,” Isak says with a small smile. “Do you promise to listen then?”

“Promise,” Even says.

-

Even is in a good mood as he gets ready for school the morning after. He can’t wait until after school when he gets to spend time with Isak again. Even if it is just doing maths.

He doesn’t see Isak all day and when lunch comes Isak is nowhere to be seen. Even waits at their table for almost 20 minutes before he gives up and joins his friends for the remaining 15 minutes of the break. They have stopped questioning his choices to sit with Isak every day and seem too invested in planning their Russ to care, but Nils gives him a sympathetic smile as Even puts down his tray on the table and takes a seat next to him. In the other end of the cafeteria he spots Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus sitting at a table. Jonas is watching him with an unreadable look on his face. Even brings out his phone and opens his and Isak’s conversation.

**Even**   
**Hey! I didn’t see**   
**you at lunch today.**   
**Are you alright?**

He sends the text before he can regret it and forces himself to put his phone back into his pocket.

He can barely concentrate for the remainder of the day as he waits for Isak to reply. Two weeks ago he wouldn’t be surprised if Isak was absent for a day but since they started sitting together Isak has been in school every day. Even can’t help but worry about him.

  
**Isak**   
**I’m sorry I can’t come today**

**Even**   
**Oh, that’s okay!**   
**Don’t worry about it.**

**Even**   
**Did something happen?**   
**Are you ill?**

**Isak**   
**No, just stuff going on.**   
**Don’t worry about it.**

**Even**   
**Okay. Will you be**   
**here tomorrow?**

**Isak**   
**I don’t know.**

**Isak**   
**I’m sorry**

**Even**   
**Don’t apologise!**   
**I’m sure I can figure**   
**out the equations on my**   
**own.**

**Isak**   
**Yeah, sure...**

**Isak**   
**;)**

**Even**   
**:)**

Isak’s text does little to lessen his worry. In fact it only makes him feel more worried for Isak’s well-being. Obviously something is going on but Isak doesn’t feel comfortable enough to actually tell Even about it. It would be okay if Even knew Isak had someone else to talk to but he doubts Isak has. He desperately wants to let Isak know that he’s there for him and that Isak can trust him but he is too scared that it will make Isak close up even more.

-

Isak looks absolutely exhausted when Even meets up with him for lunch the day after. The dark circles under his eyes are more prominent than they have been in a long time and it looks like he hasn’t slept at all. Even frowns as he sits down and spots Isak’s untouched food. Isak gives him a half-hearted smile but his eyes look dull and sad.

“Hey…” Even says.

“Hi…” Isak mumbles.

“Are you okay?” Even tries.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Isak shrugs, but it is obviously a lie.

Even Isak’s posture screams exhausted and he is hiding in his hoodie as if he’s trying to shield himself from the rest of the world.

“You look tired,” Even comments gently.

“Thanks….” Isak says sarcastically, but his voice lacks its usual bite.

“I’m just worried about you,” Even says.

Isak looks at him sadly.

“I’m fine,” he says again. “I just have trouble sleeping sometimes.”

“Does it happen a lot?” Even asks even if he already knows the answer.

Isak shrugs again.

“You can talk to me if you want to. You can tell me anything,” Even says and carefully puts a hand on Isak’s arm.

Instantly Isak’s whole body tenses up and he looks at Even’s hand with wide eyes. For a few seconds he doesn’t say or do anything but his arms remain tense as if he’s not used to being touched.

“I…” he starts but then his eyes travel to the side and he quickly withdraws his arm.

When Even looks up and turns around to follow Isak’s gaze he notices Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi walking into the cafeteria laughing and chatting happily among each other. Isak looks at them longingly but before they have any chance to notice him looking at them he forces himself to look away. Even hates the crushed look on Isak’s face every time he sees Jonas. It’s not the first time Isak has looked completely devastated after seeing his old friends. In fact every day he catches Isak looking at them with longing and sadness on his face. From his talk with Jonas he knows he misses Isak too.

“Want to meet in the library after school today?” Even asks.

Isak looks up, the sadness not quite gone from his face yet and possibly even more exhausted than only a couple of minutes ago.

“Uh, we don’t have to. If you are tired we can do it another day,” Even says.

“No, it’s fine,” Isak says quickly. “We can do it today.”

“Yeah, okay,” Even frowns. “Thanks.”

-

As soon as his last class finishes he runs to the closest café and buys two coffees for him and Isak. He looks at the pastries behind the counter and decides to buy two danish pastries as well.

Just as he is about to enter the library he runs into Sana who is about to leave, carrying her laptop in her arm. Behind her he spots Isak sitting by a table.

“Oh hi, Even,” she says.

“Hi…” he says.

“How have you settled into school?” she asks gently.

“It’s been okay,” Even says. “A bit stressful and all but I’m doing okay.”

“I’m glad you are,” she says. “I know I’ve said it before but it’s really nice to see you again. That you are doing a lot better I mean.”

Even nods and bites his lip nervously.

“Does Elias know?” he asks.

He’s scared that she might have told Elias and that Elias has told the others. He wonders what they might think about him.

She shakes her head.

“No, of course not,” she says. “I wouldn’t tell anyone about you unless you want to, Even.”

“Thank you,” Even says. “How are they?”

Sana smiles.

“Elias is living the high life,” she laughs. “He’s living off mum and dad while he tries to figure out what to do.”

Even nods and bites his lips. Hearing about Elias makes him miss his friends so badly, but with the way things ended they’ll probably want nothing to do with him.

“Anyway, I’m glad I ran into you. I was going to ask you something. A friend of mine, Vilde is arranging Kosegruppa for the revue and we are going to have our first meeting soon. I thought you might want to come. It will probably be pretty lowkey the first time but we are also planning a few parties. I just thought it could be a good opportunity for you to get to know more people. There will probably mostly be people from our year but everyone is welcome.”

“Oh yeah maybe…” Even says.

The he looks over Sana’s shoulder to Isak who is still sitting by the table, waiting for him to show up. He sees the dark circles and remembers the look on Isak’s face when he sees his friends, remembers how much he misses his own friends. If Vilde and Sana are going to be there, maybe Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi will as well? He just can’t stand to watch Isak look so miserable every day and hear him talk about himself as if he somehow deserves everything that is happening to him. As if he deserves to be alone for the rest of his life.

“Can I bring a friend?” he asks and tears his eyes off of Isak and looks back at Sana again.

“Is that friend Isak?” Sana asks immediately. “I’ve seen you hang out with him.”

“Oh,” Even says, trying to come up with something to say. “Yeah?!”

She nods and gives him a strange look.

“What?” he says.

“Nothing,” she says. “I’m not going to tell you what to do or who you can be friends with. I know you can make those decisions for yourself but just be careful, okay?”

“Careful, how?” Even asks.

“I don’t want you to end up getting hurt,” she answers. “You are a really good person, Even, and I would hate to see you get hurt because of him.”

Even is not sure what to answer. He can’t say that he knows Isak won’t hurt him because Isak has managed to hurt him a few times already but he’s so tired of hearing people tell him what to do.

“I know what I’m doing,” he says.

She nods, not looking quite convinced.

“So can he come?” Even asks.

Sana looks unconvinced.

“I don’t know, Even. A lot of his old friends are going to be there. I’m not sure…he probably wouldn’t even wanna be there in the first place.”

She probably has a point in that Isak wouldn’t want to come but Even knows Isak. He knows that despite Isak’s tough exterior he’s just as vulnerable as the rest of them. He hates that he is the only one that sees that. The only one that seems to notice and care.

“Why do you see the worst in him?” Even demands. “I ask about him and you immediately tell me to stay away. Even my classmates tells me to not bother because Isak is a bad person or something. Even Isak’s old best friend Jonas has talked to me about him. I don’t get it.”

“I don’t see the worst in him,” she says defensively. “It’s just complicated and I can’t really go into it without saying things I shouldn’t go into. It’s just that Isak never lets anyone see the good sides anymore. He never lets anyone in and he hurts people to push them away.”

“Why?” Even asks. “What happened?`”

“I can’t tell you that,” Sana says. “It’s not my place.”

“We’ve all done stupid things we regret, right?” he says.

She looks at him and shakes her head.

“You shouldn’t blame yourself,” she says. “What happened was not your fault and no one blames you for it. You shouldn’t feel guilty.”

“I just know that I’ve pushed people away too. And I’ve hurt my friends and family,” Even says weakly.

“Yeah, but that is not the same thing,” Sana says. “You didn’t do things on purpose. Isak might be hurting but it still doesn’t excuse some things he did.”

“And I’m not saying it does. All I’m saying is that we’ve all fucked up. But I know Isak. I’ve known him for a long time and he’s not a mean person. He might have made a few mistakes or whatever you want to call it but I think that he deserves a chance. I know how much he’s hurting and how much he misses his friends. He just won’t say it because he’s protecting himself. Please, Sana?”

“Okay,” Sana says. “You can bring him. I’ll sort it out.”

“Thank you, Sana,” Even says. “I owe you one.”

“I’ll text you,” she says with a small smile.

When he finally walks into the library Isak is waiting for him at the same table as the day before yesterday.

“You’re late,” he says.

“Two minutes,” Even says as he checks his wristwatch.

“Mine says 33,” Isak says with a small smile.

“Okay three minutes,” Even smiles.

“What did Sana want?” Isak asks.

“Uh…” Even says. “Nothing really. I just ran into her as she was exiting the library. You know she is Elias’ sister right?”

“Oh…” Isak says. “I didn’t know that.”

“I bought coffee for you,” Even says, changing the subject.

Isak looks at him.

“You bought coffee?” he asks surprised.

“Yeah, of course,” Even says. “I figured you might need it.”

“Uh, thanks,” Isak says as he accepts the paper mug from Even’s outstretched hand.

He takes a small sip and a smile spreads on his face.

“That’s not all though,” Even says and holds out the bag from the café. “I bought you something else too”

“What is it?” Isak asks curiously.

“Make a guess,” Even says and snatches the bag away when Isak tries to grab it.

“Cinnamon bun?” Isak says.

“Wrong,” Even says. “One more chance or you’re out. I’ll give you a clue though. It’s even better than cinnamon buns.”

“Danish pastry?” Isak says and smiles when Even hands him the bag.

“You didn’t have to,” he says as he inspects the pastries with an adorable look on his face.

“Yeah but I wanted to,” Even answers. “And I know you didn’t eat anything for lunch so you are going to need it.”

“Thank you, Even.” Isak says gratefully.

Even watches him break the bun into pieces just like he did when he was younger. He takes another sip of his coffee.

“This is good,” he comments.

“So I got it right?” Even asks. “I was going to buy you one of those fancy lattes but I didn’t know if you’d want vanilla or caramel or even cinnamon.”

“What made you think I’d go for a latte?” Isak asks with an amused smile. “Do I look like the typical latte guy?”

“What does a typical latte guy look like?” Even retorts.

“Ugh, I don’t know. Aren’t you supposed to know? You look like someone who could work at Kaffebrenneriet.”

“Do I, now,” Even smirks. “And how does someone like that look?”

Isak rolls his eyes but his smile widens.

“You know what I mean,” he says.

“No I don’t,” Even laughs. “How does someone like that look. Tell me!”

“Ugh, you know. Nice hair, big smile, friendly to everyone, good looking.”

“You think I have nice hair?” Even teases and feels his heartbeat pick up at the thought of Isak calling him good looking.

Isak laughs, making Even feel even warmer inside.

“You know you have nice hair, Even,” Isak says. “Don’t pretend you don’t.”

“Not as good as you,” Even retorts.

Isak looks at him and blushes slightly as he re-adjusts his snapback on his head.

“What?” Even says. “It’s true.”

Isak rolls his eyes.

“Are you ready for some more algebra?” he asks. “I hope you’ve made your homework!”

“Homework? You never said anything about homework, Isak,” Even says playfully.

“See I’m pretty sure I did,” Isak jokes.

“Really? When?”

Isak laughs again.

“I must have forgotten to send you the text. I have so many to tutor that I must have forgotten about it, sorry,” he says.

“I thought I was your only student,” Even smiles. “I thought I was special to you.”

“Well you are the only one that buys me coffee and pastries,” Isak says. “I guess that counts for something even if you are a useless student.”

“Wow, you keep hurting me,” Even says, “Calling me worthless. Aren’t you supposed to motivate your students? Making us believe in ourselves? Maybe you are just a really bad tutor?”   
  
“Who knows. But if you want to pass that test you are so keen on I’m your only option,” Isak retorts. “Or do you also have several other tutors waiting in line for you?”

Even looks Isak in the eyes seriously.

“It’s only you,” he says.

Isak looks right back into his eyes, his smile changing from playful and teasing to warm and happy.

“I’m glad,” he says.

“Me too,” Even says.

Isak clears his throat and pushes up the sleeves on his shirt and Even’s eyes are caught on the faint scar on Isak’s wrist from the surgery he had as a child. Isak notices him looking and his eyes travel to his arm.

“I remember when you broke it,” Even comments.

“Me too,” Isak says and looks up again.

“It was the scariest moment in my life,” Even says. “When you fell from the top of that tree I thought you were going to die.”

“You didn’t show it though,” Isak says slowly. “I just remember you comforting me and carrying me home.”

“No,” Even says. “But when you were finally in the hospital and mum told me you would have to have surgery I cried so hard. My parents could barely calm me down even after they had told me you’d be perfectly fine. I didn’t want to go home until I knew you were going to be okay. It felt like it was my fault you got hurt because I should have looked out for you. That’s what our parents always said. That I needed to look out for you because you were younger. But I failed and I let you down and because of that you got hurt. I couldn’t sleep that night and I remember promising myself that I’d never let you get hurt again. Sometimes I think about how I-”

“I think your phone is ringing,” Isak interrupts before Even can say that it feels like he has let Isak down over and over again.

Isak gestures to to Even’s phone that sits on the table. The phone is on silent but the screen has lit up with an incoming call. Even picks up the phone, noticing that it is Sonja calling. Suddenly he remembers that he promised to meet up with her after school today.

“Fuck, it’s Sonja,” he says as he declines the call, noticing that she has already called three times and sent a bunch of texts.

Isak’s face falters in an instance.

“Sonja?” he says.

“Oh yeah. My girlfriend,” Even says awkwardly and puts the phone away. “Do you-”

“Of course I remember her,” Isak interrupts. “I just didn’t know you were still together.”

“Oh…” Even says. “We are…”

“Great…” Isak says but he doesn’t look happy and he refuses to meet Even’s eyes. “Five years, huh?”

“Yeah… five years,” Even mumbles.

“That’s really good. That you still have her,” Isak continues without looking at Even. “I’m happy for you. I remember how much you loved her and how happy you were when you first got together. It’s great that you have managed to hold on so long.”

“Yeah, but…” Even says. “We aren’t-”

“We should start working,” Isak interrupts. “You probably want to get home soon anyway and I have places to be.”

“Oh,” Even says. “Yeah, okay.”

They work together for an hour. Isak patiently explains everything to Even but the teasing tone from the other day is gone. He doesn’t roll his eyes when Even messes up even after Isak has explained something for him three times and whenever Even tries to make eye contact Isak is quick to look away and pretend to be in deep concentration. The tension between them is exhausting and Even knows it is his fault. He shouldn’t have brought Sonja up. She had always been a sore spot for Isak and Even had always known that.

When he first started dating Sonja Isak had become weirdly distanced. Even if they didn’t see each other nearly as much as they did before Even changed schools and moved they still hung out regularly. But then Even met Sonja and spent more time with her and when he offered to hang out all three of them Isak refused. At first Even had thought that maybe Isak was jealous, a tiny bit of hope filling him at the thought of Isak possibly feeling the same way he felt about Isak. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Sonja. He was probably in love with her too. He had been in love with Isak for a couple of years when he met Sonja, hoping that dating her would make his feelings for Isak go away. She was funny and smart, and beautiful but she didn’t make him feel the way Isak did. Sometimes with Isak Even got all nervous for no reason even if they had known each other for years. Sonja never managed to bring the same amount of butterflies in Even’s stomach. The little bit of hope of Isak liking him back had died though because Isak had just said that he was tired of Even spending all his time with his girlfriend and forgetting about his friends. He didn’t love Even back. Still Sonja had been the end of their friendship, the reason they spent less and less time together until they never called or texted.

Even knows it’s his fault that their friendship fell apart, just like it is his fault that Isak refuses to meet his eyes as they finish the last pages of the chapter. Isak’s shoulders are tense and the grip on the pen tight. His walls are up high again and Even feels guilty. They have come so far, and Isak has just started to be himself again and now they have just taken three steps back. It’s his fault. Even the ride home is tense and awkward, laced with uncomfortable silence.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Even says once he gets off the tram.

“Yeah,” Isak mumbles.

He doesn’t call Sonja back once he gets home. He just sends her a lame excuse that he got caught with a school project which she never replies to.

-

**Even**   
**Hi! Wanna do something**   
**after school today? It**   
**doesn’t have to be**   
**algebra ;) We could**   
**go out for a coffee?**

He sends the text to Isak as soon as he wakes up on Friday morning. He’s had a restless night and his dad notices how tired he looks once he steps into the kitchen for breakfast. His mother has already left for work but his dad is sitting by the table, eating his usual breakfast of two open hand sandwiches with eggs, a glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee.

“Bad night?” he asks gently as Even pours himself a cup of coffee.

Even nods.

“Do you have time to sit down for a while?” his dad asks. “To have breakfast. It feels like I’ve barely seen you this week.”

Even quickly makes himself a bowl with cereal and sits down next to his father.

“Any reason for your troubles sleeping?”

For a second he contemplates telling his dad about Isak and everything going on with him. But if he did they’d demand answers or ask why Even hasn’t invited Isak over or even told them they go to the same school now. Even shakes his head.

“Not really,” he says.

“Okay,” his dad nods. “But you’d tell me if something was bothering you. I know you want us to let you live your life and that you are an adult but you are still our kid.”

“Yeah, I know, thanks dad,” Even says. “I’m fine I promise.”

“And everything is still going well in school?”

Even nods.

“And is everything alright with you and Sonja? I haven’t seen her in a while.”

Even sighs and rubs his face. He does not want to talk about Sonja right now. She still hasn’t replied to his text and Even knows without a doubt that she is pissed off with him.

“Everything is fine, dad,” he says. “With school and Sonja.”

“Okay, Even,” his dad says unsurely. “I’m not going to keep nagging. I need to get ready for work. Have a nice day!”

Even finishes his breakfast, watching random videos on youtube. Isak is yet to answer to his text but Even tries not to worry too much about it. Yesterday was so good before Sonja called but after that Isak’s mood had changed significantly.

-

He impatiently waits for Isak to show up in the yard and when he finally does walk up the stairs Even rushes up to meet him.

“Hi,” he says cheerfully.

“Hey,” Isak mutters and continues to walk past Even.

“You didn’t reply to my text,” Even says as he follows Isak, determined to not let Isak’s mood put him off.

“Oh yeah, sorry, I can’t today,” Isak says and keeps walking.

“Are you doing anything special?” Even asks.

“I said I’m busy,” Isak says, slightly annoyed.

“Is something wrong?” Even asks.

“Nothing is wrong, Even,” Isak says. “I’m just busy today.”

“Okay, are you busy now though?” Even asks.

Isak stops and turns around to look at Even.

“What about now?”

“Are you too busy for a coffee now?” Even challenges.

“What the fuck we have school,” Isak says.

“Please, I really want to talk to you. Tell you something,” Even says pleadingly.

“I don’t know,” Isak starts, biting his lip and looking around them. “I’ve already missed more than ten percent,”

“Then another day won’t make the difference,” Even says. “I promise you it will be worth it.”

“Fuck, okay,” Isak mutters.

-

“So what did you want to talk about?” Isak asks bluntly twenty minutes later when they are sitting down at Kaffebrenneriet.

“Um,” Even starts. “I don’t know really,” he lies.

“You made me skip and brought me here for no reason?” Isak says skeptically.

Even shrugs.He truly doesn’t know where to begin.

“I don’t know. I just wanted us to be able to talk about things. I just figured it might be easier to do it outside of school.”

“Oh,” Isak says. “Yeah.”

“Like I know you don’t want to talk about the past or that we are barely friends but I like spending time with you, even if it is lunch breaks or you teaching me maths.” I just wished we could know each other better, you know?”

“I like spending time with you too,” Isak says.

“But?” Even asks.

“I’m really bad at friendships,” Isak sighs. “I’ve fucked up one too many times and realised that it is better to just keep away.”

“Yeah so you’ve said,” Even says. “But look at us now. We are friends or something, aren’t we?”

“Yeah,” Isak says. “I guess we are.”

“Maybe we can be friends again, and get to know each other better again.” Even says. “It doesn’t have to be much. I can go first. What’s your favourite colour?”

“Favourite colour? Really?” Isak says.

“Just answer the question, Isak,” Even answers.

“Blue. Yours?”

“Green,” Even smiles. “Favourite animal?”

“This is stupid,” Isak mutters. “I don’t even know. I hate animals.”

“How can you hate animals?” Even asks.

“Because they are scary and unpredictable. Or they are stupid and smelly. Like there are snakes, and spiders and rats which are all disgusting and scary. And there are so many animals that could just kill you. I once read that cats can’t even be domesticated. They do whatever they want and everything is just because it benefits them. They make us believe that they have been domesticated but in reality they are just manipulating us into believing it. My aunt’s cat used to bite me when I tried to pet it and it would always jump up on things and knock things over. On purpose,” Isak rants.

Even can’t help but smile as he watches Isak’s eyebrows scrunch up. He does remember that cat from when they were little. While Even had loved that cat, Isak had been terrified of her. Isak looks up from his rant and notices Even smiling.

“What?” he says.

“Nothing,” Even smiles. “Let’s get out of here!”

They finish their coffees and walk outside. It’s a crisp autumn morning and the air is cold around them.

“We should probably go back to school,” Isak says and looks in the direction of NIssen.

“Do you want to?” Even asks.

Isak shakes his head and re-adjusts his backpack. He’s wearing a burgundy snapback today with grey jeans and a green bomber jacket, coupled with a huge scarf that he is now burying his face in against the cold. They start walking down the street, leaving Nissen further and further away. It makes Even feel happy and relaxed. When he’s there he is always on edge, prepared for people to look at him differently or whisper behind his back. He spends his days acting normal around everyone and sometimes he feels absolutely exhausted by the time he gets home. With Isak everything is different and getting to spend time with Isak without other people’s presence allows him to see even more of Isak. At lunch Isak is always guarded and on edge, never allowing himself to relax.

The only time Even has seen him relaxed is in the library after school hours when no one else is around, and now, when Isak has just been ranting angrily about cats and is hiding his nose in his scarf. He’s so beautiful with his green piercing eyes and the curls that peek out underneath his hat, it takes Even’s breath away.

“You coming?” Isak asks impatiently.

“Yeah,” Even says. “Let’s go.”

-

_9 and 11_

_One moment Isak is climbing the tree, reaching higher and higher where the branches are thinner. The next moment he is falling and Even hears himself scream. He can’t do anything but watch as Isak hits the ground with a thud. For a few seconds everything is quiet and Even is sure Isak is dead. But then Isak screams in pain and Even sinks down on his knees next to him. Isak is cradling his arm to his chest, tears streaming down his face as he struggles to control his breathing._

_“It’s okay, Isak,” Even says softly and rubs Isak’s back. “Let me see your arm.”_

_“No…” Isak whimpers. “Don’t touch it.”_

_“I’m not going to touch it,” Even promises. “I just want to look at it to see how bad it is hurt.”_

_He gently takes Isak’s injured arm in his hand and bites his lips when he hears Isak wince. Without rolling up the sleeve he won’t be able to assess the damage but there is no way he’ll be able to do that without hurting Isak more._

_“It’s broken, right?” Isak cries, face pale and ashy._

_“No!” Even lies. “C’mon I’ll get you home.”_

_-_

_“Isak’s arm is broken. He is going to be fine but he will need surgery so that the doctors can put the bones in his arms back in the right place.”_

_“No,” Even says, tears forming in his eyes._

_“I promise he will be absolutely fine, Even, he’ll be home once the surgery is done and then you can probably visit him.”_

_“No. I want to stay here,” Even sobs. “Please let me stay here.”_

_“Even, sweetie. Isak’s surgery won’t be for a little while and the doctors gave him medication for his arm so he’s a bit sleepy now. You’ll be able to see him tomorrow.”_

_“No,” Even wails. “I need to stay with him.”_

_He’s crying louder than Isak when he fell from the tree and he fights and kicks as his dad leads him away. He can’t leave Isak alone. He needs to be there and hold Isak’s hand in case he gets scared or is in too much pain. He cries the whole way home in the car and despite his parents attempts to cheer him up he can’t stop thinking about Isak for the rest of the night. At night he lies awake, thinking about Isak’s screams, wishing he had been able to catch him before he fell._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :) So Isak is slowly letting down his guard, allowing Even to see the real him but there is still a long way to go. Even is desperatly trying to understand what is going on but he will have to remain patient :)


	5. Is this some kind of joke?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4 :)

_Age 10 and 12_

_Some days Even feels extra happy. This is of those days. School is out for the summer and they have a long summer break to look forward to. No school, no early morning, sleepovers whenever they want and long days outside. It makes Even happy to know that they will have days like this for the rest of the summer when they can do whatever they want._

_Right now they are having a water fight in the backyard. Even’s dad has bought them at least a hundred water balloons and they have spent almost an hour filling all of them up. Isak’s long hair is plastered to his face from when Even hit him square in the head with one of the balloons and his whole body is completely drenched. He’s running away from Even, narrowly escaping another hit as Even throws another balloon at him. He laughs as he turns around and gives Even a triumphant smile. Then he throws two balloons at Even which Even tries to avoid. His laugh grows louder when he hits._

_It takes an hour to fill the balloons but only 20 minutes before they are all gone and Isak and Even take their towels and lie down in the grass to dry. They take their books with them and a huge plate with fresh strawberries and watermelon, which they share. Isak lies on his stomach, reading his book and eating a slice of watermelon. Even lies on his back, watching the blue sky above him._

_“We should do this again tomorrow,” Isak says._

_Even turns his head towards Isak and covers the sun with his hand, squinting slightly._

_“You’ll lose again,” he teases playfully._

_“I did not lose,” Isak protests and puts down the book. “I’m the master of water fights.”_

_“Right,” Even laughs. “What are you reading?”_

_“A book dad bought me,” Isak says. “It’s about all the planets in our solar system. It has pictures of the different planets and the their moons. And also a lot of interesting facts.”_

_“Care to share anything with me?” Even says and flops to his stomach as ISak opens the book again._

_Isak is so smart and sometimes Even wishes he knew half as much as Isak does about science and especially space but whereas Isak loves spending time reading books about the universe and everything else space related Even has almost no patient when it comes to reading. He prefers watching movies and drawing but he still enjoys lit when Isak teaches him all these things._

_“What do you want to know?” Isak says._

_“I don’t know. Something cool, I guess,” Even says. “Which planet has the most moons?”_

_“Jupiter,” Isak says with a smile. “It has 63 moons. But they might find even more because they are still making researches and new discoveries all the time.”_

_“Wow, that’s a lot,” Even says. “What about the other planets?”_

_“Saturn has 61, but all of them have been confirmed yet.” Isak explains. “Uranus 27 and Neptune 13. Even Pluto has three but it’s not a planet but a dwarf planet. And March has 2. Did you know Jupiter’s biggest moons, IO, Europa, Callisto and Ganymede are visible from the earth? You can see them using binoculars.”_

_“No way?” Even says. “That’s crazy!”_

_Isak smiles._

_“You can actually see a lot of things just with your eyes. This month Jupiter is visible on the sky every night. And in July you can see Saturn. In fact you can even see another galaxy from earth. Especially during winter.”_

_Even has always been fascinated by Isak’s obsession about space but sometimes hearing Isak talk about it scares him because it makes him feel small._

_“Don’t you ever get scared?” he asks. “When you read about all these things?”_

_Isak looks at him._

_“No, why?” he asks._

_“I don’t know. It just makes me uncomfortable,” Even sighs. “How can people know all this? How can the universe be so big? I don’t like it.”_

_“I just think it is fascinating,” Isak says. “But do you want to do something else?”_

_“No go on,” Even says. “Tell me something else.”_

  
_On days like this Even feels extra happy._

  
-

Even takes Isak home. Sonja is working late today and his parents won’t be home until the evening since they were going out for dinner tonight. It feels weird letting Isak in again. Like it’s the first time when it really isn’t. Isak has been here before, plenty of times even but it feels like so much has changed since last time they hung out together here.

“Wow, you remodled the kitchen,” Isak comments as he walks around the apartment and inspects every room. “And repainted the living room.”

“Yeah, we did,” Even says.

“So much changed,” Isak says. “It’s nice though.”

As they walk into Even’s room Isak stops in the doorway and looks around the room silently.

“You changed your bed,” is the first thing he says as he walks into the room.

Even smiles and nods towards the queen sized bed that occupies the majority of the room.

“Yeah, I got tired of climbing up the stairs every night,” he says.

“Understandable,” Isak says as he moves around the room.

He stops in front of the wall where Even has put most of his drawings and photographs. Even watches his finger trace one of the pictures before he turns around and looks at Even.

“You are still really good,” he says warmly. “Do you draw a lot?”

“Mostly photography,” Even says. “I draw sometimes when I feel inspired. With photography it’s sometimes easier to just take the camera outside. But lately I’ve not been into it as much.”

“Oh. why?” Isak asks.

“I don’t know,” Even shrugs. “I guess I’ve not felt inspired lately.”

Isak nods and walks over to the chest of drawers where Even has all his cameras.

“Can I?” he asks and waits for Even’s confirmation before he carefully takes the camera in his hand, even putting the strap around his neck as if he remembers how precious these cameras are for Even.

“Smile,” Isak says as he points the camera towards Even.

Even smiles and waits for the shutter to go off before he crouches down and feels the pocket of one of his jeans. If he remembers correctly he has some weed there from the last party he was at. He finds the small bag and holds it out to Isak. Isak places the camera back on the chest of drawers and smiles.

They end up lying next to each other on Even’s bed, sharing the joint Even rolls for them. The window is open so that Even’s parents won’t notice the smell of weed once they get home. They will be disappointed in him if they ever find out he is smoking again but a few drags in Even has forgotten about his worries. He feels a whole new level of excitement and warmth lying this close to Isak. All he can focus on is Isak’s face close to him, the movements of Isak’s chest as he breathes slowly, and how nice he smells.

“I saw you the first day of school. Before the cafeteria I mean,” Even confesses after a few minutes of silence.

“Oh,” Isak says. “You did.”

“I was so ready to leave because everything felt hopeless and I hated myself so much. But then I heard your voice and I instantly knew it was you and when I looked up and saw you my heart stopped. You looked so different though.”

“Different how?”

“Older I guess. But also sadder, angrier.”

Isak doesn’t say anything so Even continues.

“I just knew I had to get to know you again because I had to know what was wrong. You looked so miserable and it made me forget about my own pain. All I could remember was how happy you used to be and how much I used to miss your smile. If it wasn’t for you I would have given up right away and left. Then I saw you again at lunch and you were sitting all alone and when our eyes met you were so quick to look away. I was too scared to approach you. I should have, right away but I wasn’t brave enough. I looked for you every day and you always looked so dejected and unhappy and on days where I didn’t see you I’d feel so worried about you. Then I noticed you talking to Sana and I asked about you, pretending I didn’t know you. It’s really stupid but I just needed to know...she-”

He stops talking and looks at Isak. He doesn’t want Isak to know what Sana or the others said about him. Even if they are words Isak has used himself, Even knows how much more it hurts when other people say them.

“It’s okay, Even,” Isak says. “I know she warned you and told you to stay away. I know what people say about me.”

“That doesn’t make it okay though, Isak,” Even says seriously. “And besides she never went into details about anything. She said it wasn’t right for her to talk about it with me.”

Isak nods and accepts the joint from Even’s hand. Even finds it adorable how Isak holds it between his thumb and index finger.

“What made you try despite what everyone was saying about me? Even though I was mean towards you in the beginning when you were just being nice? Why didn’t you just leave me alone? I just don’t understand.”

Because everyone deserves to have people fighting for them, Even wants to say. Because no one should believe that they are not worth it. Because I couldn’t stay away even if I wanted to. Because I can’t take my eyes off you. Because you take my breath away.

“I wanted to know what changed,” Even says. “What happened to make you this person people were talking about. I didn’t want to believe them because I knew there had to be more to the story and that something must have made you hurt.”

Isak looks at him sadly.

“A lot of things changed, didn’t it?” he says quietly.

“Yeah, it feels like it,” Even says. “Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t moved. If we had remained friends.”

“Don’t blame yourself, Even,” Isak says.

“I fucked up things between us, though,” Even says. “It feels like it was my fault that our friendship fell apart. With everything that happened when I changed schools and met the boys and Sonja. I know it wasn’t easy for you...”

“It’s not your fault,” Isak says.

“Maybe it is…” Even grimaces. “I’ve fucked up alot of things too. With you, the boys, Sonja, at Bakka. Eventually I only had Sonja and my parents left.”

Isak looks at him with an unreadable look on his face. He nods slowly.

“I’m…” Even starts. “I guess you must wonder why I transferred to Nissen and why I’m repeating?”

“Yeah, I mean… of course I do,” Isak says. “But you don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to…”

“I’m bipolar,” Even says, feeling his heart rush in his chest as he waits for Isak’s reaction.He realises that this is the first time he has actually told someone about this, ABout his darkest secret. This is the first time he chooses to tell someone instead of having people know because he did something crazy.

Isak looks at him in awe and a couple of dreadful seconds pass before he speaks.

“Okay,” he says. “I...I’m not sure exactly what it means. I mean I’ve read about it but...”

Isak looks at him unsurely and Even grimaces. Isak notices his face fall.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t… I know it doesn’t change who you are. I know you are still the same person. I’m trying to wrap my head around it.”

“Thank you…” Even sighs.

He takes a long drag from the joint and tilts his head towards Isak. He closes his eyes briefly before he opens them again. Isak’s green eyes are watching him, soft and understanding and it gives Even the courage to tell Isak everything that went down at Bakka from how he kissed Mikael to all the terrible things he wrote on the facebook page and how he was so ashamed of himself that he never replied to their worried texts.

“That’s why I decided to transfer to Nissen. I couldn’t live with the shame of everyone knowing what a lunatic I was. I couldn’t bear the thought of everyone talking about me behind my back and hearing rumours about me. I’m still scared that people are going to know about me and that people are going to talk about it at Nissen.” he finishes, voice cracking slightly.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Isak says quietly. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you…”

“You didn’t know,” Even says and swallows to get rid of the lump in his throat. “Anyway ever since I’ve just felt like everyone around me is treating me differently and I really hate it. I hate how my parents are worried about me all the time and that I feel like Sonja is more of a caregiver than a girlfriend. We have not been working in a long time and we both know it. We should break up because we are not good for each other anymore. She wants us to move in together after I graduate but I think both of us know it won’t happen. I’ve treated her like shit but she has stood by me for so long. Through everything. And I’m not sure I could do it without her. I don’t know how to be strong without her because she has always been there, you know. She’s been in charge when I’ve been too depressed to eat and she’s spent countless of hours by my side trying to make sure I’m okay. It’s just sometimes I feel like it’s killing me inside She tells me what to do and how to feel and I feel like I’m suffocating… Like no matter what I do she will always know better.”

“Only you can know what you feel, though,” Isak says. “And you are the bravest person I know and probably the strongest person as well. And you deserve to be happy.”

“Thank you, Isak,” Even says quietly, feeling his chest thug happily.

Isak smiles faintly and tilts his head away from Even to look at the ceiling. It looks like he’s thinking hard, like he wants to say something. He bites his lip and sighs deeply. Even watches him the whole time and wonders what’s on Isak’s mind.

“What?” Even asks.

“Nothing…” Isak says without turning away from the ceiling.

Once again the hours pass by in a heartbeat. They smoke, listen to Nas and eat cheese toasties. Even can’t remember when he last felt this happy. Isak tries to teach him how rap even if he clearly sucks at it himself and Even laughs until his stomach hurts. In the afternoon they take a long walk down to the harbour and Even even brings his camera with him. It’s a beautiful autumn day, perfect for photography and suddenly Even feels full of energy.

“What do you want to do after you graduate?” Isak asks as he patiently waits for Even to finish taking a photo of some autumn leaves. “What do you want to work with?”

“Eventually I’d like to go to university,” Even says from where he is crouching on the ground. “But probably not right away. Maybe just work somewhere to save some money and then travel.”

“What would you like to study?” Isak asks.

Even stands up and straightens his back. He puts the lens protector back on temporarily and puts the sling around his shoulder.

“I don’t know. At Bakka I was set on studying film or even photography but I honestly don’t know if I would be good enough anymore. I wouldn’t make it. There is nothing about me that is special. I’m just one of thousands of students that think they can be the next great director when in reality everything I do is mediocre.”

“Hey don’t say that,” Isak says. “You are far from being mediocre. I’ve seen your drawings and the photos you have taken. You are amazing. If that’s what you truly want to do you should go for it.”

“I’m not sure if that’s what I want though,” Even sighs.

“But that’s okay too,” Isak points out. “No one has to know what they want when they are nineteen, Even. Some people make up their minds when they are 30 and then they still have another 30 years to work.”

Even laughs.

“That’s comforting,” he says. “What about you? Still dreaming about becoming an astronaut?”

“No...childhood Isak would be devastated to know he’ll never get to go into space,” Isak says.

“So what does 17-year-old Isak want to do?” Even asks carefully.

Isak looks away and kicks at a few leaves on the ground.

“I wanted to become a doctor, but I doubt I’ll get into med school. My grades are not good enough for that so…”

“Oh,” Even says and he can’t help but feel sad for Isak.

They reach the harbour as the sun begins to set. Isak walks in front of him and Even brings out his camera again and snaps a few pictures of Isak’s silhouette in the soft, golden light. He takes a few more of just the sunset and then another one as Isak throws a rock into the water. Isak looks so peaceful standing on the dock, hands in his pockets and the hoodie he has borrowed from Even covering his head, looking out at the water. He barely reacts as the shutter goes off again as Even takes a photo of him.

“Hey turn around,” Even says. “Just your head, though.” Isak turns his head around and looks at Even intensely through the lens.

“Is this good,” he asks self-consciously as Even adjusts the settings slightly.

“Perfect,” Even says and takes a picture. “Now can you smile,”

“I don’t like my smile,” Isak grimaces. “I just feel awkward smiling. Especially on camera like this. It just makes me feel stiff and weird.”

“Just don’t think too much,” Even says. “Just think about something that makes you happy or something really funny. You don’t have to look into the camera either. Just make sure your face is still being lit up.”

At first Isak only manages a few stiff smiles but the more pictures Even takes the more he can see Isak relax in front of him. His laugh goes wider and his teeth are showing. Even feels completely mesmerized by how beautiful he is even through the lens and Even can feel his stomach flutter as he puts down the camera and lets it hang around his neck. Isak is still smiling, eyes glistening in the sunlight. Even wants to reach out and kiss him on those perfect lips, he wants to hug him and bury his nose into Isak’s neck. He wonders if Isak feels the same way. If he is warm inside and weak on the knees. Wonders how it would feel to have someone kiss him back and not push him away like Mikael had done. Isak is so close he can almost feel Isak’s breath on his face.

“What is it?” Isak asks quietly.

“Nothing,” Even says.

-

“I wish I didn’t have to go home,” Isak sighs.

They have left the harbour and are now strolling back the same way they came. It’s completely dark by now and much colder than before but Even doesn’t feel the chill air anymore.

“We can stay out here forever,” Even suggests.

Isak gives him a small smile. He stops walking and for a few moments he looks up at the sky. It’s a clear night and the stars are out. Even remembers how obsessed Isak had been about the stars and the constellations back when all he did was read about space. A lifetime ago when everything was simple and they could spend hours lying under a blanket next to each other watching the stars together. Back when there was no Sonja, and no worries and the only thing that mattered was that moment.

“You know mum is sick, right?” Isak says and looks at Even again. “I mean she was sick even before you moved but it’s only gotten worse. She’s really bad at the moment…”

Even nods and thinks back to what the boys had said about Marianne.

“Everything is so crazy at home,” Isak says. “She’s delusional all the time and dad is angry all the time. She thinks the world is ending and that we are all going to die and she doesn’t trust anyone but herself or god. She won’t take her medication that the doctors have prescribed to her. They are supposed to help but she doesn’t trust them. She’ll think you are trying to poison her and corrupt her because she doesn’t think she is sick. And when you say that she is she’ll get angry. But she hears voices and sees things all the time and sometimes she doesn’t eat or sleep or say anything for days. Sometimes she just screams at nothing and you can’t calm her down. And dad can’t take it. He’ll just yell back at her and then she’ll start to cry and dad will take off and he won’t be back until the next day. They should have just divorced and they probably would have if…” Isak’s voice dies down and he swallows thickly. “I feel like I can’t take it either. But I don’t have anywhere to go…”

When Isak stops talking a tear makes its way down his cheek but he quickly wipes it away and Even feels his heart break. Isak is alone and scared, caught up between two parents who fight and argue all the time. Between a mother who is in need of more care than she is willing to admit and a dad that is too tired to care and who rather just takes the easy way out. And caught in the middle are Isak and Lea, and Even has no doubt in his mind that Isak would always look out for Lea and put her first. Isak was always an amazing big brother and Lea meant the world to him from the moment she was born when Isak was ten.

“You can always come stay with me,” Even says quietly.

Isak rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and Even pretends not to see how wet his long eyelashes are.

“Thank you,” he says.

-

Even is going through all his photos from last night when there is a knock on his bedroom door and Sonja walks in. Even quickly shuts the lid and straightens up on the bed.

“Oh, hey,” he says. “I didn’t know you were coming,” he continues as she walks up to the bed and plops down next to him.

“You didn’t answer my texts, I thought we could go out for brunch or something.”

She looks down on the computer on his lap and the camera next to him.

“What are you doing?” she continues.

“Uh, nothing,” Even lies, clenching his teeth.

Since when does she just show up at his place randomly just because he has not answered her texts? This feels like a whole new level of control and he doesn’t buy that she only wants them to go out for brunch. She is clearly feeling need to check up on him since she hasn’t heard from him all morning.

“Well you could have answered my texts,” Sonja says, clearly annoyed by Even’s lack of response.

“Sorry my phone has been on silent all morning,” Even says, which is true. “I’ve been doing some editing and school work and didn’t want to be distracted.”

“So what did you do last night?” she asks.

“Just stayed home,” Even says. “Mum and dad were out so I just cooked some food and watched a movie.”

“Oh, yeah your mother told me they went out yesterday. We said we should go out all four of us soon. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Even just nods.

“So where do you want to go for brunch?” she asks and sits down on the bed again. “Maybe you could google places? Mathilde at work recommended me a place but I don’t remember the name.”

“Can’t we just stay home?” Even tries.

He’s not keen on going out for brunch with her at all.

“We never do anything though,” Sonja says. “When was the last time we went out and did something fun just the two of us? Is one brunch too much to ask?”

Hesitantly Even opens the laptop, trying his best to close the windows with the photos of Isak that he has spent the last two hours staring at. Unfortunately Sonja is quick to move to sit just next to him and before he can close them she sees one of the pictures of Isak standing in the sunset. The one where Isak’s smile is the brightest and he looks the most relaxed.

“What the fuck, Even?” Sonja exclaims. “Was that Isak? The guy you used to hang out with when you were younger.”

It’s funny how she calls him the guy Even used to hang out with when Isak was his best friend for over 10 years. Way to diminish Isak’s importance in Even’s life.

“Yeah,” he says. “He goes to Nissen.”

“Are you friends with him again? I thought you and him fell out? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Even sighs and rubs his face.

“I didn’t know I had to tell you everything in my life,” he says.

“Don’t be like that. Don’t you think it’s a little weird that you’ve never mentioned it?”

“I don’t know, Sonja. I didn’t think it was that important. Besides we’ve only just started to hang out together.”

“But you are taking pictures of him?” she asks.

“Yeah is that not allowed?” Even snaps.

“I’m just confused to why you haven’t told me about him,” Sonja says.

She stands up from the bed and restlessly begins to gather the clothes that lie on a pile on the floor and begins to fold them neatly as if she was Even’s mother. Once again Even finds himself clenching his teeth. She’s getting worked up and whenever she does she always finds something to focus on. Then she brings Even’s shirt to her nose.

“Have you smoked weed?” she asks and looks with him with such disbelief and disappointment. “This reeks of weed, Even. Honestly? What is your deal? You said you wouldn’t smoke. It is not good for you. You know that.”

“Sonja,” Even begins but as soon as he opens his mouth she interrupts him.

“I don’t understand what is going on with you anymore. You keep things from me, you smoke despite promising us you wouldn’t. You are out partying every week and whenever we see each other it’s as if you aren’t the least bit interested. You don’t answer your phone and you forget our dates? You are not even trying anymore. I’m doing my best but you never give anything back.”

Her voice breaks and she sinks down on the bed, tears streaming down her face. He should move to comfort her but he doesn’t.

“I’m sorry,” he says lamely.

Despite everything he hates making her cry and the lump in his stomach grows as he watches her cry.

“I just think it would be better if we took a break,” he hears himself say.

She looks up at him and fresh tears fill her eyes. He swallows and blinks, but nothing can keep his own tears at bay and nothing can stop the lump from forming in his throat.

“What?” she cries.

“We aren’t working anymore. You said it yourself,” he says. “I hurt you, a lot. I’m not invested anymore and you...I feel like sometimes you don’t see the person I want you to see. I feel like you see me as someone you need to take care of and not just a boyfriend and that isn’t right. We should be happy but I don’t think you are happy anymore. And I don’t think I am either…”

She hides her face in her hands as she sobs violently but as he finally reaches out to comfort her by patting her on the back she flinches away as if he has burned her. Defeatedly he sinks back on the bed and watches her stand up.

“I can’t,” she says and with that she leaves the room.

He can hear voices coming from outside from his parents wondering what is going on and he presses the heels of his hands to his eyes. A few seconds go by and then the front door slams shut. A minute later his mum knocks on the door and peeks inside.

“Sonja just left, did you have an argument?” she asks.

He just shakes his head but he can’t hide the tears from her. She is his mum. It take her only seconds before she has him wrapped in her arms.

-

He allows himself to be sad the rest of the day and stays in his room. His parents are worried and keep checking on him every once in a while. But while he feels sad he also feels a little relieved that he has finally done it. While there is an ache in his chest it feels like he can somehow breathe more easily. In the evening he opens up his computer again and looks at the pictures of Isak. He does some minor edits to the lightning before saving them in a new folder. Once he’s done it is late at night and he can hear his dad’s snores coming from his parents’ bedroom. Otherwise everything is quiet and dark and the only thing that lights up the room his the blue computer light. He brings out his phone and opens up the conversation with Isak.

**Even**   
**I broke up with Sonja**

**Isak**   
**Oh… are you okay?**

**Even**   
**No**

**Even**   
**Or maybe I am.**   
**I don’t know. I just feel weird.**   
**We were together forever but**   
**it was the right thing to do.**   
**I just need to get used to**   
**being alone.**

**Isak**   
**You are not alone, Even!**   
**I’m here for you if you**   
**need to talk.**

**Even**   
**Wanna do**   
**something tomorrow?**   
**Kindof feel like I need**   
**to get out.**

**Isak**   
**Yeah! Of course!**   
**What do you wanna do?**

**Even**   
**I don’t know.**   
**Anything :)**

**Isak**   
**Okay :)**

-

It’s a relief to get out of the house to meet Isak on Sunday afternoon. His parents have been a little overbearing the whole morning, trying to ensure that Even is okay. He knows they mean well but the shared looks of concern between them got old fast.

Isak is waiting for him outside of Kaffebrenneriet. He’s wearing Even’s hoodie again underneath his jacket. He’s looking down at his phone but when he hears Even approach he looks up and a smile spreads on his face.

“Hey,” he says. “Oh you brought the camera!” he continues and gestures to the camera bag on Even’s shoulder.

“Hi,” Even says, returning his smile. “Yeah, thought I might as well…”

He doesn’t mention that he hopes to fill his sd card with new pictures of Isak or that he has spent an unhealthy amount of time looking at the photos he took the other day.

“Are you okay?” Isak asks casually as they begin to walk down the street.

“Yeah, I think so,” Even says honestly. “It’s really nice to get out of the house though. Mum and dad can be a little too much sometimes. I mean I know they loved Sonja and that they are worried that I won’t cope but it’s like they are worried I’m going to fall apart completely. They hardly wanted me to leave the house in the first place. They even made this huge family breakfast and made me sit through the morning TV show with them. And I think mum even contemplated sleeping in my room last night. I think she checked on me at least ten times.”

He looks over at Isak who nods slowly. Immediately he is filled with guilt. It doesn’t feel fair that he is complaining about his parents being too caring when just two days ago Isak told Even he didn’t want to go home because of his family.

“I’m sorry…” he says and grimaces. “I didn’t mean to make it sound like I’m ungrateful-”

“Even-” Isak interrupts, voice soft. “It’s fine. You can be honest with me about how you feel.”

Even smiles gratefully.

“I know I did the right thing,” he starts. “It was hard but we were not working anymore and neither of us were happy. She’s been a part of my life for so long and I’ll miss her. A part of me will probably always love her too because she was my first real girlfriend and she stood by me through so much, But even if I’m a little sad I feel relieved too. Does that make sense?”

Isak nods and gives him a small smile.

“She was your first love,” he says slowly. “That is always bound to be special.”

Not the first, Even thinks. Definitely not the first. Isak had always been his first love and would always be. He has loved him forever and been in love with him since he was about 13 years old. Probably earlier but his first distinctive memory of feeling something more from Isak is from the summer Isak turned 11. He was in love with Isak when he told him he was moving and going to another school. When they saw each other less and even when he first met Sonja and they started dating and he told Isak about it that rainy November day. The feelings have always been there even when he loved Sonja with all his heart. It’s just that it was so much easier to forget when Isak was just a distant memory of a boy with green eyes and the prettiest smile.

It’s only been you, he wants to say on this overcast October afternoon. It’s been you all this time. Don’t you see? He wants to say. He doesn’t. He’s too scared. He’s not brave like Isak thinks he is.

“She was,” he lies and Isak gives him a strange look.

He says goodbye to Isak three hours later. They have spent the whole afternoon walking round Oslo without any particular goal, talking, laughing, listening to music as if nothing ever changed between them. Like they were always best friends. Nothing has changed. There is a fire in Even’s chest and butterflies in his stomach every time Isak looks at him. There are butterflies in his stomach every time he laughs. Isak stands a little closer than all the other times they have said goodbye, looks at Even a little more intensely.

I’m in love with you, Even wants to say. I love you and I’m in love with you.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he mumbles. “Thanks for hanging out with me today.”

Isak smiles, looking soft in Even’s hoodie.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says. “Good night, Even.”

-

**Isak**   
**So coffee after school?**   
**We could study together :)**

Even is in a good mood when he wakes up in the morning on Monday. He reads the text from Isak several times before he makes it out of bed and gets dressed. Both his parents are at home this morning and Even can hear them talk among themselves in the kitchen as he makes himself ready in the bathroom. As soon as he walks into the kitchen both of them look up from what they are doing.

“Morning,” he says.

“Good morning, sweetie,” his mother says, a little too excited. “I made eggs for you. Do you want some?”

“Yeah, okay,” he says. “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“I’ll just come in an hour later today,” his mum says.

Even sighs. He knows that they are doing. They are trying to make sure he is okay in their own version of subtle which is not very subtle at all.

“I’m okay,” he says. “You don’t have to watch me or minitor me for that matter.”

“Even…” his dad starts from where he is sitting by the kitchen table, coffee in his hand.

“No, Anders,” his mother says before she turns towards Even again.

“We are not trying to monitor you,” she says, clearly feeling a little guilty. “We trust you but of course we are going to worry when you break up with your girlfriend. Any parents would. It’s a huge change for anybody.”

Even sighs.

“Fine,” he says. “But I feel fine. I promise.”

“Okay sweetie,” his mother says. “But the eggs are still waiting for you.”

-

Even ends up running a little late and has to run from the tram to make it. As he reaches the courtyard he spots Isak waiting for him outside, waving at him as soon as he spots Even running up the stairs. Even feels a jolt of excitement run through his body at the small gesture.

“Good morning,” he smiles as Even approaches him and the two of them walk inside.

“Morning,” Even says breathless.

“You didn’t reply to my text,” Isak says with a small smirk.

“Oh shit,” Even says. “I forgot. I’m sorry. I was going to but then mum made me eggs for breakfast as an attempt to make sure I was still okay and I ended up being late.”

“It’s fine,” Isak says. “So do you want to meet after school?”

“Yeah, of course,” Even says. “But I’ll see you at lunch right?”

“Yeah,” Isak says. “I’ll be there!”

-

Nils is already inside the classroom when Even makes it to class but luckily the teacher has not arrived yet.

“Hi,” Even says as he sits down.

“Hey, man,” Nils says. “Where were you this weekend? You missed a sick party. We texted you but you didn’t reply.”

“Oh,” Even says. “Yeah I broke up with my girlfriend so I was a little down.”

“Shit, that really sucks. I’m really sorry for you,” Nils says comfortingly. “Sonja right?”

“Yeah,” Even mumbles. “I didn’t really feel like doing anything this weekend.”

“I get you. When I broke up with my girlfriend a year ago it took me so long to get over it and get back on track. Got myself shitfaced at every party for several months…probably not the best coping mechanism. I’m glad I had my friends...”

Even nods, and thinks of Isak who most definitely has been very supportive. Before he has time to say anything more their teacher arrives and the lesson starts. The rest of the morning goes smoothly and Even makes it to the canteen a little before Isak. As he waits for him to arrive he receives a text from Sana.

**Sana**   
**Hi Even.**   
**Kosegruppa are having**   
**their first meeting on friday.**   
**18:00 in the auditorium. You**   
**are welcome to join us.**

_**Even** _   
**Hey! Yeah, thank you.**   
**I’ll try to be there.**

**Sana**   
**That’s fine.**   
**Will you bring Isak?**

Even looks up briefly but Isak still hasn’t arrived.

** Even **   
**I’ve not talked to him**   
**yet. But I will!**

** Sana **   
**Okay! I’ll see**   
**you on friday then :)**

Even puts his phone in his pocket again and tries to come up with a way to convince Isak to go. He knows that Isak will refuse if he just asks him about it and he suspects that nothing Even says is going to change his mind. He doesn’t want to go behind Isak’s back but he knows in his heart that this is what Isak might need. Even if he is not willing to give himself a chance. He just needs to make sure that Isak gets there on Friday and hopefully things will work out okay. But how is he going to make sure that Isak shows up at the auditorium on a Friday night?

-

He spends several days trying to come up with an excuse to get Isak to the auditorium on Friday night. He ends up with a stupid lie, telling Isak he is doing a photo thing for the revue group responsible for the back drops in the auditorium. For some reason Isak agrees to help him out which makes Even feel even more guilty.

He can’t look Isak in the eyes as they leave Kaffebrenneriet and walk back to the school. He’s carrying his camera over his shoulder and his school bag on his back. Isak is walking next to him. Seemingly oblivious to Even’s strange mood. The courtyard is completely empty and everything is quiet and peaceful except for Even’s racing heart. It feels strange being in school and it being so empty, just the two of them in the long corridor. By the time they have reached the auditorium Even feels dizzy with nervousness and his heart his hammering painfully in his chest. He wants to take everything back, wishes he hadn’t made that lie to begin with. He just knows that things will go badly. But it is too late.

Isak freezes immediately as soon as he walks into the auditorium. Suddenly all eyes are on them and even from behind Even can see Isak’s shoulder go stiff. There are about ten people in the room but Even only recognises Sana. She is standing next to two other girls. One of them is blonde and is holding a basket filled with homemade bread. The other one is wearing a beane over her auburn hair. Both of them are staring at Isak as if he was an alien.

“What are you doing here?” the blonde one demands.

“I…” Isak starts and turns around to look at Even with a look of confusion on his eyes.

“You need to go,” the other girl says.

“He’s with me,” Even says. “Sana said I could bring him! He’s my friend.”

Both of the girls turn to look at Sana in disbelief.

“Yeah I did,” she says.

“But why?” the blonde girl demands.

Isak’s face falls and the look he gives Even is full of betrayal.

“You knew about this?” he says, clearly confused.

“Isak, I…” Even begins.

“Why would you be okay with him being here?” the blond girl repeats. “After what he did to Eva and Jonas...and William.”

“Vilde, what William did has nothing to do with Isak. He’s responsible for his own actions,” Sana says. “I thought we could all move on from this by now.”

The blonde girl, Vilde, shakes her head.

“But he did fuck it up between Eva and Jonas, didn’t he? And he never really said sorry for everything that happened last spring...I’m not sure I’m okay with him being here. Kosegruppa is about having fun and spreading love. I don’t think Eva thinks it’s particularly fun if Isak is here, right Eva?”

The girl with the auburn hair looks conflicted but she looks at Isak with a hurt look on her face and crosses her arms over her chest.

Everyone is looking at them by now, curious about the raised voices and behind Even more people show up in the doorway. Another girl and a boy are walking hand in hand but as soon as she sees Isak she stops.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, seemingly more surprised than angry.

“I want to leave,” Isak says.

“Yeah I think you should,” Vilde says.

“Thanks but I didn’t ask for your opinion,” Isak says coldly.

“Well I’m the one in charge of everything,” Vilde starts matter of factly. “I think I should get a say in who gets to join and everything.”

  
“Yeah, clearly this group is a huge success,” Isak says. “Your closest friends and a bunch of first years. Bound to be the best revue group ever. I bet your parties are going to be great too.”

“Don’t talk to her like that,” Eva says and Sana gives him a stern look.

“Whatever,” Isak says and turns to face Even again. “Why did you bring me here?” he asks angrily. “Is this some kind of joke?”

Even reaches out to touch Isak’s arm but he yanks himself free.

“Don’t touch me,” he snaps,

“I know how much you miss them-” Even begins but then the door opens again and Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus walk in.

Once again Isak tenses up completely. Looks small and vulnerable and scared under their gaze. It’s like Isak is trapped with nowhere to escape and Even begins to understand what a huge mistake this has been.

“Dude, what the fuck?” Magnus says and looks between Jonas and Isak. “Did you know he was coming?” he continues and turns to Jonas.

Jonas just shakes his head. Clearly he is just as taken aback as Isak. The former best friends look at each other in silence.

“Did you know he was coming?” Magnus asks and looks at Vilde.

“No, and we didn’t invite him either,” Vilde says. “Well Sana did but-”

“Why are you here?” Magnus asks, looking at Isak again. “You’ve not spoken to us since last year. You never even-”

Isak tears his eyes from Jonas, and Even can see how he tries to build his walls. He crosses his arms over his chest and takes a step back.

“Yeah this is a bit fucked up,” Mahdi says.

“Maybe it’s best if you leave,” Eva says. “I mean clearly none of us were prepared for this and I think it would be best for everyone.”

Isak looks at Even again.

“Is this some kind of joke?” he asks again. “Is this revenge for me being a horrible friend and you wanted to humiliate me in front of everybody?”

“No of course not,” Even says and reaches out to touch Isak again.

“That was not what we wanted,” Sana says and looks around the room. “We just thought we could all talk.”

“Well you should have told us,” Vilde argues. “All of us. This isn’t fair. This was supposed to be a nice time for everybody and now-”

“I’m leaving,” Isak says shaking his head. “I hope you have a really great time together all of you and enjoy your pathetic little group. Clearly this was a mistake on your part because you all obviously don’t want anything to do with me and I certainly don’t need you in my life.”

He pushes past Even

“Isak wait-”

Both Even and Jonas call out for him at the same time but Isak is already gone. Even gives everyone an apologetic look before he runs after him.

Isak has already made it outside and is angrily kicking at the wall outside. At first he doesn’t even notice Even standing there. He just kicks and screams and something breaks in Even’s heart.

“Isak you are going to hurt yourself,” he says. “Please let me explain.”

Isak looks up and stumbles backwards.

“Fuck you, Even,” he says. “Fuck you for lying to me and bringing me there like I’m a fucking joke. If this wasn’t to get back at me then what was it? What did you think would happen? That they would magically be just forgiving and happy and everything would back to normal?”

“I’m sorry,” Even starts.

“How long have you planned this, huh? Is that why you were suddenly so interested in studying together. Was it just so you could fulfil your saviour complex and make you feel better about yourself?”

“No-”

“Then why, Even? I told you I didn’t want friends. I told you it wasn’t worth it, but you didn’t listen. Did you have to leave me humiliated in front of everybody in there? As if it’s not humiliating enough every day at school to watch all your old friends hang out with each other but ignore your existence. They hate me, Even. Do you understand that now? Do you get it?”

“I’m sorry,” Even whimpers. “I’m really, really sorry.”

“How would you have reacted if I brought all of your old friends over and tricked you into coming there unprepared?”

“I’m so sorry,” Even repeats. “I thought I was-”

“What did you think, Even? That everyone was going to forgive me just because you brought me there. Just because you and Sana were scheming together. I should have known though. Realised that she was acting nicer towards me. How could I be so fucking stupid.”

“You are not stupid,” Even says. “I just thought that things would be better if you’d just talk to them.”

“Wasn’t that testimony enough for you? I’ve not spoken to these people in months. Apart from Sana I’ve not even said hello to either of them since this semester began and they still hate me. I’ve gone out of my way to stay out of their lives and never bother them but you just had to ruin that?”

Isak is panting and he is backing away further and further away from Even.

“You shouldn’t have brought me here, Even,” he says, shivering in the cold and Even notices he’s not even wearing his coat.

“I know, I’m so sorry. I should have talked to you. I should have invited you to come with me instead of lying to you. I never planned for this to happen. I’ve seen how much you miss your friends. Even when you pretend you don’t. I can see that you are hurting and that you feel lonely. I know they miss you too. Especially Jonas. He said-”

“You’ve talked to him too?” Isak says, voice breaking.

“No- or yeah. I ran into him at a party but-”

“Did he tell you everything that happened?” Isak asks. “Did he tell you about all the fucked up shit I did to him? That I split him and Eva up on purpose because I was in love with him. Did he tell you that I kissed him and then freaked out because he rejected me. Or that I went out partying and tried drugs. That he tried to help but I wouldn’t let him. That I got into trouble with a group of guys from another school that I borrowed money from that ended up beating him up because I couldn't pay them back? Did he tell you that I refused to tell the police what I knew and that I left him to die? Did he tell you about all the fights I started and about the cruel things I said to him and everyone else to push them away.”

Isak stops speaking and he looks utterly defeated. Tears are streaming down his face and arms curled around his body.

“He...he didn’t say anything about that,” Even says. “But Isak I don’t care. I care about the person you are now. The person you are to me.”

“Don’t you get it?” Isak says.”I’ve always been that person. As soon as things go to shit I treat everybody I know so badly they never want to see me again. I’ve burnt by bridges and the sooner you get that the better. It’s just a matter of time before you get enough and leave too you shouldn’t have bothered. I’m toxic.. It’s not going to change.You should have pretended like you didn’t know me. You should have trusted everybody that told you to stay away.” With that Isak turns around and starts walking away.

“Isak, wait!”

But Isak doesn’t listen and Even doesn’t make an attempt to catch up. He feels too crushed to move.

-

_Age 11 and 13_

_They are on holiday at Smögen together. Isak’s mum has been sick for almost a month now and their parents had agreed that it was better if Isak came with Even’s family for holiday. Even knows Isak has been sad a lot lately because he hasn’t been very talkative. He doesn’t exactly know what’s wrong with Marianne and Isak doesn’t want to talk about it much but he knows it is serious. He has heard his parents talk about it several times when he and Isak have had sleepovers together at their place. One night Isak had fallen asleep on his arm and Even had carefully removed his arm from underneath Isak and tippy toed outside. His parents had already been in bed but they were talking about Marianne. They said that she was depressed and that she could barely function. That she spent all her time in bed and didn’t have the energy to even talk to Isak or take care of little Lea. No wonder that Isak was so sad all the time. Even had soon returned to the bedroom and lied down next to Isak and put his arm around him again._

_Isak doesn’t look sad right now and that makes Even happy inside. Isak is catching crabs by the beach and he is absolutely ecstatic every time he manages to catch one. Even’s dad has even bought him a small fishing rod for the purpose and helped Isak put some leftover meat on the hook. Even has his own fishing rod but unlike Isak he had lost patience after only 20 minutes and now he has spent the last hour taking pictures of both Isak and the landscape as well as used his new macro lense. Now he’s put the camera to the side and collected some paper and pencils from inside. He’s drawing Isak, just like so many times before._

_“Hey,”_

_Even looks up and notices a girl standing next to him. She is wearing jeans shorts and a white tank top and wears her long hair in a messy ponytail._

_“Hi!” Even replies._

_“Do you live here?” she asks and Even figures she must be Swedish because she talks funny._

_“Yeah,” he says and points to the cottage they are renting for the week. “In that one.”_

_“Oh you are Norwegian, right?”_

_Even nods._

_“I’m Amanda.”_

_“I’m Even.”_

_“What are you drawing?” Amanda asks and curiously looks over Even’s shoulder._

_Reluctantly Even lets her see._

_“Wow, this is really good. Is that your little brother?”_

_Even sighs._

_“No that’s my best friend Isak.”_

_“Oh…” she says. “Cool!”_

_Amanda looks over to the camera by Even’s side. “Is that yours too?”_

_Even nods and turns his attention back to the drawing._

_“My parents bought me a camera recently. Not as cool as yours, though. A smaller one.”_

_“A compact camera,” Even mumbles._

_“Yeah… maybe you could teach be some day. We are staying for a week.”_

_“Uh maybe,” Even mumbles even if he’s not the least bit interested in teaching her anything._

_“Cool,” Amanda says for the third time. “Hey my friend and I are going to the beach. Do you want to come?”_

_Even shrugs._

_“I’d have to ask my parents and talk to Isak about what he wants to do.”_

_“Oh. Can’t he stay here otherwise?”_

_“No,” Even snaps._

_-_

_A little later he, Isak, Amanda and Amanda’s friend Julia are on their way to the beach. Isak is being quiet and doesn’t engage much in the conversation. To be honest Amanda is talking non-stop so it is difficult for any of the others to get a chance to say anything. Amanda keeps asking him questions but eventually Even gets tired of answering. When they arrive at the beach she is quick to put her towel next to his on the ground._

_“C’mon,” she says and tries to pull Even with her towards the water._

_“Wait for Isak,” he says as he watches Isak put down his own towel on the other side of Even’s and take off his shoes and t-shirt._

_“Can you dive?” Amanda asks. “Yesterday we jumped from the rock over there. Let’s go over there.”_

_She drags him along and turns around to face Isak who is looking at him with huge, expressive eyes. His hair is still long and a little messy from the wind and salt water but Even hopes he will never cut it. Secretly he thinks Isak is prettier than both Amanda and Julia and he wishes it was just the two of them. Isak smiles towards him._

_“We’ll go home soon, okay,” Even offers._

_Isak nods._

_They jump from the cliff a couple of times but Even soon gets annoyed at Amanda because she keeps acting like Isak is a baby in comparison to them when Isak is a better swimmer than all of them and can swim under water the longest. While Julia and Amanda take turns jumping from the cliff Even watches Isak dive in the water several times. Once he returns he is holding a starfish in his palm._

_“Look,” he says._

_“Look, Even,” Amanda shouts._

_“Let’s go home soon,” Even says before he turns his head to look at Amanda._

_-_

_An hour later they are back by their cabin. Even has finished his drawing and they are now having ice cream outside. Isak laughs at a joke Even tells him and Even can feel a small flutter inside his stomach at the sound of Isak’s voice. The flutter never goes away after that._  
 _It stays for the whole summer even after they come home again. Even doesn’t want the summer to end at all. He wishes it could go on forever because in August school starts and Even and his family are moving out of their house and into an apartment closer to town. Even won’t go to school in Grefsen. Instead he’ll be going to Uranienborg which will be much closer to his new home. It means that he and Isak won’t be able to see each other every day. Even hopes Marianne is better by then because the whole summer has been a rollercoaster of emotions for Isak and Even doesn’t want to think about Isak handling everything by himself. They will still be friends of course, they will always be best friends. But if he can’t see Isak every day then how is he supposed to make sure that Isak eats and sleeps. Who’s going to comfort Isak when he is upset?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3 So things hit the fan :O Even really tried to do what he thought was best but it backfired. Leave a comment if you want to :) Only to more chapters after this.


	6. I can’t go home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5 and second to last :)

_Age 12 and 14_

_“Hey, me and the boys are going to the movies on Friday, do you want to come?”_

_They have been seeing each other less. Even now that it’s summer and there is no school. It’s been a little less than a year since Even moved and in the beginning they had seen each other several days a week and continued with their regular sleepovers. Now they only ever see each other over the weekend but keep in contact over the phone for the rest of the week._

_Even has grown close with Elias, Mikael and Yousef, who are all his classmates, and he spends almost everyday after school with them. Sometimes he wonders if Isak is maybe a little jealous of Even’s new friendship even though he has his own friends at his school that he hangs out with after school. Even tries his best to balance his time between Isak, his friends, school and his parents. Sometimes he feels guilty when he doesn’t have time to spend time with Isak. He’s even tried to merge Isak together with his new friends but they are all Even’s age and despite Isak being mature for the most part a two year age difference is pretty obvious sometimes. Especially with these boys that don’t know Isak that well. Isak has recently cut off his hair and the long, blond mane is gone. Isak is wearing a snapback over his now short hair. It doesn’t make him any less pretty and attractive in Even’s eyes. He’s been trying to get over his crush on Isak for over a year now but it’s useless and he’s starting to doubt he will ever get over Isak. No one knows about his feelings. Whenever he and his friends talk about love it is always about girls. Which girl is hottest and which girl they would want to date. Even thinks Isak is prettier, smarter and nicer than all the girls in school. But no one needs to know that._

_“I don’t think Mikael likes me,” Isak mutters._

_“Why do you think that?” Even says annoyed._

_It’s exhausting when Isak is like this all pouty and quiet as if it is Even’s fault that he moved and they sometimes can’t see each other every day._

_“He thinks I’m childish,” Isak says. “He barely talks to me.”_

_“Well you barely talk to him either,” Even says. “You get all weird as soon as we hang out with them.”_

_“Forgive me for wanting to spend time with my best friend sometimes, Even,” Isak says, raising his voice slightly. “But I guess you have your new best friends. You always do things with them and you never have time for me anymore.”_

_“That’s such bullshit, Isak, and you know it,” Even snaps, “Stop acting so bratty about this. We are literally hanging out right now and I offered you to come with us to the cinema but if that’s not good enough for you then what do you want me to do? I’m not going to stop being friends with them because it makes you jealous.”_

_Isak looks sad, jaw tight and lips tense. He looks tired too, now that Even looks more closely._

_“Did you not sleep well last night?” Even asks worriedly._

_Isak shrugs indifferently and Even sighs in frustration. He really hates when Isak is like this. When he refuses to tell Even what is going on. It wasn’t always like this but lately Isak is much more closed off and curled in on himself._

_“Isak, please talk to me… tell me what’s wrong.”_

_“Nothing is wrong,” Isak says. “It doesn’t matter. It’s stupid anyway.”_

_“Nothing you feel is stupid,” Even says gently. “Nothing about you could ever be stupid.”_  
  
_“It’s just that everything is so messy at home and I can’t sleep. I’ve not slept properly all week.”_

_“Oh, I’m sorry. Is it your mum again?”_

_“No not really. Things are okay but now she and dad are fighting all the time. I hate hearing them argue every single day. They wouldn’t even notice if I didn’t get home in the afternoon.”_

_“I’m sure that is not true,” Even says. “They love you so much.”_

_It’s not the first time he’s had to convince Isak that his parents love him and probably not the last. It’s in times like this when it really sucks that they are drifting apart. He can’t stand seeing Isak in this much pain. He hates seeing Isak look so sad. He promises himself he will do better._

_“Hey, Isak,” he says after a little while. “Did you know that green is the rarest eye colour?”_

_Isak looks up, shaking his head._

_“Only two percent of the world population has green eyes,” Even says. “It makes you super special.”_

_A tiny smile appears on Isak’s lips._

_“You are so stupid,” he says._

-

**Even**   
**I’m so fucking sorry Isak.**  
**I really am. Please**  
**talk to me.**

**Even**   
**Are you okay?**  
**At least let me**  
**know you are okay.**

**Even**   
**I’m really sorry.**

**Even**   
**I shouldn’t have lied**  
**to you. I know it was wrong**  
**I just want to explain. I’m sorry**  
**for hurting you.**

**Even**   
**I’m worried about you**  
**at least let me know were**  
**you are.**

**Even**   
**Isak?**

**Even**   
**I’m sorry. I hate myself**  
**for lying to you and I**  
**wish I could take it back.**  
**Can we please talk?**

**Even**   
**Isak please?**

Even texts, and texts and texts, but Isak never replies. When Even calls he never picks up and Saturday night the calls go straight to voicemail. Isak doesn’t want to talk to him, doesn’t want to hear him out but Even can’t blame him. He’s really fucked everything up. Isak was just starting to trust him and was starting to slowly open up and Even just had to destroy everything. He can’t get rid of the look of utter betrayal on Isak’s face. The look of fear and hurt when Isak was faced with his old friends. He spends the whole weekend in his room, his parents worrying about him and lingering close. He lets them bring him food, lets them believe he is a little down because of his break up with Sonja. This feels ten times worse. It feels like his whole heart has been ripped out of his chest and the guilt is eating him alive. Isak trusted him and he let him down. He thinks about everything Isak had said about him and Jonas and the things he had done, as if he couldn’t understand how Even could even consider being his friend after talking to Jonas. How much he had revealed about himself in a moment of weakness, things he probably wasn’t ready for Even to know. He thinks about Isak crumbling in front of him after trying to put up a tough front when faced with his friends. Isak had tried to be his cold and mean self but behind it all he was breaking inside. Toxic, Isak had called himself, and maybe that’s what breaks Even the most, hearing Isak say those words with such defeat in his voice like that’s what he truly believes.

He can’t bring himself to go to school on Monday. He doubts Isak will be there but he is too tired to leave bed anyway. He wonders what people will say. If there will be rumours. He left shortly after Isak and he’s not talked to anyone since then. He hasn’t replied to the text Sana had sent asking him if he was okay. She had said she was sorry for not talking to the others beforehand. Well he hadn’t exactly talked to Isak either so they were both culpable in this situation. He doesn’t reply to the texts from Nils and Simon, asking where he is. He just lies in bed wishing he could feel empty and numb. His parents want him to make an appointment with his therapist but he is not depressed, just heartbroken. He has dinner with them on Monday just to prove a point and then retreats back to his room where he checks his phone for the 15th time to see if Isak has replied to his texts.

He doesn’t go to school on Tuesday either.

**Even**   
**I know I am the**  
**last person you**  
**want to talk to**  
**but please text**  
**me back. Just**  
**so I know you**  
**are okay. Then I’ll never**  
**bother you again. I’m so**  
**sorry.**

He sends Isak another text before jumping into the shower. He’s not showered since Thursday night so it is long overdue. He feels slightly better once he is clean and dressed in freshly washed clothes but as he returns to his room he is filled with that same heavy feeling in his chest. He ends up texting Nils, telling him he is sick and that he doesn’t know when he will be back. He texts Sana and tells her not to worry and that everything is his fault and not hers. Tells her he hopes everything is alright with her friends and that they are not angry with her. He texts Isak again.

**Even**   
**I’m so sorry.**

He is not sure why he still keeps texting when he knows Isak won’t reply but he needs Isak to know how sorry he is. Even is always sorry, is always fucking up one way or another and he always ends up hurting the people he loves. It’s like he’s programmed to always ruin the good things in his life.

Eventually, the restlessness becomes too much and he can’t bring himself to stay in his room any longer. He ends up making some cereal in the kitchen which he brings to the living room. It’s not much but his parents will probably be ecstatic when they come home and find out he left his room. They really don’t expect much of him. He flickers through all the channels on TV and settles for the Great British Bake off. He’s almost halfway through the episode when his phone buzzes next to him. He grabs the phone instantly, because just maybe Isak has finally texted back. His heart drops when he sees Sonja’s name on the screen but he opens the text nonetheless.

**Sonja**   
**Hey can I come over**  
**this afternoon? I have**  
**a few things at your house**  
**I need to get**

**Even**   
**Sure! I’ll be home all**  
**day.**

**Sonja**   
**Oh, okay. Is**  
**it okay if I come in**  
**an hour then?**

**Even**   
**Yeah**

-

An hour later the doorbell rings. Even is on his third episode of the Bake off and is torturing himself by looking at pictures of Isak on his computer. With a sigh he puts the laptop on coffee table and gets up from the couch.

“Hey,”

Sonja is smiling sweetly. She looks nice, dressed in a coat Even has never seen.

“Hi,” Even mumbles and takes a step back to let her in.

“How are you?” she asks and looks him up and down, taking in his all grey attire with sweatpants and a hoodie.

“Fine,” he says.

“You don’t have to lie to me,” she says. “I still care about you even if we are broken up. Is it because of us?”

Even shakes his head.

“No it’s not about us.”

He follows her into his room and sinks down on the bed, watching her collect all her things.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.

“Not really,” Even says.

“Is it about Isak?” Sonja asks softly.

“Why would it be about him?” Even lies.

Sonja smiles and walks across the room to sit down next to him.

“I know you, Even. When I saw him on your computer the other day and you told me about him I got it. I’m not stupid. He’s more than a friend to you, right?”

Even closes his eyes.

“Yeah,” he says. “But it doesn’t matter now anyway because I screwed everything up. I hurt him really badly and now he refuses to talk to me. I’m so worried about him and I just wish he would talk to me.”

“I never understood why you loved him so much,” Sonja says. “I never understood how important he was in your life. But deep down I think I always knew that you loved him so much because you were in love with him.”

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“It’s fine, Even. You don’t have to apologise for who you are in love with. I knew you loved me too. Maybe not as much or as deep. But we were happy together.”

He looks at her, smiling thankfully.

“We were. And I did love you, Sonja. So much.”

“I know,” she says. “I know. And I loved you too. You were my first love and I’ll always be thankful and happy to have been your girlfriend. Even if things weren’t as good towards the end.”

“Yeah… me too,” Even says.

“So what about Isak?” Sonja says.

“I can’t talk about it,” Even sighs. “I just fucked him over. He trusted me and I lied to him about something. I thought I was doing the right thing but I just ended up hurting him in the worst way possible. We were just starting to become close again and it felt so amazing to have him back. I felt less lonely and more happy than I have been feeling in a while. But now all of that is gone. He’ll never forgive me and I don’t blame him.”

Sonja puts her chin on his shoulder and squeezes his hand.

“You are being too hard on yourself,” she says. “You said you did what you thought was best, right? So you never hurt him on purpose?”

Even shakes his head.

“It doesn’t matter. I always hurt the people I love. You, him, Mikael and the boys, mum and dad.”

“You’ve not hurt us,” Sonja says. “At least not in the way you think and not in a way that doesn’t deserve forgiveness. No one would think that.”

“You don’t know Isak,” Even mumbles. “You didn't see how sad and betrayed he looked. He doesn’t trust people easily-”

“But he always trusted you and he always looked up to you,” Sonja smiles. “That is not going to change. I promise you. Whatever you did, he will forgive you. I know he will.”

Even can’t bring himself to say anything.

“I know because he’s in love with you, Even,” Sonja says. “He has always been in love with you just like you have always been in love with him.”

“What?” Even says and gives her a confused look.

“When you were kids. He was just as in love with you as you were in him. Which is why I always felt so self-conscious whenever he was around. I could see the way he looked at you and I knew he was in love with you. It’s not easy seeing someone look at your boyfriend like that. Not when you are a young 15-year-old. Not when your boyfriend looks at that someone the same way. He was always in love with you and it was painfully obvious. He knew that I knew. Elias and the others knew. Your parents probably knew. Everyone but you knew.”

“Shit,” Even mumbles.

“I never thought you’d get over him even after you two stopped hanging out and lost contact. And when I saw your photos of him I knew your feelings never really went away.”

“I loved you, though,” Even says hurriedly. “I always loved you.”

“I know,” she says.

“This is so messed up,” Even says and buries his head in his hands. “I don’t know how to fix this, Sonja…”

“It will be okay, Even. Isak just needs time and you need to forgive yourself. You can’t go around hating yourself for everything. It won’t change anything and it won’t make Isak feel less hurt. Just let him know that you are sorry and give him time. Let him know you are there for him. It will be okay. He’ll come around.”

“Fuck Sonja, I’m so sorry about this. You shouldn’t be here comforting me about this when I broke up with you a week ago.”

She lets out a half-hearted laugh.

“Way to rub it in,” she jokes. “But honestly Even, I’m okay. I want you to be okay too. And I want you to be happy.”

“Thank you, Sonja,” Even says. “For everything.”

-

He goes to school on Wednesday, much to his parents’ happiness. He doesn’t exactly feel like going but he figures moping around in his room won’t make Isak reply to his texts faster. Maybe Isak will even be in school.

It feels like people are looking at him as he walks across the yard, but Even realises that the only people that are looking are Vilde and Eva and the other girl from Friday. Vilde follows him with her eyes from the moment he enters the yard to the moment he enters the school building.

“Hey man, you’re back,” Nils exclaims once he spots Even sitting in the classroom when he walks in. “Feeling any better?”

“Uhm, yeah, thanks,” Even lies, thinking he doesn’t feel any better.

His heart is still bleeding and he is still worried sick about Isak.

“I hate being ill,” Nils says. “But you didn’t miss much. I can send you notes if you want me to. I’m sure Erik can too.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Even says absentmindedly as he reads through the conversation with Isak for the 20th time. All the sorry’s he has sent over the last few days stare back at him, the last one sent this morning.

Reluctantly he sits down with NIls at lunch, soon they are joined by Simon and Erik. He knows that Isak won’t show up today. The others engage in the conversation but he can’t help but cast glances towards the door ever so often. In case Isak walks in.

“He’s not been in school all week,” Nils says when they are walking to class again, Simon and Erik trailing slightly behind.

“Who?” Even asks.

“Isak of course,” Nils smiles. “I know how much you care about him. We all do by the way.”

“Oh…” Even says, wondering if they think he and Isak are dating.

“We realised that he was more than just a childhood friend a long time ago. I’m sorry for the things we said about him,” Nils continues.

-

He runs into Sana in between classes. She is standing by her locker, changing books.

“Hey,” he says as he walks over to her.

“Hi,” she says.

“Have you seen Isak?” he asks.

She shakes her head.

“He’s not been in school the whole week.”

“Okay,” Even says. “I’ve been trying to text him but he’s not answering. I’m worried about him.”

“I’ll text him and see,” she says. “But don’t worry, Even, I’m sure it will be okay.”

“I feel so stupid though,” Even sighs. “I shouldn’t have asked you if he could come and I shouldn’t have lied to him about it either.”

“Why did you?” Sana asks softly.

Even shrugs.

“I don’t know. I knew he would never come if I told him about it but I knew how much he needed his friends. I guess I thought I could just make it a happy intervention or something. But that backfired.”

“Yeah,” Sana agrees. “But I didn’t tell anybody either. I knew they’d react badly.”

“Why did you say yes then?” Even asks surprised.

“Because I’m tired of everyone’s bullshit,” Sana says. “Like everyone pretending they never were friends. Like I said Isak did some bad things but you made me realise that it’s not all he is. I’ve been working with him in Biology and I can tell how much happier he has been since you came around. It might not be much but with Isak’s standards it is huge.”

“I just feel like I made things worse,” Even says. “With your friends. And now Isak won’t talk to me.”

“Oh, Vilde?” Sana says. “She can be a little intense but she is a loyal friend. To Eva mostly because she is the one Isak hurt the most. When she gets upset she says a lot of things. I wouldn’t worry too much about the others. Eva was a little hurt and a little taken aback but Chris was just confused. I think the same goes for Mahdi and Magnus. Jonas I don’t know.”  
Sana pauses and gives him a comforting smile.

“He’s going to talk to you again,” she says. “He’s just hurting right now which is understandable. He just needs some time.”

“I hope so,” he says.

-

**Even**   
**Have you heard from**  
**him yet?**

**Sana**   
**No. I asked him about**  
**our biology assignment**  
**but he’s not read it yet.**  
**He’s not been active for**  
**16 hours.**

-  
  
Isak doesn’t come to school on Thursday or Friday either. He has decided to give Isak some time and the conversations with Sana and Sonja have calmed him down slightly. Much to Even’s surprise Jonas decides to approach him after lunch.

“Have you talked to Isak?” he says.

“Uh, no not since Friday,” Even sighs. “I’m trying to give him some time, why?”

Jonas looks around the corridor impatiently.

“Can we talk somewhere?” he asks.

“Yeah, sure,” Even says.

They end up walking outside and Even follows Jonas’ lead until they reach one of the benches in the yard. Jonas sits down on the table and Even sits down next to him and stretches his legs in front of him.

“So you haven’t heard from him at all?” Jonas says.

Even shakes his head.

“Not since Friday night. I’ve tried to reach out to him but he won’t reply to my texts or answer the phone,” he sighs.

Jonas nods.

“Fuck,” he mutters and rubs his face in his hands.

“What’s going on?” Even asks worriedly.

“I’m not sure I should be talking to you about it. Isak will kill me if he finds out but I’m worried about him and he wouldn’t listen to me. But you and him are friends now…”

“What?” Even says again. “What’s going on with Isak?”

“You know what today is, right?” Jonas says and looks at Even with a sad expression on his face.

“No?” Even says, confused.

“The anniversary of Lea’s death?” Jonas says.

Lea is dead? How can Even not know about this? How long has she been dead? How did she die? Do Even’s parents know she is dead but have not told him? Is that why Isak is so sad all the time?

“You didn’t know?” Jonas says.

“No, I didn’t,” Even says as he fights against tears as he remembers Isak’s sweet and innocent little sister. “Isak didn’t say anything.”

“Fuck,” Jonas repeats. “I thought you knew. But yeah, she died a year ago.”

“How?” is all Even can manage.

“It was an accident. She was playing with a friend at home. Isak and Marianne were there too. Anyway, they had some candy and they were running around, chasing each other and then she tripped and the piece of candy got stuck in her throat. Marianne was panicking and didn’t know what to do. Isak was in his room but he couldn’t do anything either. She choked…”

“Shit,” Even says.

“Yeah, Isak took her death really hard. They all did. And Marianne never really recovered either. It’s like everything fell apart after that. I wish I could have helped him but I couldn’t. When she died he started acting out. Terje and Marianne were dealing with their own grief and sometimes I think they couldn’t focus on him too. He was all alone with that pain and couldn’t let anyone in. He got more reckless and drunk a lot and smoked a lot. Then in the middle of everything he kissed me when we were both really drunk and it only made things worse. I didn’t have the best reaction at first, I think he felt hurt and ashamed because after that he just pulled away from me. Then I found out he tried to break up me and Eva on purpose. It just didn’t make sense at all. I was hurt that he would do something like that to us. We were both his friends. But I tried to look past it and forgive him since everything in his life had been turned upside down but it was just the tip of the iceberg, you know?

After that he became even more distanced and when I tried to be there for him he just shut me out completely. No matter what I did he pushed me away. He was mean and said hurtful things. He got into arguments with everybody. He started going out more to different parties and got into fights with people from other schools. He even tried speed a few times even if I tried to stop him. I tried to be there for him despite everything but he just closed in on himself even more. Everyone that tried to help got pushed away and he hurt everyone that tried to get close to him again. Then he owed these guys some money for weed and drugs and he couldn’t pay it back. So these guys jumped me and beat me up pretty badly. Isak didn’t do anything about it. It was like he never even cared or was too scared to get into trouble to say anything to the police about it. He didn’t even help me afterwards. He got into a lot of fights after that which led into a lot of trouble. Once this guy William who was also the boyfriend of Eva’s friend Noora smashed a bottle on a guy’s head and everything was such a mess. I know that wasn’t really Isak’s fault but all these things happened because he made them happen. It’s like he was a completely different person all of a sudden. Cold and mean.

I tried to be there for him, Even. I really did. I knew how messed up he was. I know he was hurting. But that doesn’t make his words any less painful. It doesn’t mean I’m not hurting because of the things that happened. And it wasn’t just me. It was everyone else too. We all tried to help but we couldn’t do it in the end. We stopped trying because it was better that way. We just stopped talking altogether and I didn’t even see him during summer. I spent so much time worrying about him, wondering if I should reach out again. Just try one more time. But it felt like it was already too late, you know? Even before summer Isak had spent the last month of school alone. It was easier then because we were all angry and hurt. Isak wasn’t even my best friend anymore, so why should I try? It’s like he never even cared about any of us anymore. Like we meant nothing. He didn’t care about what people were saying or the rumours that went by. He didn’t care about anything.

Then school started again and he kept to himself like that’s how it had always been. When I looked at him I could barely recognise him because he had changed so much. Over summer he had just gotten colder and more distant. He wouldn’t even look at any of us. But then you showed up. And you started hanging out with him again and even if he was cold and angry at first he slowly let down his guard around you. It’s like he let you in because you tried enough times. You were patient and you refused to give up even when people said all those bad things about him. You saw through his anger when I couldn’t. You pushed through when I gave up. I did my best. That’s what I keep telling myself but I realise I should have tried harder… ”

Even listens in complete silence, hearing the story told from Jonas’ perspective and a little more coherent than when Isak had been shouting across the very same yard. He feels a little numb as Jonas goes quiet and dries the tears with the back of his hand. Even can’t come up with anything to say. He’s still trying to process Lea’s death all while getting all this new information from Jonas. It’s overwhelming. His chest hurts as he thinks about Isak losing Lea and how lost he must have been. Not even Isak’s own parents had been there for him. He can see how guilty Jonas feels, despite getting hurt over and over again. He knows it through the way Jonas tries to justify his actions even if there is nothing to justify. In the way there is nothing hateful in the way Jonas speaks about Isak despite the amount of times he has been burned.

“It’s not your fault,” Even says.

“I don’t know,” Jonas says sadly. “Sometimes all I can think about is how lonely he was. We all had each other but he didn’t have anyone after that. He was completely alone, dealing with so much pain that he kept inside and never let anyone see. I don’t even know what he did this summer. I don’t know the slightest thing about his life anymore. I wish I was strong enough to walk up to him but part of me is too scared I’ll just end up hurt again. But I don’t want him to go through this alone. No one deserves that.”

Even shakes his head.

“I can’t believe Lea is dead,” he mumbles. “Isak must be devastated.”

“I’d try to reach out to him but he wouldn’t reply to my texts. I know it…” Jonas says. “He wouldn’t reply to any of our texts…”

“After Friday he won’t want to talk to me either” Even says. “I really messed everything up when I tried to bring him over to that meeting.”

Jonas nods slowly.

“I just wanted to make things good again,” Even mumbles. “I thought I could make things better but I only ended up making things worse and now Isak doesn’t trust me. He probably even hates me for lying to him.”

“He doesn’t hate you…” Jonas says. “He would never hate you, Even.”

“I’ve tried calling and texting every day,” Even says.

“He always pushes people away when he is hurting,” Jonas says. “You know that.”

Even nods, he knows that.

“I’m just scared that he is going to get himself into trouble,” Jonas continues. “That he is going to do something reckless because he is hurting and feels lonely. He’s done it before.”

“Could we try his house?” Even asks.

Jonas shrugs.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure he would even be at home. When things are bad at home he usually stays away. I can imagine things are rough right now.”

“But where does he go?” Even says and can’t help but imagine Isak not wanting to go home but having nowhere to go. Just like Isak had told him the other week.

“I don’t know, Even,” Jonas says. “I think he just wanders around and when it gets too late he goes back home again. I’m just saying I don’t think he will be home much. But if he didn’t come home at night I think Terje would probably notice. He is not the greatest dad but he loves and cares about Isak. Marianne does too of course.”

“So what do we do then?” Even asks.

-

He decides to go home because he knows he won’t be able to concentrate anyway and as soon as he is on the tram on his way home he brings up his phone again.

**Even**   
**Jonas told me about**  
**Lea. I know he**  
**shouldn’t have and I**  
**know you are still**  
**angry. But I’m so fucking**  
**worried about you. I just**  
**want you to know that I’m**  
**here for you. You are not alone.**

**Even**   
**Are you home?**

**Even**   
**Please talk to me Isak!**  
**I’m calling you. Just please**  
**pick up!**

His fingers shake as he types and his heart is hammering in his chest as he presses the phone to his ear. He waits until the call goes to voicemail before he hangs up and calls again. At least he knows at Isak’s phone is on. After the third attempt he gives up and angrily throws the phone into his pocket. The restlessness doesn’t go away as he gets home. He tries to call Isak one more time before he gives up. He tries to convince himself that things might be okay. That Isak just needs time alone and be with his family but deep down he knows just how dysfunctional Isak’s family is and that Isak’s parents have never been a source of comfort for Isak, even when they were kids. But Isak clearly doesn’t want him around either.

It’s a little after four when he receives a text. Even has long ago given up on Isak texting him back and he expects it to be either his parents or Sonja telling him she forgot something and needs to come over again. Even has not even been able to bring himself to go over to her to see it he have something at her place. It’s probably just a few items of clothes anyway. He’ll let her do whatever she wants with it. Even sits up on the couch and reaches for his phone on the livingroom table.

**Unknown**   
**Hey Even, this is**  
**Jonas. Sana gave**  
**me your number.**  
**I went to Isak’s house**  
**on my way home. Terje**  
**said Isak wasn’t at home.**  
**Apparently Marianne had**  
**a little meltdown when they**  
**were visiting the the grave.**  
**It made Isak upset.**

Even saves Jonas’ number in his contacts and quickly types an answer.

**Even**   
**Oh fuck.He didn’t say**  
**where Isak might be?**  
**He really shouldn’t be alone**  
**right now.**

**Jonas**   
**I don’t know. Terje was too busy**  
**trying to sort everything out with**  
**Marianne to be really focused on**  
**Isak. I don’t know it’s so fucking**  
**messed up. How can he not be**  
**more worried?**

**Even**   
**I need to wait for**  
**my parents to get home**  
**but I could probably borrow**  
**the car. Do you want me to**  
**pick you up or? Do you want me**  
**to go looking for him myself?**  
**If it’s too hard for you I unders**  
**tand that. I’m just really thankful**  
**you told me and that you went to**  
**his house.**

**Jonas**   
**No, of course I’ll come with**  
**you. Just let me know when you are**  
**ready to leave. I’ll be home. And I’ll**  
**text you the address.**

**-**

“Why didn’t you tell me Lea was dead?” Even demands as soon as his dad comes home from work.

He’s been waiting impatiently for his dad to come home ever since he received that text from Jonas and the 45 minutes feel more like a decade than less than an hour. It’s just the more they wait the longer it will take for them to find Isak. If they even find him that is. Isak could be anywhere.

“What are you talking about?” Anders says as he takes off his shoes.

“Did you know she had died?” Even asks.

His dad doesn’t say anything but the silence tells Even enough.

“How could you not tell me about this?” he shouts.

“Even please,” his dad starts. “I’ll answer all your questions. Just let me change and I’ll be in the living room.”

His dad disappears into the master bedroom and Even waits for him in the living room. He feels absolutely livid at his parents for not telling him. If he had known sooner so much would have changed. Most of all Isak wouldn’t have to deal with this alone. Five minutes later Anders sits down in the living room, having changed out of his shirt and tie and put on an old t-shirt.

“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you earlier,” he begins. “We should have told you.”

  
“Yeah you should have,” Even says angrily.

“Even,” his dad says sternly.

“Well you can’t blame me for being angry about this,” Even continues. “This is not some small thing. She is dead. The daughter of one of your best friends. Isak’s sister.”

“I know,” Ander says sadly. “I’m sorry. Just hear me out, okay?”

Even nods reluctantly.

“It was during your episode. The really bad one. You know we hadn’t been in contact with Terje and Marianne for several years. But then I heard about it and mum and I was devastated of course. It wa such a tragedy. But you were in a really bad place and you didn’t need any more bad news. We were worried about your health and that’s why we kept it from you. We did it because we thought it was for the best. We even spoke to your psychiatrist and she agreed that it was better to wait until you were better But even then we didn’t know how to tell you. We were scared that you would get worse again and things had just started to stabilise. You were doing better and were starting to function again.”

“So you didn’t tell me because you thought I was weak?” Even says dejectedly.

“No, Even!” his dad says. “You are the strongest person we know and mum and I are so proud of you for everything. It was wrong not to tell you. It really was and I’m so sorry you had to find out now when it-”

“It’s been a year,” Even fills in. “Did you know it’s been a year today?”

Anders shakes his head and covers his face with his hands. He looks sad.

“How did you find out?” he says and looks at Even tiredly.

“Jonas,” Even says as if his dad will immediately know who that is. “Isak’s friend.”

“Oh,” Ander says. “Are you hanging out with him?”

Even shakes his head.

“Not really…”

“But he told you about Lea? I’m confused, Even.”

Even sighs. He has no idea where to begin. But he’s felt so overwhelmed this whole week and he just feels so exhausted. Lea is dead and Isak is out there somewhere, completely alone, dealing with all his pain, not only from Even’s betrayal but also from the loss of his sister and probably because things are horrible at home too. He’s scared of what Isak might do, that he is going to put himself in danger like Jonas had suggested. He’s worried because he doesn’t even know where Isak is and he doesn’t have time for this right now. He just needs to make sure Isak is okay.

“It doesn’t matter,” he says. “I’ll explain everything later but there are a few things I need to do first. It’s really important and I really need to borrow the car.”

“Okay, Even,” his dad says confused.

“I need you to trust me. I’m not being manic right now. I know it doesn’t make sense right now but I really need you to trust me on this,” Even says desperately though he knows very well that saying he is not manic is probably not the most convincing way to go.

“Yeah of course, I trust you.”

-

30 minutes later he picks Jonas up from outside his house. It’s started to rain and Jonas pulls up his hoodie once he steps outside and half runs towards the car.

“Fuck,” he mutters as he closes the car door and sinks into the seat. “It’s freezing outside.”

Even nods through clenched teeth as he begins to drive.

“Where do we even start?” he asks, already feeling defeated.

“I don’t know,” Jonas says. “But Terje said he would call me if Isak came home but he was also trying to get Marianne to the hospital. So I don’t know.”

“That’s so fucking wrong,” Even says, eyes not leaving the road. “Not that Marianne is sick and might need care but that Isak gets in the middle of it all, and that his parents are so caught up with themselves to give a fuck.”

In the corner of his eyes he can see Jonas nod.

“Mangus and Mahdi said they could help too,” he says.

“Okay…” Even says.

“We’ll find him,” Jonas says. “It will be fine.”

-

An hour later they have covered the neighbourhood, the cemetery and the area around Nissen but so far Isak has been nowhere to be seen. Jonas has kept dialing Isak’s number, using Isak’s phone over and over again. So far neither them nor Magnus and Mahdi have had any luck but at least it has stopped raining.

“I should just get you home again,” Even says, sadly.

Jonas doesn’t say anything but Even can tell he is giving up too. Then Even’s phone is ringing.

“It’s him,” Jonas says. “It’s Isak. I’ll put it on speaker.”

“Isak!” Even starts as soon as Jonas accepts the call and puts the speakers on. “Are you okay? Where are you?”

For a moment Isak doesn’t say anything and Even is scared he has hung up again. He casts a quick glance at Jonas who looks just as worried as Even feels.

“Isak are you there?” he repeats.

“Yeah…” Isak says weakly. “Can you come?”

It sounds like Isak is crying and the sounds of his hitched breaths are heartbreaking.

“Of course, where are you?” Even says. “Just tell me where you are and I’ll be there.”

“Cemetery,” Isak says, barely audible.

“Okay, I’ll be there real soon okay. Don’t go anywhere. Do you want to keep talking?”

“No…” Isak says. “Just come, please.”

-

“I’ll wait here,” Jonas says firmly as Even parks the car by the cemetery. “It’s probably for the best. He’ll be upset and I’ll just make him overwhelmed.”

“Okay,” Even says.

He walks across the cemetery with quick steps, trying not to freak out internally even if being here makes him anxious. He needs to be calm for Isak. Isak is on his knees in the wet grass in front of Lea’s grave. His head is bowed and his shoulders hunched over and his whole body looked crumbled on the ground. As Even gets closer he realises that Isak is either crying or shivering from the cold. Hesitantly he approaches Isak until he is standing just next to him.

“Hi…” he says calmly.

“Hi,” Isak says hoarsely and he sounds so broken. Like he doesn't have anything left inside him.

Even slowly crouches next to Isak as if Isak is a scared animal who will run away at any sudden movement. Luckily Isak remains seated and barely reacts to Even’s movement. Carefully Even places his hand on Isak’s shoulder, feeling the tense and rigid muscles under his hand. Isak lets him but his whole body is still tense and keeps shaking.

“It’s okay,” Even says. “You are not alone.”

“I miss her so much,” Isak whispers.

“I know Isak, I know.”

Even rests his other hand on Isak’s other shoulder and squeezes them both gently. Then he notices was Isak is looking at. A framed picture next to the lit candles and fresh flowers, of Lea, Marianne and Terje sitting together on a boat, Marianne hugging her daughter tightly and Terje smiling happily into the camera. Lea looks sweet in her summer dress and bright orange life jacket, blond curls flowing in the wind.

“It’s mum’s favourite picture,” Isak says. “I’m not in it.”

Even can feel his heart break for Isak completely. He can’t imagine how awful that must feel to see that particular picture on top of everything else.

“I know it’ stupid. It’s just a picture, right? But I look at it and how happy they all look and how much mum loves Lea. Dad tried to make her choose another picture with all of us but she refused and got really upset and agitated…it just makes me feel lonely. I’m not even in the picture my mum wanted to use for my sister’s memorial.”

“It’s not stupid, Isak…” Even says.

Isak shakes his head and lets out a sob.

“I just know they would be better off if she was alive and I was dead. Sometimes I think that they are thinking it too. That it would be better if I was dead instead. I know dad blames me for her death. He’s never said it out loud but I know he’s thinking it. If I had just looked out for her better I could have saved her and mum would be better. It’s my fault. I know they will never love me as much as they love her because it’s like they never even care about me half the time. I’ve barely been home for over a week and I don’t think either of them has noticed or even cared. They don’t need me, no one does. I have no one and I feel so fucking lonely and it hurts to breathe when I think about how I’m all alone and that no one loves me. No one will ever need me or miss me.”

Isak is full on sobbing when he stops talking and he is shaking violently. Even takes him in his arms and hugs him from behind. Isak is completely ice cold in his arms and it is as if Even’s touch makes him crumble completely. Even holds him as he cries, wrapping his arms around Isak’s frame tighter when Isak threatens to collapse forward.

“I’m here,” Even says and rests his chin on Isak’s shoulder. “You are not alone and I care about you so much.”

Eventually Isak relaxes in his arms and his sobs die down.

“I don’t deserve you;” Isak says. “I’ve treated you horribly all this time. You should just leave.”

“I’m not going to leave,” Even promises.

“Thank you…” Isak says, barely audible.

They sit together in front of Lea’s grave for another five minutes in silence. Isak keeps crying silently and Even allows his own tears to fall. All day he’s been too busy worrying about Isak to allow himself to feel anything but now that he has Isak safe in his arms he can’t hold them back.

“You ready to leave?” Even asks eventually and squeezes Isak’s shoulder and rubs Isak’s back. “You are really cold. We should get you home.”

“I can’t go home,” Isak says shaking his head. “I can’t, Even.”

“We’ll go to my place, okay?” Even says. “It will be okay.”

Isak doesn’t look convinced but he nods and lets Even help him stand up on shaky legs. Even suddenly remembers Jonas’ words about Isak getting himself into trouble.

“Are you hurt anywhere?” he asks worriedly, feeling a flush of relief as Isak shakes his head.

“Okay good,” Even says.

He barely trusts Isak to walk by himself and keeps a steadying arm around Isak’s waist. As soon as they reach the car Isak tenses up when he spots Jonas.

“It’s okay,” Even says. “He helped me look for you. We’ve all been looking for you. We’ve all been so worried about you.”

Isak lets out another sob just as Jonas gets out of the car. He looks at Isak worriedly but doesn’t say anything. He just helps usher Isak inside the car and then takes a seat in the back.

-

Isak is pale and shivering by the time they arrive back at Even’s apartment. He looks absolutely exhausted, as if he hasn’t slept in a week. Both him and Jonas help him up the stairs and Isak lets them. Even’s parents look shocked and confused as the three of them step inside but Even firmly shakes his head to keep them from asking any questions or ambushing Isak. They look at each other and then back at Isak, undoubtedly taking in his pale skin and his tear streaked cheeks. It’s almost like Isak doesn’t even notice them at all but he lets Even take off his drenched coat and shoes, before Even takes him to the bedroom.

“Do you want a shower?” Even asks gently.

Isak shrugs indifferently.

“You are ice cold,” Even points out gently. “It will make you feel better. You can borrow some clothes.”

“Yeah, okay,” Isak agrees.

Even brings out his softest and warmest clothes and a fresh towel for Isak to use.

“Let me know if you need anything, okay?” he says as he stands in the doorway to the bathroom.

Isak nods.

“Thank you Even,” he says just as Even is about to close the door. “For everything.”

Isak stays in the shower for half an hour. In the meantime Even’s dad drives Jonas back home and Even and his mum change the sheets in Even’s bed.

“I won’t ask any questions right now, Even, but as soon as Isak is asleep I want answers.”

Once Isak is done in the shower Even’s bed is freshly made with Even’s extra warm duvet and Even’s mum has made some hot chocolate with whipped cream. Isak looks a little overwhelmed and Even’s mum is tactful enough to retreat into the living room, leaving Even and Isak alone in the kitchen.

“Where is Jonas?” Isak asks.

“He went home,” Even says gently. “My dad drove him. Also called your dad to let him know you are here.”

  
Isak just nods.

“Do you want to eat?” Even asks. “I can make us some cheese toasties.”

Isak shakes his head.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Okay,” Even nods. “At least drink the hot chocolate. It will help warm you up. We can take it to my room if you want to.”

“Yeah, okay,” Isak says.

They drink the hot chocolate in silence. Isak sits in the bed wrapped up in the duvet and another one of Even’s hoodies since the other one his drying in the bathroom. Even keeps looking at him, grateful that Isak is here and not running around in town getting himself into all sorts of trouble. He’s thankful that Isak reached out to him but he knows that they still need to talk. Even if Isak asked for him now at this moment Even is not sure Isak is ready to just forget what happened a week ago and Even doesn’t expect him to. But that is not important right now, the important thing is making sure Isak is alright.

“Are you tired?” Even asks once they have finished their hot chocolates.

Isak nods.

“Want to go to sleep?”

“I don’t think I can,” Isak says tiredly. “I’m exhausted but I can’t fall asleep. My mind is always racing. I’ve barely slept all week.”

“Just try,” Even says calmly. “If you can’t we’ll figure it out, okay. It’s going to be okay.”

“Can you stay here with me?” Isak beggs.

“Yeah of course,” Even says. “I’ll sit here until you are asleep.”

“No I don’t want to be alone,” Isak says quietly. “Please don’t leave. Can’t you just lie here next to me.”

“Yeah of course,” Even says. “Of course,”

He takes off his jeans and changes into another shirt before he crawls underneath the sheets and lies down next to Isak.

“Can you hold me?” Isak whispers. “Please?”

Even doesn’t say anything as he settles behind Isak and hugs him from behind. He allows Isak to sink into his arms and presses his nose into Isak’s hair. Instantly he can feel Isak relax.

“Talk to me,” Isak says and lets out a shaky breath and Even can tell he is on the brink of tears again.

“Okay,” Even says. “Do you remember when we were on holiday in Sweden and those dumb girls hung out with us…”

He talks and talks and talks. He doesn’t know for how long they lie there, Isak’s back pressed against Even’s chest but eventually Isak’s breaths become slower and slower until he is fast asleep in Even’s arms.

-

_Age 13 and 15_

_“Do you remember Sonja?”_

_Even has invited Isak over for pizza and movie night. Isak is sprawled out on the other end of the couch, his eyes never leaving the tv._

_“What about her?”_

_Even feels nervous. So, so nervous. He’s not told Isak about Sonja yet despite it being a month since they got together. It makes him feel guilty. Isak is his best friend. He should have been the first Even ever told but instead it had been Mikael, then Elias and Yousef and even his parents._

_They have been seeing each other even less in the last six months but Even still feels guilty for not telling Isak sooner. He should have just called or texted but he’s not found the courage to do so. It shouldn’t be a big deal, right? Telling your best friend that you have a girlfriend. But for some reason it is hard, and it is a big deal. After all Even has been in love with Isak for almost three years and it’s only now that he’s been going out with Sonja that his feelings are starting to disappear. At least that’s what he tells himself when he kisses Sonja or when they go out on dates. Sonja is perfect in every way. She is funny and headstrong and beautiful, and Even is in love with her. Still he’s scared to tell Isak._

_“She and I are dating,”_

_Isak looks at him but for a couple of seconds he doesn’t say anything._

_“Oh…” he says then. “That’s really cool.”_

_“It is?” Even is not sure he is relieved or not._

_Isak smiles, looks him straight in the eyes._

_“Yeah, of course, I’m really happy for you.”_

_-_

_Sonja meeting Isak for the first time doesn’t exactly go according to plan. She’s already met the boys on numerous occasions since they all go to the same school and now she’s hanging out with them a lot more. She gets along with everyone and therefore Even expects her to get along with Isak just fine too. But that is not what happens. They meet at Kaffebrenneriet for a coffee. Even and Sonja sit on one side of the table, Even’s arm wrapped around Sonja’s waist. Isak sits on the other side of the table, clutching his hot chocolate with both hands. He doesn’t say much, barely looks up or engages in the conversation._

_Sonja is annoyed. Even can tell even if she is not saying anything. She’s smiling politely the whole time but her smile is tense and fake. Isak doesn’t even try and Even feels caught in the middle of them._

_“How is Jonas?” Even asks. “I’ve not seen him in a while.”_

_“Probably busy with Ingrid,” Isak sighs._

_“Who is Ingrid?” Sonja asks._

_“His girlfriend,” Isak mutters and looks down again._

_Ten minutes later he and Sonja leave. Sonja takes his hand when they walk out of the door to the cafe._

_“That went...well” she starts “Is he always that quiet?_

_“No,” Even says. “I don’t know what’s up with him. He’s usually a lot more talkative and fun to be around, I promise.”_

_“Wanna go back to my place?” Sonja asks._

_Even nods, watching Isak through the huge windows. He’s still sitting where Even and Sonja left him, not making an attempt to leave, despite having finished his hot chocolate a while ago. Even turns his attention back to Sonja. She is smiling warmly towards him._

_“Sounds perfect,” he says._

_Sonja kisses his cheek as they begin walking down the street towards the tram hand in hand._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter!

_Age 14 and 16_

_“I think I’ll go home,” Isak announces._

_Even looks up from kissing Sonja and straightens up slightly. They are only halfway through the second movie of their Star Wars marathon with Even’s friends and Sonja and Even can feel the disappointment as Isak stands up from the couch._

_“Already?” Even says. “Why?”_

_“Because I’m really tired,” Isak says defensively._

_“Yeah but we only just started,” Even tries, feeling Sonja’s hand on his arm as he tries to stand up to follow Isak._

_“Let him go home if he wants to,” she says. “It’s his choice.”_

_“Yeah but…” Even says. “You could always take a nap. We are bound to all fall asleep at some point…”_

_Isak looks conflicted for a while and looks between all of them. But then he shakes his head._

_“No, I’ll just go home, sorry.”_

_Even makes himself free from Sonja’s grasp and follow Isak into the hallway, watching Isak put on his shoes and jacket in silence._

_He wants to ask Isak what is wrong but for some reason he doesn’t. It’s been so long since they last hung out and he knows it is not ideal to have both the boys and Sonja there as well, but he still wishes Isak would put up more of an effort._

_“Good night,” is all he says, not even a hug as he lets Isak out._

_“Goodbye,” Isak says._

_It’s the last time they see each other in person in three years. When they do see each other next everything will have changed. When Even sees Isak next he will be angry and mean, the smile Even used to love will be all gone. When they see each other again Even will see Isak’s pain and sadness and he will do anything to make Isak happy again._

_-_

Isak sleeps all morning and Even spends the majority of the time sitting in his bed next to Isak, watching over him. He finishes a couple of assignments on his computer to make up for the days he missed in school and watches a movie with his headphones on. He is reluctant to leave Isak alone, even if it is just to use the restroom. Isak looks peaceful but still worn out where he lies, curled up on his stomach, one knee drawn to his chest. He is glad that Isak is sleeping soundly because during the night Isak had kept waking up and being restless and while Even had managed to calm him down he is relieved that Isak is finally calm.

**Jonas**   
**Hey, how is Isak?**   
**Can I come by later?**   
**Or now? I’d like to see him.**

Even checks the time and notices it is past noon. Isak has been asleep for over 16 hours and he should probably wake him up soon so that Isak can eat something.

**Even**   
**He’s still asleep.**   
**But you can come by**   
**if you want to. I’ll try**   
**to wake him up soon**   
**to get him to eat something!**

**Jonas**   
**Oh. He must be**   
**exhausted. I’ll just**   
**eat something and**   
**come by after that if**   
**that’s okay? I don’t**   
**want to make him**   
**uncomfortable but I**   
**really want to talk to him.**

**Even**   
**Yeah. We’ll see I guess.**   
**Maybe he’ll be okay with**   
**that.**

Even puts his phone away and closes his laptop. From outside of the room Even can hear his parents move around in the kitchen. He knows they are anxiously waiting for Isak to wake up.

As soon as Even was sure Isak wouldn’t wake up if he moved he had carefully slipped out of the bed and tippy toed out of the room, closing the door behind him so Isak would not wake up. By that time his dad was home again and both his parents were waiting for him in the living room. He had told them everything. From seeing Isak on the first day to how he had slowly befriended Isak again and they had come closer and closer until Even had let Isak down a week before. His parents had seemed confused to why Even had not told them about Isak before but overall they had been understanding about the whole situation and promised that they wouldn’t overwhelm Isak when he woke up in the morning. After that Even had brushed his teeth and returned to his bedroom where he had lied down next to Isak again.

He reaches out and touches Isak’s shoulder and shakes him awake. Isak slowly stirs to life, looking confused before he realises where he is. Slowly he turns around to his back and looks at Even with tired eyes.

“Hey…” he mutters.

“Hi…” Even says. “How are you feeling?”

Isak sighs.

“What time is it?” he asks.

“12:30,” Even says with a smile. “You have slept the whole morning.”

“Shit,” Isak says. “I should probably go home then. I’m sorry for staying here so long and for calling you despite not answering any of your texts before.”

“Hey, it’s fine,” Even reassures him. “You don’t have to go anywhere. Jonas talked to your dad and he knows you are here. You can just stay here for a little while and chill. Actually I was going to ask you if you were hungry?”

“Oh…” Isak says quietly.

“Do you want to eat?” Even says. “I could bring you something from the kitchen. Mum has probably made something for lunch by now.”

“Maybe,” Isak says. “Your parents are home?”

He looks conflicted, like the thought of possibly meeting Even’s parents again is scary but that he is getting too overwhelmed by the idea of staying in Even’s bedroom this whole time.

“Yeah but I’ve told them not to bother you. They will stay out of your way if you want to eat in the kitchen. But I think they’d be happy to see you. They were worried about you last night.”

“Can I just stay here?” Isak asks and fiddles with the hem of his sleeve nervously.

“Of course,” Even says. “I’ll be right back, okay.”

-

Just like he expected both his parents are waiting in the kitchen and his mum has made carrot soup for lunch. Even suspects it isn’t a coincidence that she has chosen to cook this particular soup when she knows Isak is in the house. In addition his dad has made his famous bread.

“Is he awake?” Liv asks curiously.

“Yeah, he is,” Even replies. “I’m just fetching something for him to eat. You made soup,” he ends with a small smile.

“Yeah,” his mum says. “I know how much Isak loved that soup so. Hopefully he’ll be able to eat it. And there is some bread too.”

Even nods and prepares two bowls with soup as well as a couple of slices of bread with butter and ham and puts everything on a large tray. When he returns to the room Isak is sitting up in bed, knees drawn to his chest and duvet still wrapped around his legs. He smiles slightly when Even walks into the room and puts the tray down next to Isak.

“Your mum’s famous soup,” Isak says.

“I think she is trying to butter you up,” Even laughs. “She hasn’t made this soup in ages. Dad even made his bread to go with it. I think they are both trying to butter you up if I’m honest.”

Isak smiles again and seems to relax slightly as he takes one of the bowls in his hand and brings the spoon to his mouth. Twenty minutes later they have both finished their food. Isak has not said much but Even tells himself that Isak is doing a lot better than yesterday. He looks a lot better after his sleep and he seems much more relaxed now than when he had just woken up.

“Jonas asked me if he could come over,” Even starts carefully, studying Isak’s face for a reaction. “He wanted to see how you were doing after yesterday and talk to you as well. Would you be okay with that?”

Isak looks hesitant at first but then he nods slowly.

“Yeah, okay,” he says.

Jonas arrives half an hour later and Even leads him to his room where Isak is still residing. He’s not even been out to use the bathroom yet but stays wrapped under Even’s duvet as if it is his safety blanket. As soon as Isak spots Jonas standing in the doorway he tenses up and Even notices how nervous Jonas looks as well from where he is standing next to him.

“Can I come in?” Jonas asks.

Isak nods.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Even says as Jonas steps into the room and hesitantly makes his way towards the bed.

He closes the door behind him and walks into the living room. He hopes Jona will be able to reach Isak and that they can have a good talk. From yesterday he knows just how much Jonas cares about Isak and he has no doubt in his mind that Jonas wants Isak back in his life, one way or another. It’s Isak he is worried about, especially now when Isak is already in a vulnerable state. But maybe this is the right time for the two best friends to reconcile but for that Isak needs to forgive himself and Even knows how hard that is.

It takes almost an hour before he hears the door to his room open and both Isak and Jonas come out. He can hear both their voices as they walk to the hallway. A couple of minutes later Isak appears in the doorway, looking teary eyed but with a smile on his face.

“How did it go?” Even asks gently as Isak plops down next to him.

“Good, I think,” Isak says. “We talked a lot. It was nice but I don’t know. I still feel so guilty for everything and I think that it’s really difficult for him too. I don’t think we are ready to be best friends again on Monday but it feels nice to know that he doesn’t hate me. And we talked about Lea a lot too and things that happened between us before everything went to shit. He said sorry for a few things and well. I can’t apologise enough times honestly.”

“I think it will be okay,” Even says. “I think that he is ready to move on and I think that you can do that. You just need to forgive yourself…”

Isak nods.

“Yeah... it’s just really hard. I used to focus on anger before because it was so much easier than guilt and because it was easier to keep being angry and push people away then try to ask for forgiveness or whatever when you are not sure people will even forgive you. I mean I wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t.”

“Yeah but you need to let them decide that, Isak,” Even says. “Like I said, I think you really need to forgive yourself first.”

“I guess,” Isak says.

“I’m really sorry too,” Even mumbles. “For last week. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I thought I was doing what was right but I should have been honest with you instead and respected your wishes. I didn’t mean to make you feel ambushed and I thought that Sana would have told them you were coming but then again I didn’t tell you about it either so…”

Isak is quiet for a long time, hugging his knees to his chest again.

“It’s okay,” he says.

He looks up at Isak with a small smile.

“I forgive you.”

“It’s okay if you are angry,” Even says.

Isak shakes his head.

“I’m not angry. At first I was but mostly I was shocked and sad because I saw the way they looked at me. And I was angry because you lied to me about it. I thought that maybe it was to humiliate me or hurt me. But I know it wasn’t and that you didn’t want to hurt me. I talked to Jonas about it too actually. It just really hurt because you are the only one that has cared about me in a long time. Even when I pushed you away in the beginning you didn’t give up and I think that made me feel even more hurt because I trusted you so much to not go behind my back. I was ready to tell you everything but then I found out you had lied and in combination with meeting all of them it was just too much. I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything after that. Things were so shitty at home too and I felt so fucking lonely. I had no one to talk to and nowhere to go. And then mum had her breakdown yesterday and dad got mad and frustrated because she was upset and it’s like neither of them cared about me and it made me realise how lonely I truly was…”

“I’m so sorry you had to go through everything alone,” Even says. “It pains me so much to know that you felt like that. But I’m really glad you called me. We were out looking for you the whole night.”

“Yeah, Jonas said so,” Isak says. “Thank you. I guess my parents are mad though,” he ends with a sigh.

“They are not mad,” Even says. “You can stay here as long as you want to, okay? Until things calm down at home or just another night. Or I can take you home right now? My parents took a walk but they left the car.”

“I’d like to stay here,” Isak says.

“Okay, then we will stay here,” Even smiles.

“Okay,” Isak nods.

-

Isak stays for the rest of the day. They watch Toy Story movie together, both of them curled up on the same couch. Even keeps checking on Isak every once in a while. He still looks worn from last night but he smiles throughout the movie and when Even’s parents come home again he doesn’t look absolutely terrified. Even can tell that he feels a little overwhelmed by all their questions and general excitement of having him there but when Liv decides to pull Isak into one of her warm hugs it doesn’t take long for Isak to wrap his arms around her waist and hug her back. Even feels warm inside as he sees his mum and Isak interact and him allowing her to comfort him over Lea.

All four of them have dinner together that night and Isak gets more and more relaxed every minute. He keeps joking with Even’s father and engages in conversations with Even’s mum, He laughs and smiles during the dinner and when they eat apple pie in the living room afterwards, but behind it all Even can still see Isak’s pain and when the two of them retreat back into Even’s room a couple of hours later Isak collapses onto the bed. He sighs shakily and buries his head in his hands.

“You okay?” Even asks and sits down next to him.

“I don’t know,” Isak says thickly. “I… I just miss Lea,” he says.

“That’s understandable,” Even says.

“It feels so surreal that it’s already been a year. It feels like she died yesterday but at the same time it feels like so many things have happened over the last year. I’ve pushed my feelings away so much but now I’m scared that I will never stop hurting.”

  
Isak dries his eyes with his sleeve.

“You know I’m always here for you, right?” Even says and rubs Isak’s back. “I’m not going to pretend to know what you are going through but I’m here for you and you can talk to me about everything. And mum and dad are there for you too.”

“Yeah,” Isak says. “Thank you, I really appreciate it.”

“Are you tired?” Even asks. “We could go to bed if you want to.”

Isak nods and covers his mouth as he yawns.

“Okay, we should really go to bed,” Even laughs. “Wanna use the bathroom first?”

Isak shakes his head.

“You go first” he says.

Five minutes later Even returns to the bedroom. He half expects Isak to have crawled beneath the sheets already but Isak is sitting up in bed, talking to someone on the phone.

“Yeah, okay, dad,” he says. “Yeah you too. Okay, bye.”

As he hangs up he lets out another sigh.

“Everything alright?” Even asks.

“Yeah, he just wanted to talk. About last night. Mum is doing a bit better know. She probably won’t have to be admitted which is good. He wanted to check up on me.”

“But, that’s good, right. About him and your mum?”

Isak nods.

“Yeah, I just feel a little guilty that I’m here. I should probably be with them right now.”

“Did he say that?” Even asks.

“No, he said he is happy that you are taking care of me. He has things under control with mum and he said I could stay here for a little bit if it was okay with you, of course.”

  
“You know it is,” Even smiles. “My parents love having you.”

“I’ll see if I go home tomorrow maybe,” Isak reasons and stands up. “I should at least go home and get some clothes.”

Isak walks out of the room to brush his teeth and get ready for the night and Even is left alone in the room. He takes off his jeans and changes into a fresh t-shirt and lies down in bed. A few minutes later Isak joins him and lies down next to Even.

“Good night,” Even says.

“Good night,” Isak replies.

20 minutes later Even can hear Isak’s tense breathing and he realises Isak is nowhere near sleep despite how exhausted he had looked just half an hour ago. He turns to the side to look at Isak and finds him lying on his back, staring at the ceiling.

“Bad thoughts?” he whispers.

“Yeah,” Isak says quietly.

“Is there anything I can do?” Even asks.

“Can you hold me again?” Isak asks, turning to look at Even with glassy eyes. “Just for a little while?”

Without hesitation Even moves closer and lets Isak settle against him again. He lightly waps his arm around Isak’s waist, feeling the way Isak immediately relaxes.

-

“Do you want to go to school tomorrow?” Even asks as they lie in bed late on Sunday night.

It feels a little strange, being this close to Isak. The first night he had not reflected much on the fact that he was spooning Isak the whole night because Isak had needed that closeness. Then yesterday night Isak had curled up against him again, obviously seeking his comfort. Now Isak is lying with his head on Even’s arm, taking slow deep breaths. He tilts his head backwards and looks Even in the eyes. Even in the dim light from the lamp on the nightstand his eyes are so expressive, making it increasingly more difficult to pretend like spooning Isak is not doing things to him.

It’s been a good day and Isak has been doing even better. They have been out for coffee in the afternoon and strolling around aimlessly before ordering pizza and watching movies the whole evening. Isak had decided to stay with Even tonight too and Even is happy to have him lying in his arms again.

“I don’t know,” Isak sighs.

“You don’t have to,” Even says and resists the urge to run his hand through Isak’s hair.

“I missed the whole of last week,” Isak says, “I should go.”

“Yeah but you had a tough week,” Even says- “I’m sure your teacher would be understanding. And the headmaster.”

  
“Maybe…”

“You are really brave, you know that right?” Even says.

“I don’t feel brave,” Isak says. “I’m a mess.”

“You are not a mess, Isak,” Even says. “You are really strong,”

Isak smiles.

“What?” Even says. “You are. But if you want to take another day off from school that is okay.”

“It’s just that it will be weird seeing everyone after the meeting. Like they won’t exactly be happy to see me. Well maybe Jonas will be fine but the others.”

“That’s’ understandable. But I think it will be fine. I’ll be there to protect you the whole time. Even against that blonde girl. Was her name Vilde?”

Isak laughs and after this week it is the best sound in the world.

“Wow, I feel really honoured,” he says. “You are really the brave one.”

“So does that mean that you will go tomorrow?” Even asks.

“Yeah…” Isak says. “You’ll be there, right? You won’t let them throw eggs at me at lunch?”

Even rolls his eyes.

“I’ll protect you if they decide to throw eggs on you. I promise.”

-

The next couple of weeks go by in an instant. Isak returns to school, a little more nervous than Even has seen before but the first day back goes smoothly. As soon as Isak realises that no one is out to hurt him he relaxes visibly. The huge difference is that Jonas and Isak interact almost every day the following week. While neither of them seem ready to take the next step it is nice to see them smile and greet each other in the canteen rather than Isak looking like someone has punched him in the stomach every time he sees Jonas. Even can tell that Isak is so much more at ease with that tension gone and he looks much better than he has in days.

They still sit together in the cafeteria and mostly it is just the two of them but occasionally Isak sits with Even and his classmates too. Even if Even prefers when it is only the two of them it feels nice to see Isak interact with others and when Nils invites Isak to one of their parties Isak happily accepts his invitation.

“You should have introduced us to Isak sooner,” Nils comments. “He is really cool, actually.”

Isak and the others are out smoking on the balcony but Even has decided to stay away from the weed. At least for the night. He nods slightly and sips on his drink.

“Yeah,” he says. “But things weren’t exactly smooth sailing at first.”

Nils nods.

“But things are cool, right? Between you and him?”

“Yeah,” Even says. “He had a really rough time but he is doing better now.”

Nils gives him a weird smile.

“What?” Even asks.

“And you and him are just friends?” Nils asks with a gentle smile. “You don’t have to answer that of course. I know it is not my place to assume things. It is just that I’ve seen the way you look at him sometimes. And if there was something else going on that would be cool too, you know.”

“Yeah?” Even says.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that it is Nils asking him this since he has insinuated it before but Even has tried to not let his feelings for Isak show too much even if they get harder and harder to deny every day. Everytime he and Isak hang out together just the two of them he can’t stop looking at Isak. Over the last two weeks things have definitely gone back to before the whole Kosegruppa thing. They go for coffee after school or they hang out at Even’s place where they spend most of the time lying close together on Even’s bed just talking about anything and everything. Just like when they were kids. Sometimes Isak will curl up against him and rest his head on Even’s chest and Even is almost certain he will be able to feel the how hard Even’s heart is beating. Sometimes it feels like Isak is looking right back at him with those intense green eyes. Like Isak is staring right through his soul like no one else can.

“Of course,” Nils says.

“I don’t know,” Even sighs. “I don’t want to mess up our friendship. We have come such a long way since the first day and I don’t want to ruin that. Besides, he doesn’t need more drama in his life right now. He’s just starting to get better again after everything. ”

“But you have feelings for him?” Nils says.

“Yeah,” Even says and it is the first time he has ever admitted his feelings for Isak out loud.

Even now 6 years after he first realised he had feelings for Isak he is still left with the same fear that Isak won’t feel the same and that Even will end up losing him forever. It’s a fear he is not sure he will ever get rid of.

“You should tell him,” Nils says. “Otherwise you will never know…”

-

  
“Where are we going?” Isak asks suspiciously as he gets into the car.

“You’ll see,” Even says. “It's a surprise.”

He’s been planning this particular trip for a couple of weeks now and did a lot of research for it. He needs this night to be perfect. After everything that has happened Isak deserves a perfect night. Isak has continued to grow closer to Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus again.

Even can tell there is still a long way to go before Isak will be able to forgive himself fully but it makes him so happy to see Isak joke around and talk to his old friends again. There are still days when Isak is more closed off and distanced, unwilling to let Even in. There are still days where his insomnia is obvious and the lack of sleep makes him vulnerable but overall he is doing so much better than a month ago.

Even has thought a lot about what Nils said about telling Isak about his feelings. It gets harder and harder not to and Isak deserves to know just how amazing he truly is, and how he is the center of Even’s universe, and how he manages to steal Even’s breath every day.

“I don’t like surprises,” Isak mutters and fastens his seatbelt. “Can’t you tell me?”

“No!” Even says as he begins driving. “I can give you a hint though. We are going to be outside.”

“What? Even it’s freezing outside. It’s below zero? We will freeze to death!”

Even laughs and rolls his eyes.

“Don’t worry I have packed warm clothes,” he says.

They drive for half an hour leaving Oslo behind him. Isak is in a happy mood and keeps chatting the whole trip but as soon as Even stops the car in the middle of nowhere he goes back to being his suspicious self.

“Are you going to murder me?” he asks as Even kills the engine and they are engulfed in almost pitch darkness.

Even opens the car door and steps outside into the cold night. Then he opens the backseat door and brings out his bag he had packed earlier.

“What are we doing?” Isak asks impatiently “We are in the middle of nowhere and it’s pitch black and ice cold.”

Even hands him the extra coat he has brought for Isak and two thick blankets. Then he brings out the thermos of hot chocolate.

“A picknick?” Isak says skeptically.

Even rolls his eyes again.

“You are so impatient, Isak,” he says fondly. “We are stargazing,” he says.

Isak looks at him, a smile appearing on his face.

“Oh,” he says.

“You know in November you can actually see the Andromeda Galaxy with the naked eye if it is a starry night,” Even says quietly. “It’ the closest galaxy to the milky way and the farthest you can see into space with just your eyes.”

“You remember,” Isak says.”

“Yeah, of course, I always listen to what you say,” Even smiles. “Besides it was all you talked about for like 5 years.”

“Wow,” Isak says, looking at him seriously. “Even, this is amazing...I…”

Even watches Isak’s whole face light up in a huge smile and it warms him up despite the cold. He clears his throat and brings out the two binoculars from the bag.

“You’ve really planned this,” Isak says as he accepts the binocular.

“Yeah I had to do some research,” Even says.

They sit on the hood of the car, leaning against the windshield with the two blankets wrapped around their bodies. They are lying close together and Even can feel Isak’s warm breath against his cheek. At first they just watch the stars without the binoculars and Isak points out the different constellations.

“That’s ursa major,” he says and points. “And the brightest stars are part big dipper. And if you follow that star in a straight line you’ll find the north star”

Even follows Isak’s finger as he points.

“Polaris,” Even mumbles.

“Yeah,” Isak says and he turns his face towards Even and smiles. “Which is part of ursa minor or small dipper, If you ever get lost you can always find it and use it to navigate. It always points towards north.”

“And if you look that way you’ll able to see Orion,” Isak continue as if Even doesn’t already know. As if Isak hasn’t already told him about this before, several years ago.

“You are actually supposed to use Polaris to find the Andromeda Galaxy,” Even says, clearing his throat. “Or so I read online. And then you are going to find Cassiopeia which is like a double U and then you need to find Pegasus which is a giant rectangle and in between them you’ll be able to see a small smudge.”

It takes a little while before they are actually able to find the right constellations and even if it is a starry night it is not easy to navigate but eventually they are able to see that small smudge, almost like a little cloud in the middle of the sky. With the binoculars, they can just make out the shape of the galaxy-

“Wow,” Isak whispers. “This is amazing. That we can watch things so far away in the universe. It makes you feel so small.”

“Yeah,” Even agrees. “It’s like how many million light years away?”

“2,2 million,” Isak says and puts down his binoculars.

“Yeah,” Even says. “Doesn’t that mean that they are already dead?”

“A few of them probably,” Isak knows. “But we’ll never know about that.”

“That’s comforting,” Even says. “It freaks me out that we are so small and insignificant in the bigger picture. We live for a fraction of a second on the universe and the stars will continue to shine for a million years after we are gone but yet it sometimes feels like the place we are at right now is the only place that matters. Do you know what I mean?”

“Yeah,” Isak whispers. “I do.”

Even notices Isak shiver slightly and moves closer to wrap his arm around Isak’s body and rubs his arm slightly.

“Do you wanna sit in the car instead?” he asks.

“No,” Isak says. “I want to stay here.”

“Okay,” Even says. “I did bring some hot chocolate though.”

He pours Isak some hot chocolate into the lid of the thermos and reaches into the bag to find the extra mug he has brought.

“Do you remember what I said about geminis and aquarius?” Even asks.

“Yeah,” Isak says and turns to look at Even with a smile on his face.

“I know you don’t believe in things like that and that you said you are a cancer but I looked it up. Because you were born on the 21 of July you were born on the gemini-cancer cusp. Some charts will say you are a cancer and others might say you are a gemini. Either way you are special because you have traits from both signs. Meaning that you are the perfect mix of the two. You are smart and witty but you are also caring and loyal like a cancer.”

He half expects Isak to roll his his and call him out on his bullshit but Isak keeps smiling.

“You are always so nice to me,” he says. “You always say and do all these amazing things for me, thank you. For Doing this tonight and taking care of me all this time.”

“I’d do anything for you, Isak,” Even says seriously and cups Isak’s face in his hand, gently rubbing Isak’s cheek with his thumb.

He is so scared, so fucking nervous and terrified, heart hammering in his chest but if he doesn’t say it now he never will and then we will never know.

“You are so beautiful,” he whispers. “When I saw you the first day of school you took my breath away. Just like you did when I was 13 and you were 11. I think I’ve been in love with you ever since but I was always too scared to tell you. Scared that I’d lose you if I told you and I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. But then I did lose you and seeing you again made me realise just how much I had missed you in my life and how much I still loved you. That love never really went way, even if I dated Sonja. I just had to have you back in my life even if you didn’t want me back at first. I desperately needed to have you back and see you happy again. And I’m so thankful that we are friends again and that we are close and that you are the person I trust the most. But I need to tell you because you deserve to know how much I love you and that I am in love with you. You are amazing in every single way and I feel like you know me better than anyone else. And if you don’t feel the same I understand but you deserve to know that you take my breath away every-”

Isak interrupts him by pressing his lips to Even’s and kissing him. They kiss until they are both breathless, until they are not cold anymore.

“I love you too, Even,” Isak says. “I love you so fucking much. I feel like I’ve always loved you and I feel like you saved me when I couldn’t even save myself. You’ve always saved me. Not just this year, not just when I fell from that tree and broke my arms, not just when I couldn’t sleep because my mum was in a bad way or my parents were fighting, not just when you found out Lea had died. Every day Even. You’ve saved my life every day. ”

Even closes his eyes as he kisses Isak again and again and again.

When they finally open their eyes again and curl up together under the blanket Isak takes his hand in his. When they finally turn their eyes up to look at starry night again they can see a falling star.

“Make a wish,” Isak says, kissing Even’s cheek.

“I don’t have to,” Even says.  
-

_Age 25 and 27_

_“Happy birthday, baby,” Even whispers and kisses Isak’s cheek. “Time to wake up,”_

_“No,” Isak mutters, grumpily._

_“No to happy birthday?” Even laughs. “It is your birthday though.”_

_“No to wake up, it’s too early…”_

_“It’s almost 10 in the morning,” Even says as he impatiently lies down next to Isak again. “C’mon I want to take you out for breakfast.”_

_“Okay…” Isak says._

_It’s a warm and sunny summer morning and Even feels extra happy and excited walking hand in hand with Isak to their favourite breakfast restaurant. It’s Isak’s 25th birthday and he really wants it to be special. He can’t believe it has been seven and a half years since they got together. He can’t believe he gets to wake up next to Isak every day after all these years._

_They have breakfast for three hours before they take a walk to the harbour. Isak looks so beautiful in his white t-shirt and plain khaki shorts. His freckles have already gotten visible from the sun and Even knows they will be even more noticeable by the end of summer. It’s been a while since Isak had his hair this long but this spring he has let it grown out slightly. It reminds Even about when he and Isak started dating. It feels like a lifetime ago and so much has happened since then. They have both gone to university in Trondheim and moved back to Oslo, gone on countless of trips together. They have even bought their first apartment together with a little help from their parents._

_“What time did you tell the others to come over?” Isak asks as they are on their way back home._

_“Six,” Even says. “Jonas said he would come over earlier though and help us move tables and things.”_

_“Okay, but that means we still have some time for us own when we get home,” Isak says playfully._

_“Yeah,” Even says, “A couple of hours or so…”_

  
_“I can’t wait to come home,” Isak mumbles._

_-_

_“I think it’s time for your birthday present now,” Even says softly as soon as they say goodbye to Mikael and Mutta who had offered to help them tidy up and carry everything back into the apartment again. It’s been a great night with all their friends but now Even is ready to have Isak to himself._

_“You know it’s not my birthday anymore right,” Isak smiles. “It’s past midnight,”_

_“I know,” Even says. “But this present only works if it is dark outside.” he continues and take Isak’s hand. “And we need to be outside”._

_They walk outside again and Even stops Isak in the middle of the patch of grass in the courtyard. The lanterns Even had hung earlier during the night are still shining around them._

_“Close your eyes,” he says to Isak and when Isak does he takes out the envelope he has hidden underneath his shirt. “Okay you can open them now.”_

_Isak opens his eyes and looks at the envelope in Even’s hand and back at Even again._

_“For me?” he asks with a small smile. “What is it?”_

_“Just open it,” Even laughs._

_He feels a little nervous as Isak opens the envelope and takes out the folded paper. He has spent so long, trying to come up with the perfect gift. He knows it’s a little cheesy but even if they had promised each other not to buy gifts for each other this year Isak had been the first to break that promise back in February._

_Isak reads the text a few times, his smile going wider and wider._

_“You bought me a star?” he says and looks at Even._

_“A constellation,” Even breathes. “I wanted to buy Sirius because it is the brightest star in the sky but you couldn’t buy it. But you are the brightest star in my universe so I knew it had to be special. And when we were little you said your favourite constellation was aquila or the eagle so I bought a star in it..”_

_“Wow,” Isak says._

_“Wanna have a look at it?” Even says and moves to stand behind Isak, wrapping his arms around Isak’s warm body._

_“Yeah,” Isak says. “Babe, this is incredible. You are incredible.”_

_It doesn’t take long for them to find the star. Even has spent several days learning of to find the right one and Isak probably still knows it by heart._

_“Do you see it?” he asks, hugging Isak even tighter and kissing his neck softly._

_“I do,” Isak mumbles, leaning into Even’s touch._

_He twists in Even’s arm until he has turned around completely and then hugs Even tightly and buries his nose in Even’s neck._

_“I love you so much,” he whispers._

_“I love you too,” Even says._

_A few minutes pass before they let go of each other and Even takes Isak’s hands in his, intertwining their fingers._

_“I know it’s a little silly but you are the most important person to me and I’m so happy and grateful that I get to live my life with you and that I get to wake up every day next to you.” he starts and looks from their joint hands to Isak’s eyes._

_“And I want you to know just how special you are to me and if I could I’d buy all the stars in the universe for you. You make me feel like I’m the most important person in the world and I love you so, so much. You’ve seen me through all the bad times and loved me and supported me through everything and feel like where are the strongest when we are together. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to go on more trips with you, I want to explore the world with you. I want to keep waking up next to you every day for the rest of my life. I want to live through all our bad and good days with you because I know that no matter how bad things are you will always make even those days a little better. “ he says, heart racing as he gets down on one knee. “You make me feel like I’m whole, like part of my soul belongs to you, just my heart belongs to you. Will you marry me, Isak?”_

_Isak looks at him, tears in his eyes._

_“Yes,” he says. “Yes, Even of course I will.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading all the way through. I really hope you liked it!

**Author's Note:**

> More to come after midnight :) 
> 
> It would mean a lot to me if you let me know what you think <3


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